Page 77 of When We Were Young
Aiden clearly didn’t know what that meant. Not yet. But he threw both his hands high in the air. “Praise Jesus!”
“That’s right!” Clara set Aiden back down and he scrambled over to his spot near Noah. Usually she would say good night to Noah next. Not this time. She turned and hobbled into the kitchen, right up to Emily. “You are the best. Always the best.”
Emily set the dish towel down and held her close. “Clara... is everything all right?” She searched her sister’s eyes. “You feeling good?”
Clara locked eyes with her and smiled. “Everything... perfect.”
“Good.” Emily brushed her sister’s blond hair off her forehead. “Get some sleep, okay? Pray to Jesus.”
“Yes.” Clara was always smiling. No matter how hard the walk ahead, when she had blisters on her hands from her crutches or when she couldn’t keep up with the rest of them, always Clara kept smiling.
But in that moment her smile faded. She put her shaky hand alongside Emily’s face. “Thank you, Emily.” Her eyes looked damp. “I love you.”
The fear running through Emily doubled. “I love you, too. You just need a little rest.”
Clara nodded and after a few seconds she turned away and struggled across the room to Noah. By then, Emily had tears in her own eyes. What was this? Why was she so different tonight?
Emily took a step closer and watched Clara put her hand on Noah’s shoulder. Her smile was still missing. “You are... good.”
Aiden played at their feet, unaware that anything was different about that evening. Noah locked eyes with Clara and stood. He glanced at Emily and then turned to Clara again. “Thank you. Only God is good, but thanks.” He grinned at her, like he was trying to keep the moment normal. “You going to sleep?”
“Yes.” She nodded slowly, with a greater purpose than usual. Then she moved her hand to Noah’s wrist, as if they were the only two people in the room.
Emily thought she was going to launch into her routine with him. The one about daddies and forever and ever. But she didn’t. Instead she told him she loved him. Then she said just one word.
“Stay.” Her eyes didn’t look away, didn’t break contact with Noah’s. That was all, just “stay.”
Noah’s happy expression fell off. He took Clara in his arms and held her for half a minute. He kissed the top of her head. “I will always stay, Clara. You know that. I won’t ever leave.”
She nodded and finally her smile was back. But it didn’t quite reach her eyes. One more look around the room, one last look at Emily and a grin for Noah. Emily was concerned enough that she helped Clara to her room that night. Helped her brush her teeth and wash her face, change into her pajamas and get into bed.
Emily kissed her cheek and told her she loved her again before saying one last good night and shutting the door. Long after the kids were asleep, she and Noah sat on the front porch talking about Clara’s strange behavior.
But it wasn’t until the morning that they understood it.
When she wasn’t up at seven like usual, Emily opened her door and turned on the light. Right away she knew something was wrong. Clara’s legs and arms were sprawled out at unnatural angles and her hair was a mass of tangles around her face.
“Noah!” Emily screamed for him. “Hurry. Come here!”
The kids were still in bed, but Noah was there in a heartbeat. Emily was too busy with Clara to look at him. “Clara! Wake up!” She gave her sister’s lifeless body a shake. “Please, Clara. Open your eyes.” Panic seized Emily and she started to cry and scream. “No, God... not Clara. No!”
That’s when she whipped around to see what Noah was doing. He had his phone up and before she could stop herself she shouted at him, “Don’t post this! Are you crazy?”
“I’m not.” His response was more startled than angry. “I’m calling 9-1-1.”
The rest of that morning was a blur of tears and broken hearts and a goodbye that came way too early. Like the doctor had warned them, a seizure had taken Clara in the middle of the night. Emily and Noah talked about how Clara was free of the constraints of her body now, dancing with Jesus. Hugging her mother. But none of it made Emily feel any better.
When she was alone she couldn’t stop thinking how Clara had known after all. And in the days and weeks and seasons that followed, suddenly everything she had said to them that night held enough meaning to last a lifetime.
The fact that she was glad she got to meet Olivia, and her wish that Aiden would always love Jesus. Her thank-you for Emily, the way she looked into her eyes and told her she was perfect. Everything was perfect. As if she wanted Emily to know that walking through life together had been the greatest gift a sister could give.
And of course what she had told Noah.
Stay.
Emily’s face was wet with tears, the way it always was when she let herself think about Clara’s last day. She squinted at the morning sky. It was raining harder now, thunder crashing every minute or so. Emily stood and folded the blanket, then she walked to the window. “You didn’t have to thank me, Clara.” Her whispered voice broke. “You were never any trouble.”
She studied the dark clouds. Trouble was all that remained after Clara died. The meanness in her tone when she snapped at Noah that morning remained. In big and small ways it stayed. No question they were both at fault for what had led to this day.
