Page 49 of The Baxters
Landon had longed for her every day since things fell apart. And now as he watched her it was easy to see the girl she’d been. Before the accident. The spirited, sometimes headstrong girl who had eyes only for him.
Maybe it was the music or being alone at a wedding table while everyone else was dancing, but Landon could sense the years slipping away, remember the way it felt to go by her house on his way to college that summer after the accident.
Like old times they had sat on her parents’ porchand then they had walked to Ashley’s favorite place on their ten-acre property—the giant rock near the pond. The spot where all five Baxter kids had left their handprints in white paint the day they moved in. Ashley loved to go there to think or pray or dream.
Her best artwork seemed to come out of moments spent at the rock.
And there, dressed in a tank top and shorts, Ashley told him what they both already knew. He could still see her sitting beside him, still hear the water in the stream a few yards away. Tears spilled onto her cheeks before she said a word.
“Just say it, Ash.” He had leaned back on his hands so he could see her better. “I leave for college tomorrow, so tell me. Why did you want to talk?”
For a long time she only shook her head. When she could find her voice she turned and faced him, sitting cross-legged the way she had when they were kids. “It’s over, Landon. I… I can’t do this.”
The breakup didn’t make sense then and it still didn’t now. That day he had lifted his face to the sky. “Do you ever just… you know, just go over everything that’s happened since the accident?”
A few soft sobs came from her, but she didn’t say anything.
“You have the most horrific accident.” He looked at her. “Not your fault, but Luke’s friend is killed.” He turned so he could see her better. “Horrible. Worst thing a person could go through.”
Another river of tears spilled from her eyes. “Landon…”
“Wait.” He sat up taller and put his hand on her knee. His voice fell. He wanted to be sensitive, but she needed to hear this. Before they said goodbye. He took a breath. “Hear me out, Ashley. Please.”
She squeezed her eyes shut, and another few sobs trembled through her.
“For whatever reason, you survive.” He gave the slightest shrug. “Who can know these things? Why one person dies and another lives. But you live, Ash. You’re here because God isn’t finished with you.”
Ashley turned her face away, her eyes still closed.
“So you come home to rehab and figure out life again.” He slid closer still, and moved his hand to her shoulder. “And somehow between my hospital visits and a dozen stops by your house, you stop loving me.”
Her eyes flew open at that. “It’s not that, it’s…”
Landon gave her time to finish. But no words came. “Itisthat, Ash. And I’m just saying… help me understand why?”
“I still… I… l-l-love you.” She shook her head, an ocean of sadness twisted into her expression. “I just… can’t do this.”
Nothing like Ashley’s accident had ever happened to Landon. He couldn’t argue with her, not then or now. If she felt unable to stay in the relationship there was nothing he could do to change her mind.
That day at the rock, Landon had put his arm aroundher. He waited until she wasn’t crying anymore. His fingers on her bare arm, he tried to imagine life without her.
He couldn’t.
Ashley had pulled her knees to her chest and buried her face in them, all while Landon sat quietly, not saying anything until finally he took a deep breath. “I go to school tomorrow and when I come back… you and I… we’ll be just friends?” The words were the hardest he’d said in all his life. He ran his hand along her back. “Is that what you want?”
“Yes.” Her answer spilled out. She lifted her face and looked at him. “I don’t know who I am anymore, Landon. I just know…” She gave the smallest shake of her head. “I can’t do this. I can’t… be who I was. With you. With anyone.” She looked out at the stream. “I want to go to Paris and paint and be single. Love hurts too much.”
Landon started to debate the fact. He thought about reminding her of the beautiful months when they were in love, before the accident. But something in her voice told him the topic wasn’t open for discussion.Love hurts too much. Her words ran through his mind again then and now.
While he watched her dance with her sisters.
Love hurt too much because she lived and Jefferson Bennett died.
There hadn’t been more to say that day, so she had walked him to his car and hugged him—for a long time. Then she stepped back and crossed her arms tight in front of herself. “Goodbye, Landon. You’ll do great at school.”
On the inside Landon was screaming, dying to tell her she was wrong and that the two of them had always been meant only for each other, and that she couldn’t possibly break up with him because she’d been through a hard time. But it was too late for any of that.
So he had only nodded, climbed behind the wheel, and driven away.
