Page 62 of Wild Card
Ed was lucky he’s been such a great assistant for so many years before he started doing everything in his power to cockblock me with this woman. He bought condoms but only because I was nearly fucking out and I had stupid hope where one woman in particular is concerned. How to admit any of that without it being humiliating in this context is going to be fun.
“You know I haven’t been able to have sex while my hip is healing.”
She gives me a knowing look. “I know you have limitations right now, but you didn’t seem to have a problem finding workarounds in the past.”
“Oh, are we done pretending that didn’t happen?”
“Tobias…” She sighs and turns away from me, starting off into the living room, and I follow her.
“Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Ignore what I just said. I’m tired of it.”
“You’ve been ignoring it too.”
“You’re right.”
Her face contorts at the easy admission and then she eyes me carefully like she’s trying to figure out my angle in this. So I continue on.
“You’re right. We’ve both been ignoring it. It’s my fault for putting you in that position in the first place, and for that I’m sorry.”
“Are you apologizing for fucking me?”
“No. I’m apologizing for making you act like it didn’t happen. I was fucking embarrassed that you found me like that, and my ego’s basically been ground to fucking dust. And then even still I couldn’t resist the pity fuck.” I scrub a hand over my face. “And don’t tell me that’s not what it was. I saw the way you looked at me. Like I was about to break, and you just wanted to stop it. I took advantage of it wholeheartedly, so you don’t have to feel bad about it. I can’t even really say I regret it if I’m being honest. But I regret that we’re trapped in this fucking limbo where we pretend like we’re half-friends and half-strangers and you’re assuming I’m here having substitutes come in.”
“I didn’t say that. I said—”
“I’m saying it. You run around here all day looking like you do, taking care of me, talking me up, and being supportive… And fuck… I know how you taste, the little sounds you make for me, the way you look when I’m inside you. I don’t want to fuck someone else.”
She glances at me and then away again, her telltale blush starts to creep over her freckles, and she folds her arms across her chest before she begins to shake her head like she can’t believe it.
“And I know you don’t want me. You want the dream guy. A guy like Colt. The guy who rides in on the white fucking horse and tells you how in love with you he is and asks you to marry him. And we both know I’m not that guy. I don’t expect anything from you. I’m just telling you where I am.”
“I’ve been ignoring it because I didn’t want to be a distraction to your recovery. And I knew I embarrassed you—on accident—but still, no one wants embarrassing things dragged up out of the mire. I liked the time we spent together before the video and the accident. Even if it was the one-night kind of fun instead of the fairytale kind. But then stuff got so messy, so fast. I just… I like you as a person. A friend. I do think of you as a good friend, you know? And I wanted,want, you to get better, Tobias. I want to see you play again. Laugh. Be your old confident self.”
“I appreciate that. I know you have good intentions.”
“Not always. Before the accident, there was a flicker of hope in me. I thought…” She shakes her head and laughs. “I thought maybe I could change you; you know? I have no idea what the hell kind of audacity got into me to think that. It’s embarrassing. But I hurt my own feelings. You were always clear about where you stood. About who you were and about what you were offering, and what you couldn’t offer. So I’m not mad at you if that’s what you’re worried about. Just seeing that video of you with someone else. Hearing everyone talk about how hot it was at that particular time… Shattered a lot of illusions for me—onesIcreated. Anyway… I’m just trying to move on, which is hard to do when I have to be here every day. You know?”
“Which is why Joss and Harper are setting you up.”
“Harper doesn’t know. Or at least, if she does, she hasn’t let on.”
“But Joss does?”
“She guessed before the video and the accident. She doesn’t know anything else.”
I have a sneaking suspicion about what Joss is up to then. She and I are going to have words. But there’s no point in telling Scarlett right now.
“Got it.”
I don’t know if I can ever be what this woman wants—what she deserves. I don’t want her stuck with a broken version of me who can’t play anymore. One who’s bitter and hasn’t worked through the aftermath of everything that’s happened. I want to earn her.Deserve her. But I’m panicking a little at the idea of these other guys. I’ve been imagining her in the same bubble as I am—in this house. In our own little world.
But she isn’t broken like I am, clawing her way back to something even approaching normal. She’s fucking sweet and perfect. So thoughtful and smart. Everything I’ve ever thought I wanted. These guys are fucking idiots if they don’t try to lock her down. She has every right to want to move on from me. I’ve given her no reason to think I can or would do any better than I have in the past.
But fuck, I want a shot at something with her. A fair one. If that means competing for it, I don’t fucking mind. I have advantages they don’t have with her. I just have to try to get one without scaring her.
