Page 105 of Here With Me
“It's not that easy.” He lowers his head. “A part of me worries you'll leave again.”
I drop my hand and rest it on my knee. “Understandable. But for the record, I'm never leavin' you again. I'm here because you're here. If you moved to the coldest place on earth, I'd follow. But please don't do that because I hate the fuckin' cold.”
A small smile appears on his clean-cut face. “Noted.”
There's a moment of silence as we listen to the trees blow in the wind.
“I didn't blame you, by the way,” he says so quietly I almost don't hear him.
I tilt my head as another shiver rolls through me. It's eighty-five degrees, yet my bones are chilled. “What'd ya mean?”
His gaze meets mine. “For Lyla's death. You said Mom and I blamed you, but I don't.”
My brows rise. “Oh. I assumed she told you about how Lyla died.”
“All she said was that Lyla fell from a cliff and you didn't catch her in time. Then she said it was your fault she was out there in the first place. I didn't get the full story until Damien told me after I'd just turned sixteen.”
I wince as my entire body shudders. Licking my dry lips, I lower my eyes to her tombstone. “What'd Damien say?”
Jase repeats the exact events of that day. Everything I told Noah, he also knew, and all this time, I had no idea.
“He also told me he didn't believe you were at fault,” he adds. “And I don't either.”
I lift my head and meet his stare. “You don't?”
“It sounds like it was a very tragic accident. But no one's to blame. Lyla couldn't be stopped. I remember how adventurous she was.” He smiles as he looks up at the sky. “Always beggin' me to climb with her up the hills or bike down them. She had a thirst for that rush. Somethin' we didn't share, but I admired her for it.”
Tears well in my eyes for the second time today. “You have no idea how it feels to hear you say that.” I rub a palm over my eyes and nod. “And yeah, she was an adrenaline junkie like me. Didn't care how dangerous somethin' was because it just made her wanna do it more.”
Jase looks back at me, his eyes narrowed. “Dad, I don't blame you for what happened to Lyla. I blame you for leavin' whenIneeded you. Years of wonderin' why I wasn't enough for you to stick around. It had me wonderin' if I’d been fun like Lyla, or outgoin’ like her, then maybe ya woulda stayed.” His voice cracks, and I lean over to pull him in for a hug. Tears shed down both our cheeks as we stay like this for a few minutes.
“I'm so sorry, Jase. I can't express how much. You needed me, and I let you down.”
“I wanna trust you again,” he admits, “but a part of me is still angry with you.”
“I know.” I nod, releasing my hold on him. “I want us to work through this so we can have a strong, healthy, trustworthy relationship. It's the only reason I'm here. You’re my priority. I never wanna hurt you again by not being the father you need.”
The guilt of falling for Noah eats at me because I know what I have to do in order to keep my promise. It’ll hurt like hell, and she's going to hate me, but I must choose my son this time instead of taking the selfish route. When life got hard, I wanted to die, which meant leaving him behind. But then I didn't, and I still left.
If he has feelings for Noah, he'll never accept that I do, too.
He needs me now more than ever. I have to give him time to heal and for us to rebuild our relationship. If he finds out I lied to him and secretly dated his ex, he won't forgive me a second time.
“Do you remember when Lyla packed up her little Barbie backpack and said she was runnin' away on her bike?” Jase asks with a laugh as he stares down at her stone.
“Oh yeah. She made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, then grabbed a bag of Doritos and two juice boxes.” I chuckle at the memory. “Your mom told us to go along with it, so we made sure she packed the right clothes, tied on her shoes, and I put air in her tires.”
“She was weirdly smart at nine. And sassy.” Jase smirks. “Why'd she wanna run away again?”
I brush a hand through my hair as I recall that day. “She wanted a puppy and decided she was gonna find a new family who'd let her have as many dogs as she wanted.”
“That's right.”
“She hopped on her bike and made it to the Muellers. They had a St. Bernard who chased her around their yard and eventually wore her out. After she fell asleep on their couch, Mom and I drove over and brought her home. As I was tuckin' her in, she asked if we could get a dog like theirs.”
“And then we got one four months later.”
We both laugh because Lyla was nothing if not persistent about what she wanted.
