Page 38 of The Wife
Her voice sounded so small. So unlike Ellie. I did that to her.
“I don’t know what to say.” That was also true.
“You don’t have to say anything, Jake. It’s okay. I need some time. For a while. But I think I can fix this. Sorry I made you worry. I really didn’t mean to.”
She hung up and I didn’t call her back. She wanted space and I had to respect that.
I closed up the house. I didn’t lock the door in case she changed her mind. I went to bed and I wondered what she meant by fixing this.
Ten
Ellie
Idisconnectedthe call and tossed the phone on the bed. I felt bad he’d been so worried. I felt worse thinking he might believe I would do something like that on purpose to spite him.
It was luck I had picked up the phone when Chrissy called. She wanted to know what we fought about, but I didn’t have the energy to tell her. It didn’t matter. None of that was important.
Whether Jake did or did not sleep with Carol and let her spend the night wasn’t the issue. I guess I believed him when he said that wasn’t what happened, but again that wasn’t what was important.
That rule was for me. So I wouldn’t feel like I felt this morning when I walked in on him and saw him…
“Ugh! Am I ever going to forget that moment?”
The empty room didn’t answer.
There were no hotels in town or anything like that. Just the one room for rent over the Hair Stop. But nothing close enough where I could commute back and forth to the ranch. I wasn’t going to leave Jake high and dry on the work. The ranch was my responsibility. I just couldn’t be in the house with him. Not now.
My father’s cabin hadn’t been used in years. It took me most of the day to get it stocked. I needed a ton of cut wood for the wood-burning stove, but thankfully it did give off a lot of heat.
I’m grateful Jake didn’t nearly bone Carol in the kitchen in February, as this escape plan probably wouldn’t have worked.
Escape, however, was temporary and I needed a plan for the future.
What I needed to do was simple. I had to divorce Jake. As soon as possible, if there was any hope of salvaging our relationship.
There was no way we could live together in this limbo until I turned twenty-one. At least there was no way I could do it. Because I was the one messing it up. I was the one with feelings.
Sure, Jake was attracted to me, and he felt things for me, but quite clearly he didn’t love me.
I did. Loved him. Like an idiot. I figured it out when he asked me that question so many months ago.
Can you say now you want to spend the rest of your life with me?
I hadn’t known until he asked.
The word had come fast and sharp back then.
Yes.
Yes. I did want to live with Jake. I did want to be his partner. I never wanted him to leave me.
Was it because my parents had left me, permanently? I don’t know. I just knew when he’d asked me the question I was certain of my answer.
Him asking the question in the first place, I was also certain of his answer. That he wasn’t ready to say that about me. I asked him to do this thing, to marry me, as a temporary arrangement and instead of putting his life on hold for sixteen months, I came back and asked for another three years.
He didn’t really have to stick it out. He could have bailed. I would have done what I had to do to make sure he got his money.
But he didn’t leave, and I didn’t think too hard about another solution other than trying to ask the bank for more money.
