Page 101 of Here With Me
My heart hammers as I soak in his confession and try to form the right words to say in return.
“I was in so much pain. I couldn't see the other side and just wanted to die.”
“You're still here, so I'm assumin' he wouldn't do it.”
“Oh, he shot me. Just not where I asked him to.”
My eyes widen. “Where?”
“Shoulder.” He moves his fingers to his left arm and shows me the small scar. “They removed it in surgery. Imagine my disappointment when I woke up in a hospital.”
“Jase doesn't know any of this?”
“No. I didn't want him to think I wasn't strong enough to stay and be his dad. It was the lowest point of my life and one I didn't wanna explain to a twelve-year-old. Mariah told him I was travelin’ for work instead.”
“What about when he got older? It might've helped him understand what you'd gone through and why you were distant.”
“That doesn't matter when you're a parent. You don't leave your kids, period. It's unforgivable. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I didn’t want him knowin’ I chose dyin’ over bein’ his father.”
“Grief isn't black and white, Fisher. There's that gray area, that place where we become so lost we forget about everythin’ and everyone. We become so consumed with our pain it blinds us from seein’ the sufferin’ in those who were also left behind. I’m sure he experienced it, too, with losin’ his sister.”
“I can't explain why I chose to leave him when he was in pain, too.”
“You woulda had to have been in unfathomable amounts of pain to reach that level. Give him a little credit. I think he could understand that now at his age.”
“It wasn't just the pain. It was the guilt, too.”
“She died in a hikin' accident, right?”
“I tried to catch her...” His voice breaks. “It happened so goddamn fast.”
Tears break through the dam as I watch him struggle to speak. The burning sensation going down my throat has me choking.
“Her foot slipped as she reached for the next marker. She tumbled down, screamin’ as she tried to grab ahold of somethin'. I was inches from catchin' her, but my foot stubbed on a big rock, and her body landed in front of me.”
My God.
My voice catches in my throat as more tears roll down my cheeks.
“Her neck broke on impact.”
I shake my head, wiping my face. The imagery is too much to bear. I can't respond.
“I carried her body for two miles, and when I got to my truck, I contemplated drivin' off the cliff so I could die, too. The pain was immediate and unbearable. But I knew Mariah deserved to bury her daughter, so I drove to the ER. I couldn't tell her over the phone, so I asked the sheriff to bring them to the hospital. She pounded her fists against my chest as I held her, shoutin’ over and over how it was my fault her baby was gone. Jase watched as his mother broke down, and they both blamed me.”
I cup his cheek, silently offering the reassurance he needs as he blows out a shaky breath. His gaze falls to our feet, and he clears his throat as if he's trying to hold back his emotions.
“My parents cut me out of their lives when I decided to make bull riding my career, so havin’ close relationships with my kids was a priority. She and Jase weren't adventurous, so Lyla and me always took the day trips. I was responsible for her and blamed myself, too. I shoulda been closer or not let her go so high, but Lyla liked pushing the boundaries even when I warned her. She liked bein’ brave and tryin' new things. Mariah clung to the idea that if I hadn't encouraged Lyla so much, she wouldn't have wanted to impress me by going so high. Deep down, I knew Mariah was hurtin' as much as me and needed to point the blame at someone.”
I can't even imagine being in either of their shoes. Losing my aunt and uncle a couple of years ago rocked our family hard enough as it was. I couldn't fathom losing a sibling or watching my parents suffer at that level.
“I couldn't sleep, eat, or work. I don't even know what happened during those three weeks after her funeral. I was numb and just goin' through the motions of breathing and reliving the memory each time I closed my eyes. Jase had just lost his sister, and his parents couldn't even function to ensure his needs were met.”
“I'm so sorry y'all had to go through that. No parent should have to bury their child.” I take his hand and intertwine our fingers. I wish I could say the right thing to take away his pain, but nothing could ever remove the ache and guilt he’s felt for the past ten years.
“The only thought I had on repeat was to end my life. I never thought about dyin’ before her accident, but I couldn’t live in a world where Lyla didn't exist. Mariah couldn't look at me. Jase was distant from what he believed to be true. I wanted to end my sufferin’ along with theirs. It was a selfish move, but I didn’t care at the time.”
“That's when you asked your friend to shoot you,” I whisper.
