Page 55 of A Song to Drown Rivers
I could have hit him then, if he were not injured. “You’renotfine. You have to get out of the palace. You were—You’re bleeding, Fanli, and he used his sword—He cut you with… There’s so much blood—” I was choking on some invisible blade in my throat, all the emotions I’d swallowed down in his absence. Everything was a haze, the background a distortion of shapes and colors. Nothingfelt real. “God, how is there— How is there so much blood? What did hedoto you? How could he—”
“Xishi.” His voice was so tender. So familiar. “It’s really not that terrible. I won’t die from this; the wound should be a safe enough distance from my heart—”
“Don’t move,” I commanded, speaking over him.Bandages.I needed bandages, something to stem the blood, but my hands were empty. After a split second’s hesitation, I grabbed his sleeve and tore a long, uneven strip of fabric from the hem.
“Has their king harmed you?” Fanli asked. His voice came from above me as I bent to wrap the fabric around his chest. I could see its staggered rise and fall, the effort of a single breath.
He has harmed me more by injuring you.
“No,” I said. “He hasn’t.”
“Then has something… happened between you two?”
“It’s my fault.” I was glad not to be looking at him. Shame and guilt tore through me from heart to stomach. “It’s all my fault. I wasn’t thinking properly. I didn’t… I made a mistake.”
“What?”
It was hardly the time for embarrassment, yet I felt heat suffuse my cheeks when I replied, “I said your name. When he kissed me, I… I said your name.”
A beat.
He was so quiet that I couldn’t resist gazing up at his face, terrified of what I would see. I did it slowly, taking in the sharp tilt of his chin, the cold line of his lips—and at last his eyes, which were scorching on mine. My heart throbbed.
“I’m really sorry,” I went on, scrambling to fill the silence. “I really… I shouldn’t have said it. I should have prevented it, somehow, and… protected you from this. From all of this.” I finished arranging the fabric over his wound, then stretched it out as hard as I could.
A hiss escaped his teeth.
“Sorry,” I whispered again. My hands shook as I fastened the final knot. The makeshift bandage was messy, clearly wrapped in a haste. It would stop him from bleeding out for now, but what if he didn’t make it out of the palace in time? What if the wound got infected on his way back to Yue? There was another trembling sensation deeper inside me, as if a fanged creature were burrowed under my skin and was desperate to escape.
As if I were one breath, one break away from shattering completely.
“What if I left with you?” I blurted. The very sight of his blood wounded me, made something in the back of my mind unravel.
Fanli’s attention sharpened on me. I saw him waver, felt his heart falter—if only for a fleeting second. The possibilities seemed to flash across his eyes, like stars streaking across the sky. Then he steeled himself. Shook his head. “You can’t.”
“Who’s to say? Who’s there to stop us?” I knew that I was being irrational, that to even speak the fantasy out loud was dangerous, but I was so achingly tired of pretending. Of being selfless. “What if we snuck out of the palace together, right now? I’ll bring you to a physician and take care of you while your wound heals. And afterward, you could resign as minister, and I could create a new identity—Why do you keep shaking your head?”
“I vowed to His Majesty that I would help him get his revenge,” Fanli said softly. “You’re right. He could not do anything to me if I really resigned. I’ve kept too many secrets of his; I have too many valuable connections. He cannot afford to hurt me without hurting himself also. But until your mission is complete, we have to honor our promises to the kingdom.”
“But—”
“I know,” he said. Closed his eyes. “I know.”
My next breath deflated. We had made a choice. From themoment we met by the river, we had been making choices—but this time, it felt fatal. Final. The forked road we’d been walking on ended here, and from now, no matter what happened next, there would be only one single path leading down into the darkness.
And as though the universe wished to hasten our descent, footsteps sounded over the stone in the distance. Guards. They would be patrolling the lanes at this hour. If they saw me emerge from behind Lady Gu’s chambers, they would know something was wrong.
“You have to go,” Fanli said. He pressed one hand to his chest, as if to physically force back the pain. “I’ll be all right. Believe in me.”
Liar, I wanted to scream, but we didn’t have any time left. The footsteps were drawing closer. Still, I remained frozen to the spot, my gaze clinging to his face, his fragile complexion, his drawn posture. I wanted to stare at him just a little longer. I wanted the world to freeze.
“Xishi.Go.”
How ironic it was, that when we were apart, all I wished for was to be with him. Yet as soon as we were reunited, all we did was tell each other to leave.
“Go,” he said again. Pleaded. “Before you get caught. Run.”
I ran without looking, without thinking. Tears stung my eyes, burned in the back of my throat, but I could not let them spill. Always those servants in the shadows, silently observing everything. I ran faster, my feet pelting the stone. My robes flowed loose behind me, tearing against the wind. Never before had I considered myself a violent person, but I wanted desperately to rip the world apart. To set fire to something, just for the perverse pleasure of watching it burn. The vermilion palace walls bled past my vision, every corridor and hall and footpath blurring together. It was all just amaze, I thought hysterically. A gilded prison. I would be doomed to wander this place forever and ever and ever, until my heart rotted in its depths. Still I ran onward, as if giving chase. I could see my future moving away from me, as distant as a star, my life caught in the tides of something so much greater than I was.
