Page 80 of A Rogue to Resist
The possibility hadn’t occurred to Katherine, focused as she had been on her own pain at the news of Drake’s engagement.
“That’s absurd,” she said, though without conviction. “Even if Drake saw me with Lord Clifton, surely he wouldn’t base such an important decision on a chance encounter.”
“Do you really believe that?” James raised an eyebrow.
Katherine’s breath caught.
Drake had followed her to Thornfield Park. If he had witnessed her walk with Lord Clifton through the rose garden—he might indeed have drawn precisely the wrong conclusion. The same mistake she had made upon hearing of his engagement to Lady Eleanor, assuming he had chosen entirely for practical reasons rather than in reaction to her apparent interest in another suitor.
“Even if that were true,” she said after a moment, “it changes nothing. Drake is engaged. To break such an arrangement would cause a scandal that would damage Lady Eleanor’s reputation and his own honour. He would never consider it.”
The announcement was published. The settlements would be in progress. Society had already congratulated the couple on their match. There was no honourable way for Drake to withdraw now, regardless of his true feelings.
“You’re holding out for a man who is already engaged,” James said, his gentle tone softening the brutal truth of his words. “And while I am more sympathetic to your situationthan you might believe, I cannot watch you retreat from life in mourning for what might have been.”
“What would you have me do?” Katherine asked again, genuine bewilderment in her voice. “Attend Lady Pemberton’s ball as though nothing has happened? Dance and smile and pretend I don’t feel as though something essential has been torn from me?”
“Yes,” James replied simply. “That is precisely what I would have you do. Not to find another husband—though I still believe you deserve companionship—but to demonstrate that Katherine Allingham Halston is not defined by any man, whether Edmund in the past or Drake in the present.”
It was perhaps the most astute thing her brother had ever said to her. Katherine studied him with new eyes, wondering when the slightly overbearing young man who had arranged her first marriage had developed such insight.
“When did you become so wise?” she asked, a faint smile touching her lips despite the ache in her chest.
James laughed softly. “I’ve been married to Rosabel for nine years. It’s impossible to remain a fool for that long in her company.”
Katherine moved back to her chair, smoothing her skirts as she settled into it once more.
“I’m not certain I have the strength to face Society just now,” she admitted. “Particularly knowing I might encounter Drake and Lady Eleanor at any gathering.”
“Which is precisely why you must,” James insisted. “If you withdraw now, people will indeed talk—and the most likely conclusion they will draw is that you are hiding a broken heart.”
The accuracy of this assessment was undeniable, however much Katherine wished to reject it. Her absence from socialevents following Drake’s engagement would only confirm the gossip her brother had alluded to.
“Besides,” James continued, his tone gentler, “retreating to Willow Park would solve nothing. The news would still reach you. The wedding would still proceed. And you would still find yourself alone with thoughts of what might have been.”
Katherine’s fingers tightened on the much-abused invitation in her lap. Her brother was right, as much as she hated to admit it. Hiding at Willow Park would not change Drake’s engagement or heal the wound in her heart. It would merely allow her to indulge in melancholy rather than facing her pain with the dignity that had sustained her through far worse trials.
“You’re right,” she acknowledged finally. “I will attend Lady Pemberton’s ball. And Lord Harrington’s musical evening, if you insist. Though I draw the line at the Countess of Westwick’s garden party—her conversation is tedious even when one is in the best of spirits.”
James laughed, relief evident in his expression. “A fair compromise. I’ll inform Rosabel—she’ll be delighted to help you select appropriate gowns for the occasions.”
As her brother rose to depart, Katherine felt compelled to add one stipulation: “I will not entertain suitors, James. I may attend social functions, but I have no interest in courting or marriage. Not now. Perhaps not ever.”
James paused at the door, studying his sister with a mixture of compassion and hope that Katherine found unexpectedly touching.
“I understand, and I won’t press the matter. But Katherine—” he hesitated, then continued softly, “—don’t close your heart entirely. Life has a way of surprising us when we least expect it.”
When he had gone, Katherine remained in her chair, the crumpled invitation forgotten in her lap as she stared into thefire burning low in the grate. Her brother’s words echoed in her mind:You’re holding out for a man who is already engaged.
The truth of it cut deep, a pain more acute than anything she had experienced during her years with Edmund. Then, she had protected herself by withdrawing emotionally, building walls that no amount of coldness or cruelty could penetrate. Now, those same walls had been breached, leaving her vulnerable to a hurt she had never anticipated.
What if she had truly lost him? The question tormented her as she watched the flames flicker and dance. What if Drake proceeded with his marriage to Lady Eleanor, producing the heir the entail demanded, while Katherine attended social functions with a fixed smile and an aching heart?
Could she bear to watch him build a life with another woman, knowing what might have been if either of them had found the courage to speak before it was too late?
The fire offered no answers, only the quiet consumption of wood into ash—a transformation as complete and irreversible as the one her heart had undergone since meeting Drake Halston. Whatever came next, whatever choices lay before her, Katherine knew with grim certainty that she would never be the same woman who had so confidently declared her independence at their first meeting.
For better or worse, Drake had changed her. And now she would have to learn to live with the consequences of loving a man she could not have.
