Page 32 of Worth the Ruin
“Sir, I need to talk to you. It’s urgent.”
I want to put a hole through the wall. Wilson has the worst fucking time in the history of the world. But if he says it’s urgent, it must be.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” I grumble under my breath, leaning my forehead against Melody’s, and she huffs out a strangled laugh. I exhale roughly and somehow manage to push myself off the wall and put a few feet between us. Her chest is rising and falling in quick bursts, and there’s the most intense disappointment in her eyes. She looks like she wants to say something, and I get the feeling that whatever had just happenedhere was far more than two people who wanted a good lay. No, this was something much more than that.
Our gazes hold for a few seconds before Wilson calls, “Sir?” again. I want to tell him to fuck off. I want to let someone else be in charge and handle whatever is happening that needs my attention. I want to be done being this fucking guy and finally have a chance to be the real me and explore this thing with Melody. But I can’t. I know I can’t. Maybe one day, but that day isn’t today.
I run a hand through my hair and accept that we’re effectively putting a pin in whatever this was. I hope it’s not forever. I hope this doesn’t spook her and she doesn’t chock this up to temporary insanity and talk herself out of trying again. She glances to the front door and I know that she won’t want to go that way and see Wilson. I tilt my head towards the door at the side of the living room instead, the one that connects our suites. She nods and without a word, crosses to the door, flips the lock and throws it open. She pushes against the second door leading into her room, but it barely moves, like something’s blocking it.
“Fuck,” she grates, throwing her shoulder against the door trying to get it to budge.
“One second!” I yell to Wilson before coming up behind her. I push and meet pretty hefty resistance. She must have put some furniture in front of it. “For fuck’s sake, Melody, did you really think I was going to attack you in your sleep?” I ask through gritted teeth.
“You can’t possibly blame me!” she hisses quietly. “This place was supposed to be Lucifer’s Den-O-Fun, remember??”
I huff out a laugh and shake my head. No, I guess I can’t blame her. When she blocked that door, she thought I was a sadistic psychopath who probably raped and murdered for shits and giggles. I nudge her out of the way and take a deep breath before putting my full weight into it. The door and whatever’sbehind it—a chair, I guess—finally give way and she can step through into her room. She turns to face me and opens her mouth to say something, but seems to have no clue what it might be, so she snaps it closed again. I won’t lie, I’m in the same fucking boat. I desperately want to say something, to beg her not to overthink this or change her mind, to wait for me just for a bit, but I don’t. I sigh and reach for the door handle, holding her gaze for as long as possible as I pull it closed.
I don’t have to wear the full mask here at FOS, not the one that I wear outside in the real world, but I still have to wear a version of it. Only with Melody can I take it off completely. I tell myself that doesn’t mean what I think it means, but I know damn well that’s a fucking lie.
So, I put on the mask and slip back into the role I have to play before opening the door for Wilson and getting to work.
CHAPTER TWELVE
MELODY
Traeger’s gonefor the next week and I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I…miss him? No, that can’t possibly be right. Except it fucking is. I hate that it is, but it is. I’d gone for a punishing run after our almost…whatever the hell that had been in his room before Wilson came to grab him for something urgent. I’d needed to clear my head and try to figure out what was going on with me, with him, with us. I’d been asleep when they left, but he’d slid a note under my door. Not anything profound or swoon-worthy. Just a simple:
Be back soon.
-T
But the fact that he’d left it meant something, didn’t it? And, ok, fine, it made mehappythat he’d left it.
“Fuck my life,” I whisper-groan as Renee and I finish up our afternoon run.
“What was that?” she asks.
“Nothing,” I say, shaking myself. We slow to a walk and Renee gives me a sidelong look.
“He’ll be back tonight,” she says, wiping sweat from her brow.
“Who now?” I make a point to be purposely obtuse and Renee laughs, shaking her head.
“Uh huh, fine, go ahead and act like you haven’t jolted every time someone walks into The Skillet every single night since the day he left, only to deflate when it isn’t him.”
“That’s…I was…It’s just…” I have nothing and she knows it. I hate that she’s so observant and hope to God she’s the only one who is. “Shut up,” I finish lamely, and she laughs again.
After a few seconds, she adds a bit more seriously, “you could, you know.”
“Could what?” I ask, looking out over the water to the mountains in the distance. The sun will be setting soon and the sky is streaked with deep pinks and reds and golds, the colors reflecting off of the mirror-like surface of the lake.It really is gorgeous here, I think.
“Could be happy here.” I turn to look at Renee. “I know you’re still holding yourself back, and I don’t know if it’s because you feel guilty letting yourself be happy when Jonah isn’t here, or if it’s something else, but…Well, I’m just saying you’re allowed to be happy, Mel. Even if that involves being with someone who may not have been the conventional choice originally,” she adds with a knowing smile.
“I…you’re right, I do feel guilty,” I admit. “Jonah knows that I’m ok, but he obviously can’t know the full truth, so I know he’s still got to be worried about me being here. If I just move on and act like everything is fine, it’s like I’m betraying him or making him worry in vain or something.” I shake my head, not able to really explain it quite right.
“But you being unhappy isn’t what he would want, no matter what. You’ve told me enough about him to know that for a fact.”
I sigh heavily. “You’re right. I know you’re right. But I can’t be with Traeger, not like that.”
