Page 58 of The Lover
Now it was gone and everything was over. And it was like I would never feel anything ever again.
It reminded me of when my dad died.
Shock.
That’s what Jake had called it back then. We got back to Long Valley and instead of parking Jake pulled up to the front of the house.
“Stay here.”
It was the first words he said to me since we left the hospital. After he asked me how I was.
Then the car door opened and he was lifting me out and holding me in his arms.
“Jake, I can walk.”
“You’re not walking.”
I didn’t have the energy to fight him. He brought me inside, carried me up the stairs like I weighed nothing, and then started walking me toward his room.
“I should stay in my room,” I said. I wasn’t sure where that came from, but I just knew I didn’t want to go back to his room. I didn’t want to lie in that bed where we had been so happy. Not when I felt like this.
“Why?”
“It’s better if I sleep alone, so you don’t jostle me in the middle of the night.”
It was awful. To imply even obliquely that he might do something to cause me more pain. But I knew it was something he wouldn’t argue with me about.
He didn’t. Instead he took me to my room and set me gently down on the bed.
“You must be hungry,” he said. “It’s almost five in the afternoon and you haven’t eaten since yesterday. I’ll go put together some sandwiches quick.”
“Actually I’m not hungry. Just really tired. Is it okay if I take a nap instead?”
“Yes,” he blurted. “Of course. Whatever you want to do. Are you comfortable?”
The doctor told me what to expect. Some minor cramping and bleeding over the next two days or so. They had given me an ibuprofen for the pain, so actually I felt fine. They had given me a pair of scrub pants because my jeans had been ruined…
Don’t think about it.
But yes, between the scrubs and the t-shirt I was wearing I was fine. I didn’t have shoes on, because I hadn’t been wearing any when it all went down, so I pulled the covers down around me and then slid into bed.
“Yes. I’m fine.”
“Ellie…”
I turned away from him then, which was rude, but I didn’t want him to see me crying and I still didn’t have any words for him.
“Please… talk to me. Let me help you.”
“Later, okay Jake?” I sniffed. “I really am super tired.”
* * *
Jake
Iwantedto yell at her. I wanted to shake her. Force to her say something. Anything. Yell at me, hit me, blame me for every sadness in her life. Something other than this.
Because this was worse. This felt like she was shutting me out. I carried her up the stairs and I remembered the last time I had done it. The day of the snowstorm when she’d unhooked herself from the damn safety line to try and save a calf.
