Page 38 of Mostly My Boss
“I’m sorry for your loss,” Carol said. “Death can be a destabilizing event. Something that can shake apart a relationship and put it back together differently. You’re saying your father’s death led to intimacy with Julia?”
I nodded. “I reached out to her. I needed something to help me control my emotions. As always, she was there for me. However, I…struggled to do deal with it afterward. It wasn’t as uncomplicated as a wedding hookup. Like you said, I couldn’t…I couldn’t compartmentalize it.”
No putting Jules back into the Jules box. Not after that. The box had been gone, and I’d been so damned scared of what that meant.
“That’s when I left her…it was after that happened.”
“And Julia, how did that make you feel?”
She didn’t answer. Or wouldn’t answer.
I sighed. “Jules, the only way we’re going to get through this is if we’re honest with each other. You have to see that. Yell at me. Shout at me. I know you’re angry, but we need to get all of it out on the table if we’re going to fix us.”
“It wasn’t the only other time,” Julia said tightly.
I looked at her. “What are you talking about?”
Her hands were clenched together.
“We’ve had sex…before. Before your father’s funeral, before the wedding. You said to be honest. That’s as honest as I can be.”
I rubbed a hand over my face. “Jules, you’re not making any sense. I think I would know when I’ve had sex with you.”
She was biting down hard on her lip, shaking her head. And then I saw actual tears in her eyes. Jules didn’t cry. Unlike me, when things got too big, she had the ability to shut down her emotions and wield incredible control over them. While mine could get messy and nearly unmanageable.
In fact, there was only that one time when I’d seen her lose it…
“Jules. What the fuck are you talking about?”
* * *
Harvard
Julia
“Ugh,” I growled. This equation was not making sense to me. I was taking an advanced calculus class that semester and I hated to admit I might be in a little over my head.
“What’s the matter?” Ethan asked. He was in his usual spot, sitting at the end of my bed. It was weird but, despite his having a single dorm room, we still spent some time in my room.
I wasn’t absolutely sure whose idea that was. Mine, because it was convenient. Ethan’s, because he liked it when Nicki came in and fawned all over him. Not that I was jealous of Nicki.
Or any of the other girls he hooked up with. Because that’s all they were. One night and done. Ethan never dated any of them and he was never with the same girl twice. He called them one-and-dones.
Ethan and I were the opposite ofthat.Friends. Best friends, really. He knew my shit and I knew his shit. And scarcely a day had passed since we met that we didn’t spend time together.
Was that strange?
No, that was college friendship. Fast. Intense. For life.
Except, it started to occur to me that all his one-and-dones were about scratching an itch he wouldn’t scratch with me.
Why? I mean, what was it about me exactly that screameddon’t touch?
He wasn’t all that. Not really. Too tall, too thin, too weird. Bushy eyebrows that he wouldn’t let me trim. Still, he went after and got girls without any problems.
While I still worked to keep most of the guys on campus at arms’ length. And it wasn’t like I had to work all that hard. My vibe, Ethan once told me, screamed,back the fuck up.
Why did I do that?
