Page 58 of I Could Have Missed This
A joint is being passed around the circle. I take a few draws while the smoke joins the dance already created by the fire in the middle of us. I feel my body relax as I sing my heart out amongst my new found family.
Is this what happiness is? I never thought I would find that divine experience, I almost gave up looking for it.
I almost gave up…
If I had actually gone through with it… that night on the roof, I would never have found this happiness. I wouldn’t have met Teddy, and I wouldn’t have met all my friends.
If I had killed myself, I would have missed all of this.
I could have missed this…
I stop singing as a lump forms in my throat. My bottom lip trembles as I look around at the people I have the honour of loving. Teddy squeezes my hand. It’s then that the tears start flowing down my cheeks. I hide my face with my hands.
“Noah? What’s wrong?” Teddy asks, leaning in. I wipe my eyes and sit back up. I laugh through the tears.
“I don’t know why I’m crying, it’s so silly. I’m sorry,” I say quietly. Everyone continues to sing as Teddy takes my hands into his. He wipes my tears.
“Tell me what’s wrong honey.”
“I could have missed this, Teddy,” I say with glassy eyes. My face hot and wet.
“What do you mean?”
“I was going to take my own life when I was at Uni. I stood on a rooftop with the intention of ending it all. I was just thinking that, if I went through with it… I could have missed all of this. I could have missed falling in love with you, I could have missed being happy,” I explain before sobs escape me. I lean into his chest. Teddy doesn’t say anything but rubs my back as I cry into his chest.
“I’m so happy Teddy. I don’t want this to end,” I tell him, hugging him tightly.
“Who says it will?” He asks, squeezing me tighter.
This is all I ever wanted.
If this is what happiness feels like, I’ll hold onto this with all my might. I won’t let anything bad happen to them.
Teddyand I arrive at the house before everyone else. We left a little early because they decided to get a drink at the pub on the beach.
“I had a really nice night,” Teddy says as he enters the kitchen. He grabs a bottle of wine and starts pouring me a glass.
“I don’t know why I got so emotional, I’m sorry,” I tell him as I take the glass of Rosé from him. I take a sip and the taste of cranberries and strawberries reside on my tongue.
“You don’t have to be sorry, I get it,” He says, taking a sip of his own. I look at him leaning against the kitchen counter, and I can’t help but give him a kiss. His lips are fruity and wet.
“What was that for?”
“Do I need a reason to kiss my boyfriend?” I ask, smirking at him. He kisses me back, but deeper this time. I stand up on my tip toes as he puts his arms around my hips. As we come apart, I glance over at the front door.
I wonder how long they’ll be?
As I look into Teddy’s eyes, a hunger resides below my tummy. I haven’t felt like this with a boy in a long time. I kiss him again, swirling my tongue around his in a dance of devotion. I want him in a way I’ve never wanted anyone before.
I start kissing him again. He places his glass down. He swiftly lifts me up onto the counter top, and he’s kissing my neck in a way that sends shivers down my spine. There’s electric sparks with every touch.
My breathing quickens as I begin to take his top off. I struggle a little, until he comes away from me and takes it offhimself. His chest is a little hairy, but toned. His nipples are pierced too.
“Can you… can you take my shirt off for me?” I ask in-between kisses. He obliges, taking the shirt above my head and throwing it into a pile with his. He takes a look at my body, I feel exposed.
“You’re so beautiful, Noah,” He says as I my heart beats wildly in my chest. I smile at him, not knowing how to respond. Something inside me beckons me to undo the button on my shorts. I part my legs.
“You want to…” he asks, looking down at crotch. I can see a bulge in his trousers, which makes me smile wider.
