Page 106 of Replay
She lashed out, drumming her fists against his solid chest in what felt like fruitless anger.
He didn’t stop her, or even attempt to step out of reach.Just patiently waited her out.That in itself was infuriating.How dare he be so calm about it?So guilt free.Remorseless.
“If you had, then today would have been a great deal shittier than it has already been.”
It was the sincerity of his voice that cowed her drumming.
“Bullshit,” she hissed, because it felt cathartic, not because she believed it.
Xane caught hold of her wrists and held them tight against his chest.“I get that you’re upset.By all means, feel upset.Shout about betrayal, but be fucking thankful too.I told you when you set your heart on having him that it’d be a long bumpy ride.He’s broken, Alle.His ex-girlfriend smashed him all to pieces.The man you profess to love is stuck together with super glue, and right now that’s barely enough to hold him together.”
Alle tore herself free of his grasp, and responded to his growl with a dismissive huff.
Xane’s grip fastened tight around her upper arms instead.She struggled, but he held her.He was taller, and stronger than his wiry physique suggested.“Listen to me.You don’t have to like it, but for Spook’s sake try and understand.I’m sorry that you thought a pep talk was what was going to bring him back from the edge.It wasn’t.Alle, it’ll never be.Look, I fought with him last night because he needed an outlet for all the rage still alive inside of him.His demons are eating him.”He released her long enough to raise his shirt on one side so that she could see the marks all across his torso.“Then, I fucked him because he asked me to, and not because of some perverse desire of my own.He wants to heal.That was part of the process.”
“I could hav—”
“Sorry, but no.You couldn’t have fulfilled that part.It had to be a man.It had to be me.”
“Fuck you,” she railed, fighting herself free of his grip again.“Fuck you.Why would it?Why did it need to be you?”
“You’ll have to ask him to explain.I won’t.”
She slapped him.
His cheeks hollowed out, his jaw set tight.
“I held him all night,” he said, “because I wanted him to see another daybreak.”
That blew a cold chill through her veins.She froze.A horrific image of Spook, stone cold and silent crashed through her thoughts.How many times had she stroked her fingers along the aged scars on his forearms?“He wasn’t,” she protested.
“He was a mess.You got me because I could deal with that.I could get him off that ledge.I’m sorry the methods upset you.”
“I fucking hate you.”
“Yeah.Get in the queue.”
“Dani?”she barked.“Luthor?Have you asked them to shrug it off as nothing?To forgive you?”
Pain so visceral she could see it contorted his face, transforming him from a sinner to a penitent.“Dani will never forgive me.Our relationship is still intact, but it’s fragile.”He closed his eyes, seemingly in need of composing himself.In fact, she watched his Adam’s apple bob as he took breath after steadying breath.“I’ll do my damnedest to heal that.To make things right, but I won’t pretend I wouldn’t make the same choices again.That I won’t make the same choices again.I’ve said the same things to you as I have to them.I’m sorry for causing you pain, but I’m not sorry for what I did to help my friend.”
“Again?”she croaked, aghast, latching on to that particular factor over everything else.Xane meant to repeat what they’d done.
“Only if the need arose.”
Alle put her hands across her mouth.Her heart was lodged in her throat, its beat echoed by an agonising pulse in her temples.Xane and Spook.How could she fit into that?
“Alle.”Xane’s voice sounded stern, but had a soothing burr to it.“I’m sorry.I realise you’re still trying to wrap your head around all this, but I need to know what your next move is.If you’re planning to go out there and flay him, then…” He shook his head.“Don’t.Please.He’s plenty good at punishing himself.He thought of you immediately.He knew it would hurt you, but you mustn’t think he intentionally set out to hurt or deceive you.He didn’t.He absolutely didn’t.You mean so much to him.”
“But not enough.He did the one thing guaranteed to hurt me the most.”
Xane bowed his head and sighed down to his soles.“We didn’t do it for no reason, Alle.”
“Tell me the reason, then.”
His gaze laser focused on the glass doors.“Like I said, you need to ask him.All I ask is that you listen and try to stay calm.Please, hear him out before you cast judgement.And think carefully about the consequences of whatever actions you decide to take.”
She scowled.“I’m not the one in the wrong here.You can stop making it sound as if I’m somehow to blame.”
