Page 73 of When We Were Young
Her eyes grew darker, meaner. “Well, you did.” She shook her head. “It’s too late.” She lifted her chin and shot her final words like arrows. “Go home, Dad. I’m done here.”
Noah tried to follow her. He made every effort to stand nearby with his cup of coffee as Olivia talked with her friends and teachers. If she could see him, she didn’t act like it. After half an hour Noah went home. Back to the apartment.
The little box with the same matted carpet where he’d apparently lived since he walked out on his family.
Not until he dropped to the chair by his living room window did he pull out Aiden’s envelope and open it. The letter inside wasn’t long, but it was full of rage and pain. Even his printing looked angry.
Noah sighed and remembered the hurt in his son’s eyes. Then he started at the top.
Dad,
Mom said you might come to the graduation today. I haven’t seen you in almost a year, so I decided to write to you. Just in case we ran into each other.
Olivia and I had a talk the other day. You probably know by now, she’s struggling. I’m worried about her. A lot. Anyway she still talks to me.
She told me the other day that every morning she wakes up, looks in the mirror and asks herself two questions. “Why did my dad walk out on me?” and “Why didn’t he want me?” Those two questions have shaped her and haunted her and driven her to be the person she is today.
You know what I think? Olivia’s the person she is today because she was trying so hard to find answers to those questions. Here’s what I told Olivia. When those questions hit, remind yourself of the truth.
Every single time.
Tell yourself that none of this is your fault. It’s not her fault or my fault. It’s not Mom’s fault. The reason we’re all such a mess is because of you,Dad. You’re the one who walked out. You’re the one who didn’t call or show up or care to be close to us. Selfish pride or a crazy need for fame. Whatever the reason, it wasn’t our fault. I know that now.
Noah’s hands shook so hard he could barely read his son’s words. Tears ran down his cheeks, and his head pulsed with pain. It was all really true. He had walked away when they were little and never looked back. For what? For a social media platform? For fame? He rubbed his palm across his eyes so he could see. Then he kept reading.
The hardest part is that every now and then you’d come around. You’d hang out with us at your apartment or take us to the park. And for just the shortest minute, Olivia and I would believe. We would actually believe that you would come to her dance recitals and sit in the bleachers for my games. Not once in five years, but every game. Every season. Every dance performance.
But no, that never happened. Everything you said was a lie, Dad. Every word. Your whole social media garbage. All that was a lie, too. All you cared about was yourself. So now, I have a request. I won’t ask for anything from you again. Just this.
Please, Dad, will you get out of our lives for good? Don’t make us wonder if and when you’ll show up. Don’t look at us like we’re four and twoagain and like you might somehow find a way to fix everything. It’s broken. Forever. So go. Stay out of our lives so we can find a way to heal.
Because I don’t care what the cool kids or the psychologists or every separated parent says. Divorce is hell for kids. That’s the way I see it. You cut us to the core when you walked out of our lives.
But you walked. It was your choice. Now, please, shut the door behind you so we can lock it.
Once and for all.
Aiden
Noah was crying hard now. He stared at his son’s final words and folded the paper, slipped it back into the envelope. Aiden was right. Noah had ruined everything. His kids would always hate him because of it. Even if he never talked to them again, the awful thoughts would come. Why did he leave? How come he didn’t love them enough to stay? And the worst one:
Why didn’t he want them?
The questions hung like daggers over Noah’s head and one by one they began to fall, cutting him and shattering his heart and soul. He moved to the window and stared at the gray sky. “God, help me!” His voice was barely a whisper. Like he wasn’t sure how to do this anymore. “I... I need a miracle, Lord.” He hung his head. “Look what I’ve done to my kids.” His voice grew louder. “Please, help me!”
There was no response, no great comfort from above. And of course not. Noah couldn’t remember the last time he’d prayed or read his Bible. It only made sense that even the Lord had given up on him. But still he gripped the window frame and prayed. He had no choice. God was his only hope. He was out of options. Noah had no one and no answers for the sort of man he had become.
Aiden’s letter had said it all.
23
Emily left the photo album on the sofa and walked to the window in the den. The sun was rising in the distance, casting subtle pinks and yellows across the morning sky. Emily stood there, frozen in place. And while the world around her got lighter, she was consumed with just one wish.
That dawn might never come. So there would never be a time when Noah would climb in his truck and drive away. Noah, who had loved her and Clara so well. Emily closed her eyes.
Clara.
Sweet Sister, how I miss you.Emily blinked back fresh tears.I miss you every day.
