Page 34 of Worth the Ruin
“Ditto.”
A second later, the opening bars ofTennessee Whiskeysound through the room and I swallow hard, a shiver running through my spine. Traeger’s eyes seem to burn, and I wonder if he thinks it’s as sexy of a song as I do.
“Dance?” he asks, holding out his hand. I glance down at it, hesitating for a heartbeat, but then I decide that even if it’s just for tonight, I’m not going to let myself worry or overthink or hold back.
“Sure,” I say, stepping towards him and wrapping one hand around his neck, putting my other into his. He settles his other hand on my lower back, pulling me close. My heart starts racing, my body burning where his hands touch me. We begin to move, swaying and circling slowly to the music, and I try to ignore the slow fire spreading through every inch of me.
“How was the trip?” I ask.
“It was…fine,” he says, his shoulders tensing beneath my touch for a moment. So, something had happened then. I won’t push, not now. I just want to forget about everything else and justbefor a little while longer. “Did you miss me?” he teases, the tension fading.
I roll my eyes and make a “psh,” sound, but can’t manage to put much bite into it.
“I knew it,” he says, cocky grin sliding across his face.
“Oh fuck off.” That only makes him smile wider and my own lips curl in response. He wraps his hand farther around my back and pulls me even closer. I try to ignore the fact that everyone seems to be staring at us…some with open hostility.
“Uh, I don’t thinkyour girlsare too happy about us dancing,” I say, cutting my eyes towards Destiny and Tricia, who are standing in the corner and glaring daggers at me. At least Robin, one of the less theatrical of his routine visitors, doesn’t seem to care one way or another, dancing close with Johnson across the floor from us. She even gives me an encouraging smile that clearly saysget it, girl.I like Robin a lot actually. Not only does she not scream like a banshee when she’s in bed with Traeger, she makes the delicious bread that I’ve fallen in love with since coming here.
Traeger follows my gaze and hikes a shoulder.
“So what?” he asks, turning back to look at me again. I arch a brow in question and he holds my gaze before he answers. “I like to fuck, Melody.” A swift wave of heat runs through me at his words and I barely stifle a gasp. “I won’t deny that. And, despite what you think,” he smirks, clearly remembering our conversation in his room before we were interrupted, “they like it too. But I have made it clear in no uncertain terms to each and every one of them, that it is only sex, nothing more. I’ve made no promises of anything other than something physical to any of them. Simple.”
I cut my eyes to Destiny again, standing alone now. Guess Tricia left. Destiny still looks like she’s plotting my murder.
“Maybe not as simple as you think,” I mutter.
“I can’t help it that I’m so damned lovable.” He gives me that crooked grin again and I smack the back of his head. He chuckles lightly. “It’s half true.”
“Love and fear aren’t the same thing,” I say, and then wish I hadn’t. He clenches his jaw but doesn’t argue.
“For one, they don’t fuck me out of fear, I promise you that. I wouldn’t do that. And two: I’ll take either. Love, fear, whatever keeps people safe. Despite whatever you might think, you have to at least know that that’s what I want. I want those of us who have survived this long, against all odds, to be able to live with as little danger as possible. If I have to be hated and feared to do that, then so be it.”
It’s in this moment that a fundamental truth slides into place inside my mind and heart: Austin Traeger really is a good man. A good man who has to do terrible things and make impossible choices, but a good man, nonetheless.
“I do know that,” I say quietly. Our gazes lock and the air seems to rush out of the room, but before I can do something terribly stupid like lean in and kiss him…or maybe jump into his arms and wrap my legs around his waist, not giving a shit who might be watching, the song ends. I blink, the bubble around us popping almost audibly, and step away.
“Melody…”
Before he can finish whatever he’s going to say, Heather, one of the other women in the security group, approaches and asks if Traeger will spin her around the floor. He smiles and accepts and I nod, quickly scooting out of the way, laying a hand on Heather’s shoulder in greeting as I shift. The other woman smiles in return, nothing predatory or jealous in her gaze. I like her, though we haven’t gotten to know each other all that muchyet. But she hates Jett as much as I do, so that automatically makes her alright in my book.
I walk to the other side of the room towards the table where the drinks are, and Renee’s suddenly at my side, arm winding through mine.
“Oh myGod,” she gushes.
“Shut up,” I say. “I know you don’t know this, but I am an elite, highly trained government agent. I know fourteen different ways to kill someone with a corkscrew and I will use all of them if you don’t zip it.”
Renee laughs, having no idea that I’m actually semi-serious. It’s actually twelve ways with the corkscrew, but an additional six with my bare hands, so, I think the exaggeration is fine.
“Ok, ok, fine, I’ll shut up…” She makes the motion of zipping her lips, but as we grab some drinks, she adds, “But do you think he’ll wind up at your door tonight?”
Fuck. Do I? Will he? Do I want him to? A big, big part of me does. I’m so on edge physically that he could probably look at me the right way and I’d get off. But another part of me isn’t sure. He’d been insistent that everything that went on behind closed doors with him is purely physical…does that apply to me too? It doesn’t feel like it, but I honestly don’t know. As much as I’d like to pretend otherwise, I don’t think I could just do a fuck buddy situation with Traeger. Aside from not wanting to just be one in the endless line up, I…fuck, I don’t think I want something just physical with him. I don’t think I could keep emotions separate. I…like him. I have feelings. I’m an utter idiot.
But it turns out, I don’t have to worry about it. Traeger doesn’t knock on my door that night. I would swear I heard him at our connecting door around midnight though, and I could picture him just outside it, raising his hand to knock and then dropping it. Maybe he’s just as confused and torn as I am.
He does knock the next morning though.
“Supply run. You want in?”
