Page 30 of A Scottish Lord for Christmas
She glanced at the nurse, whose eyes were bright with tears. She wordlessly pointed at the open door, and Rowena rushed after him. She caught up with Quinn halfway down the corridor. The lamps had been dimmed in the evening and seeing his dark form seeming so remote from her sent shivers of fear through her stomach, making it cramp.
“Quinn? What’s the matter?” Her whisper broke the thick silence of the corridor. She gripped his shoulder and jerked him to a halt.
Her husband fell back against the wall, his chest heaving as he sucked in breaths. When he finally raised his face, tears coursed down his cheeks, and his fists were clenched. He looked…broken. The stark pain and anguish in his features rent her soul in half.
“Iliedto myself.” His hoarse whisper broke her apart.
“Lied?” She echoed, her ears ringing. This should not be happening. They were supposed to be happy. They should have been laughing and smiling after tucking the child into bed and heading to their own with other things than sleep upon their minds. They weren’t supposed to be…standing across a chasm in a darkened corridor, both their hearts breaking.
“Aye…I’m not ready. I can’t…” He rubbed at his eyes, dispelling the evidence of his tears. Shaking, Rowena reached out to touch him but he jerked away.
“I’m…sorry. I don’t understand.” She curled her arms around herself, trying to keep her own sobs from escaping.
“I loved her. I loved her with every part of my heart. Yet being with you—for only a few days…I’m replacing her. Blair won’t even remember Maura.” He choked on the words before he could continue. “I can’t help but feel like I’m erasing the memory of her by bringing you here.”
There was no accusation in his tone, but the bleak despair of his words splintered inside Rowena’s chest, making it near impossible to breathe. She never wanted to replace Quinn’s first wife, but she’d wanted to claim this new life for herself with a husband and a child. Blair’s little voice calling her Mama…Am I destroying Maura’s memory? But what about me? Am I not entitled to a happy life?Confusion clouded her thoughts. What was she supposed to do when he was breaking her heart?
“Quinn…” His name stung her lips and she clamped them shut, eyes burning with tears. “Do you…do you want me to leave?” If he said yes, it would break her in a way nothing else ever would.
“Leave?” He whispered the word, his brows drawn together in confusion. “We’re married, Rowena. We’ve consummated our vows in bed.”
“Then what is it you want me to do? I don’t—” She stumbled on her words, hurt and frustrated almost beyond rationality.
“I don’t know,” he muttered, his eyes failing to meet hers. “I shouldn’t have said anything. I just need time is all. I’m sorry, lass.” He turned and strode away, leaving her in the dim hall. The tapestries on either side of her rustled with a faint draft and she couldn’t stop it when her entire body began to shake violently. She walked numbly back to her own empty chambers. The sight of Gwen setting out nightclothes and a warm fire in the hearth was her only relief.
I must not cry.
“Miss, I found this in your coat as I was hanging it up.” Gwen held out the dagger wrapped in velvet. The present she’d planned to give Quinn tonight. That was before everything had changed.
“Thank you, Gwen.”
She held the dagger in her hands, remembering when she’d received it in the village. She’d had such wonderful dreams and hopes then about how she would give it to Quinn.
And he would love me…perhaps just a little more than before.
That hope was now tainted with regret and sorrow. She considered hiding the dagger away or shoving it at him and running back to the safety of her own, empty chambers. But no grand gesture, negative or otherwise, would make her feel better.
I should give it to him and let it be the end.
“I’ll only be a moment, Gwen.” She returned to Quinn’s bedchamber, relieved to find him gone. She dug around in his desk for paper and a pen before leaving him a note. It took her two tries to write it because tears kept blurring her vision, but finally she said what she needed to, sealed the letter, and left it with the dagger on his bed. Then she returned to her chamber. All dreams of being with him tonight or any other night were gone.
I was a fool to believe he would ever love me.
She changed into her nightclothes and crawled into bed, numb and wounded beyond repair. What was she going to do? She couldn’t leave Blair, and she couldn’t leave him, even if he was crushing her hopes of being a happy wife and mother.
“I just need time is all…”
How long would that be? Would she be sitting across from him for silent, awkward dinners for a decade before he decided to give her a chance? Rowena curled her hands into fists as she lay in her bed, sucking in shaky breaths.
I made a promise to myself and to him that I would heal him, that I would be the woman to bring him through his pain, but how can I do that when he shuts me out?
Her tears soaked through her pillow but she couldn’t stop crying. The ghost of Maura had not left this house, nor had she left Quinn’s heart. Rowena didn’t want to replace Maura; she only ever wanted to share him.
An impossible dream that cost her a broken heart.
Chapter 11
Rowena jerked awake to the sound of someone banging a fist on her bedchamber door.
