Page 76 of When We Were Young
But after Aiden’s first birthday, Emily noticed Clara slowing down some. She seemed more out of breath making her way through the house, more tired than before. A doctor appointment confirmed what Emily had feared.
“Cerebral palsy affects the brain in ways we’re still figuring out.” The man had been kind, even as Noah and Emily sat there holding a squirming Aiden.
Clara remained perched on the edge of the examination table, her legs hanging over. At the doctor’s words she stared at the floor, fear etched in her face.
The doctor went on to explain in the kindest terms that life required a healthy brain. Emily watched Noah clench his jaw. Because of his concussions, the truth was something he knew only too well. With cerebral palsy, neurons began to die much earlier than normal. The net effect was a slowing down, the need for more and more effort to do daily tasks. Seizures were a very real possibility.
Noah seemed to read Emily’s mind. He stood and looked at the doctor. “If you don’t mind, I’ll take Clara to the waiting room. So you and Emily can talk.”
With the sweetest look and the gentlest care, Noah helped Clara slip her arms into her crutches. Then he guided her out of the room and shut the door. Aiden stayed with Emily, and settled into her lap. Like even he could sense this was a serious moment.
“I’m sorry.” The doctor looked at the door and back at Emily. “I didn’t mean to upset her.”
Emily nodded. “She understands everything. So... yeah.” She couldn’t wait to get out of the office, to find five minutes by herself so she could break down and grieve the horrible news. But first she needed more information. “What’s this mean for Clara? Is there... a prognosis?”
The man sighed and shook his head. “People with Clara’s condition don’t usually live to be thirty.”
For a moment Emily thought she might fall off her chair. How come she hadn’t known this awful reality before? Why hadn’t her mother told her? Later, back at the house when Clara went to her room for a nap, Emily talked about the terrible news with Noah.
“Honey, of course your mom didn’t tell you.” Noah took her in his arms. “She didn’t know she wasn’t coming home.”
Emily let that sink in. He was right. “Of course she wouldn’t tell an eighteen-year-old that her sister wasn’t going to live a full life.”
“Now wait.” Noah’s eyes filled with tears. The love in his voice was so vast, so deep it stayed with Emily still. He leaned in closer to her. “Whatever happens, don’t you ever—not for one minute—think Clara hasn’t lived a full life. No one loves life more than her.” He searched her eyes. “And no one has ever been more loved.”
It was a truth that kept Emily going even as she watched Clara’s energy ebb away. Every few months she noticed how Clara moved more slowly. Three days after Olivia was born a year later, Clara made the switch from crutches to an electric wheelchair.
Emily tried to make the change a positive one. “You’ll be faster than me now.” She fought the tears in her voice when they came home together. “Aiden can ride with you when we walk to the park.”
Clara never seemed sad. Not once in all her life. From her wheelchair that day she only grinned up at Emily. “Aiden is a good boy.”
“Yes, he is.” Emily stooped down to hug her. “And you’re the best aunt our kids could ever have.”
Sometimes Clara would move from her wheelchair to the couch and Emily would position Olivia in her arms. Clara loved the baby girl with everything in her. One night while holding her, Clara looked right at Emily. “I’m glad.”
“You’re glad?” Emily angled her head. “Glad about baby Olivia?”
Clara’s smile was deeper than usual. “Glad to know her.”
It was like Clara understood how quickly the end was coming.
One night when Olivia was four weeks old, Clara decided to turn in early. Her wheelchair was in the corner of the room. In the evenings, she didn’t like to use it. “I want normal,” she would smile at Emily. “Okay?”
“Of course,” Emily would tell her. Who but Clara could think there was anything normal about her life? But at least she thought so.
And so on that night she used her crutches as she made her rounds to the people she loved. Olivia was her first stop. Clara shuffled up to the swing where Olivia was sleeping. “Love you, baby.” She carefully touched the baby’s cheek. “See you later.” For a long time Clara just looked at Olivia, like she was memorizing her.
Emily stopped cleaning the counters in the kitchen and studied her. Clara always made a big deal about saying good night. Usually because she was so happy, she didn’t want the day to end. This was different. More intentional. Emily dried her hands and kept watching.
Clara moved to Aiden, who was playing with his Thomas train in the middle of the floor. Noah sat beside him, acting the part of the conductor. The Colts were on TV and suddenly Noah caught Emily’s eye across the room. He must’ve felt it, too. As if he also understood something was different this time.
“Buddy.” Clara sat on the footstool near Aiden. “Come here.”
Most people couldn’t understand Clara. Speech was that difficult for her. But all of them knew exactly what she was saying. Even Aiden. He scrambled to his feet and jumped up on Clara’s lap, his blue eyes turned to hers. “Night-night?”
“Yes.” Clara kissed his forehead. “For now.”
That’s what she said to him.For now. As soon as Emily heard the words she felt a ripple of fear course through her. What did Clara mean,For now? Clara was still looking at Aiden, smoothing his hair with her hand. “Always love Jesus.”
