Page 104 of Replay
“Why?”
There it was; the genuinely troublesome question.He ought to dredge up an answer.Try something out.Alle would no doubt ask the same thing too.Why?Why, why, why?
His life was full those questions?Why had Siv thrown him to the wolves?Why did he get such a thrill out of hurting people he cared about?Why was Marshall Hutton so intent on being an outright bastard?Why did Alle have to be related to him?Why did she have to have so many brothers?Why wasn’t celibacy the cure all he’d hoped it would be?Were all his current troubles down to the fact he’d given in, abandoned his vow?Was this all some sort of punishment?
Luthor wanted an answer to a different why.“Why save yourself all this time, and then sleep with a man you could have had almost anytime over the last decade, at a point when you knew he was spoken for, and when you’d just embarked on a relationship of your own?”
“It’s complicated,” he sighed.Even to his own ears that sounded like a cop-out.
Luthor gave a bark-like laugh.“That’s what he says.He also says it’s not his tale to tell.So, you tell me?Why should I allow you to breeze in and fuck my boyfriend and then breeze out again?What is it that’s so fucking secret neither of you will bleat a word about it, but that made the two of you a goddamned inevitability?Yes, inevitable, at least since Genoa.I need answers, Spook.And I need to know if this is going to be a repeating pattern because that affects how I handle it.”His head bowed and he sighed into the sea.“Dani won’t ever get it.You heard her.It’s been almost a year since the three of us got together, and she’s still holding onto all those grudges.Deep down, regardless of all that’s happened since, I’m still the man who stole Xane from her.That makes you the devil incarnate at the minute, by the way, because you weren’t even forthright about it.You sneaked up.She never saw you coming.Never imagined…”
“But you did?”
“Xane hasn’t taken his eyes off you since Genoa.Not for a heartbeat.And that’s about more than him just being protective of you.That wasn’t the first time, was it?”
A chill speared through Spook’s heart, made him wrap his arms around himself.“First time for what?”His voice cracked owing to his hesitancy.
Luthor sucked his tongue.“I didn’t mean to blurt that, or for it to sound so confrontational.It wasn’t the first time that… that someone got ideas about you and acted on them.”
That was a cagey way of putting it.Whatever.He wasn’t about to answer.
Luthor lifted his head, but his mismatched eyes remained hidden by the floppy front of his mid-length hair.“I guess your silence is answer enough.I don’t need to know the details.It’s none of my business.But Xane is.”
“I’m not interested in being his lover, Luthor.I think that’s what you want to know, isn’t it?”
The wind stirred Luthor’s long fringe enough to unmask his eyes.He peered at Spook with the light of genuine curiosity sparkling in his mismatched irises.“He cares deeply about you.The attraction’s there, clearly.”
“I care about him too.”But it was a different sort of love he felt for Xane than what Luthor was asking about.“We’re each other’s safety nets.That’s the best way I can describe it.Believe me, it wasn’t my intention to wind up in bed with him last night.The only person I was planning on engaging in that sort of activity was Alle, and even that wasn’t really a given.”The bite of tension through his frontal cortex had him pinching his brow.“I don’t want to get into details, Luthor.I’m going to have to have this conversation with Alle too, and I don’t like it one bit.There are reasons I keep quiet about all my shit.”
He held Luthor’s gaze, willing the other man to acknowledge the concession he’d already made.He’d admitted more than he’d ever intended to at this stage.The band needed to know, but Luthor was a recent addition, and those disclosures were still pinpoints on the horizon.Things to work towards, after he’d squared things with Alle, and could look those memories in the eye without flinching and wanting the ground to swallow him.
Slowly, Luthor’s expression softened.His mouth remained stern, but no longer quite so fierce, and his eyes swam with empathy rather than hostility.“I get that.”He took a deep breath that he released as a sigh.“Would you do me a favour?If things lean in that particular direction between you and Xane again, at least involve me in the discussion.I don’t need to know the whys of how it helps, or any details.I get that you both care deeply about one another, and I don’t have a problem with that.I just want a more precise understanding of how we all fit together than I currently have.And just so that you’re aware, sharing’s not something I have an issue with.It’s not by chance that I wound up in a polyamorous relationship.And even if it wasn’t, I have somewhat different relationship rules to most people.”
“I’m not interested in being his lover, Luthor.”
“No?”
“No.”Spook swallowed hard.He could sense the tension in Luthor’s body despite the wind blowing between them, and all his talk of acceptance.“I don’t want any of this trauma, Luthor.I just want to make music with my friends, and see if I can figure out something workable with Allegra.I’m not interested in coming between you, Xane, and Dani.”
Luthor seemed to decide their discussion was concluded.He left the railing and headed back toward the lounge.Hand on the door knob, he paused.“One last question: Did you… The night in Monte Carlo.Did you fuck then?”
Spook gave a swift sharp shake of his head.“No.We shared a bed that night, but only because there is only the one in his flat.Luthor, I passed out cold.”
“Hm.”The noise was small.Contemplative.
“Seriously, nothing happened.I’d probably have decked him if he’d been anything more than his usual needy self.”
“Is that so?”
Spook swallowed hard.Luthor’s gaze in that moment might be capable of burning through steel.“Nothing happened between us,” he repeated, sliding his tongue over the stress roughened skin of his lower lip.“But I believe Xane wanked himself silly in the bathroom.I’ve only his testament to that as confirmation.I wasn’t awake at the time.”
A slow smile creased the corners of Luthor’s eyes.Relief, Spook realised.Black Halo’s drummer gave a loose nod.Then he was gone, leaving Spook to harness his thoughts into some sort of cohesive narrative.He was going to have to disclose everything to Alle.Details of events that he’d tried hard to forget.
What price love?And could he definitely trust her?
