Page 53 of The Cornish Christmas Book Clu
‘It’s hard for me to talk about some things, but I need to try. If nothing else it should help you understand me better.’ Gage puffed out a breath. ‘Earlier at dinner I had to apologise to Josie for not doing the polite thing and chatting to her.’ He leaned forward and rested his hands on his large, muscular thighs. ‘Until recently I’ve spent all my adult life in the military, where so many of the so-called rules are different.’
‘I get that and I’m sure Josie understood.’
‘She did. Too well.’ He gave a rough laugh. ‘I didn’t plan on admitting so many of my demons, but she wriggled them out before I knew what was happening.’
‘That sounds like Josie.’ Tamara needed to tread carefully. ‘Tell me more.’
Her heart broke a little more for him with each wrenching word he dragged out. The lamp behind his shoulder cast shadows on his face, showing the pain evident in every line of his stern profile.
‘From the time you were a teenager, you’ve done a job not many of us could manage and did it to the best of your ability. Josie was right when she said you’re a good man and not to be so hard on yourself. You’ll get there and I’ll do everything I can to help.’
Gage got up and came to sit by her. He draped his arm around her shoulder. ‘You’re good for me, you know that?’
‘I hope so. You certainly are for me.’ She nestled into him. ‘I’m going to offload on you now for a minute. Melissa’s worrying me. When we were in the kitchen, her face kept falling into a dark kind of sadness when she thought nobody was looking. And Nathan was throwing her worried looks. I think it’s the baby thing.’
Gage’s expression altered.
‘Don’t panic. Just because I’m around the same age as Melissa, that doesn’t mean I want to have another baby.’ Shesoftened her voice. ‘I might’ve been tempted if we’d met ten years ago, but I wouldn’t fancy going back to dirty nappies and sleepless nights now.’ Tamara faltered. ‘You said that when you were married, you wanted kids but your ex-wife didn’t. I sense there was more to it. Am I right?’ The breath caught in her throat when he didn’t rush to answer.
* * *
‘Yeah, but there are other things I need to get off my chest first.’ Gage grimaced. This was never going to be easy, so the sooner he got it over with, the better. ‘I told you I met Victoria at a party, but I never said how much she dazzled me.’ He could see the stark admission had taken Tamara aback. ‘Most of all I need you to know why. The only excuse I’ve got is that I’d recently returned from my third tour of Afghanistan and was wiped out, mentally and physically. I’d seen so much... ugliness. I can’t explain it...’
‘I can. She was the opposite of everything your life was about and you clung to that like a drowning man to a lifebelt. How long were you married?’
‘Five years on paper. She came from a wealthy family whose lineage goes back to William the Conqueror, and it was an act of defiance on her part to marry a common soldier. Yeah, I was an officer by that point, but that didn’t make me any more acceptable.
‘The novelty soon wore off for both of us. She was never going to fit into my life and I’d no interest in fitting into hers. We limped along for a while and kept up the pretence of being a couple.’ Gage swiped at his eyes. ‘The final curtain came when I returned from a month-long NATO exercise to find a taxi waiting outside the front door and a pile of suitcases in the hall. As her parting gesture, she told me that while I was away she’d found out she was pregnant. I was still reeling from thatwhen she casually tossed out that she didn’t want my baby, or anyone’s. As it happened, she’d miscarried — at least that’s what she claimed — but I’ve never been certain.’ He stared at the floor.
‘No wonder my thoughtless comment about not wanting another child struck so hard.’ She rested her head against his shoulder.
‘That’s different.’
‘Yes, it is. And you need to absolutely know that.’
Her fierce response made him smile. For the first time in days, he thought about Taff’s enigmatic message. He’d worried over it at first before concluding that his old friend must’ve got the wrong end of the stick. No way was his ex-wife interested in tracking him down to rekindle any sort of relationship.
‘But . . .’ Her voice trailed away.
‘But what? You can say anything to me. Surely you know that now?’
Her breath trembled. ‘I don’t want to hold you back from becoming a dad if that’s what you want, but I really can’t see myself with a baby at this point in my life. Perhaps it’s best we break things off now before we get in any deeper, so you could find someone to have a family with.’
‘Oh, Tamara.’ Gage gazed into her troubled eyes. ‘You want me to go out and find some random woman to father a child with? Seriously?’
‘Well, when you put it like that — no.’
‘What we have together is more than I’ve ever dared to hope for and you’re all I need.’ This wasn’t the right moment to say anything more about his deepening feelings for her. He gathered her closer so he felt her heartbeat against his own. ‘Are we okay now?’
‘I’d say we’re more than okay.’
Chapter Twenty
Why was the aroma of books so intoxicating? Tamara held Richard Osman’s latest bestseller up to her nose and sniffed.
‘You’re as weird as Uncle Gage.’
Emily’s caustic comment made her smile. It must be hard-wired in children that overnight, on their thirteenth birthday, they acquired the knack of sardonic disdain for all adults.
