Page 75 of Refrain
“Okay, I can’t speak for anybody else, but yes, I do. The thing is, that isn’t going to happen overnight. I know you spoke, but you didn’t really think that one conversation was going to fix everything? You need to let him set the pace.”
“Luthor, if I do that, I’ll be dead of old age before he considers speaking to me.”
Spook felt her weariness and frustration in that comment. He had given her the run around, and not just lately. He’d done it from day one, though not deliberately. Over and again, he’d said he didn’t want a relationship, but she’d never accepted that, and every time they ended up in the same room together, his resolution failed him.
Luthor pulled another piece off his sandwich. Spook had a side-on view of him, and his gravity defying cargo shorts.
“Alle, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. And I realise I should have said that sooner, but you have to look at it from his viewpoint. Every single thing he feared would come true if he got involved with you has come to pass, and while none of that is your fault, it doesn’t make it easier to deal with. Right now, the demons are ruling the roost.”
“I could help.”
“Could you? He’s no reason to trust you.”
She made a choked noise, and a reciprocal pain flashed through Luthor’s drawn face. “I’m sorry, but you need to be real about this.”
“Luthor…” she croaked, her desperation so visceral it punched him in the chest. “Tell me the truth, is he likely to hurt himself? It’s just… I know he has a history of… I’ve seen the scars…”
“We’re watching out for him, I promise. Look, I’ll give you my number. You can hassle me for updates instead of Xane, and as for Spook, he’ll speak to you when he’s ready.”
“What if I try again tomorrow?”
“Sure. Just don’t expect too much. It could be days before Spook surfaces again. But I will tell him that you called.”
“You will?”
“I will.”
“Thank you. Okay.” She hung up without saying goodbye.
Luthor glanced in his direction but didn’t appear to see him. He sat and ate his sandwich with zero relish before tidying his plate into the sink. Once done, he headed outside, presumably to talk to Xane.
Spook waited a moment, then slipped over to the fridge, from which he claimed a few easily digestible items. The pangs in his stomach had been letting him know he was hungry for several hours now, but he hadn’t been able to face walking out there and having both Xane and Luthor look at him with pity in their eyes. It seemed likely they’d be outside a while, so he was probably safe.
He filled a glass of water too and ate slowly. His insides felt hollow. If he rushed, it would just come back up.
Minutes passed. He finished his impromptu picnic. Neither man came back, which set his mind into overdrive imagining they’d driven off having decided he wasn’t worth the bother anymore and that they might as well leave him to stew in his own misery.
He hadn’t wanted either of them here, but the notion of them departing had him scuttling towards the sink, where he clung to the porcelain until he was sure what he’d eaten was going to stay put. Cue him peeping round the curtains like a nosy busybody. The car remained at the side of the cottage where Luthor had first parked it up. They were in the front seats. Xane behind the wheel, his head bowed over it. Luthor in the passenger seat, his strong fingers working the knots from the back of Xane’s neck and his shoulders.
He watched them a while, the two of them talking, and so obviously in love. Xane twitchy and hurting. Luthor stoic. It set off more guilt pangs in his guts. His neediness and drama had caused all this. If he hadn’t… If he hadn’t what? Asked for Xane’s help? But he’d been so knotted up, and it had felt so right in the moment back in Gothenburg, and now too, if he were honest. Why did what existed between them have to impact everything else? He shook his head. No one had looked at him in the same way since that night. It hadn’t been about anybody else, just him and Xane, and trusting someone enough to reach out and say, ‘I need help’ then being relieved when that person didn’t spit in your face but gave you everything they could with an open heart. It didn’t need to change anything for anybody else. Yet, it had. He didn’t grieve for his own relationship, that’d been doomed from day one. He’d always known that. Xane and Dani though, that made him want to puke again. This time, he reached for the bin.
He was still holding it when the sound of the front door creaking had him turning his head sharpish. Luthor stood on the threshold, his kindly gaze settled on Spook like he expected him to bolt. When he didn’t, Luthor came in properly, and closed the door behind him. He watched as Spook set down the bin.
“Brew? Or beer?”
Spook wavered. He’d barely eaten anything. On the other hand, talking over drinks had the trappings of normality, and maybe he was done with stewing.
“It’s not a trick question.”
“Beer.”
Luthor got them a couple of bottles from the fridge and did the honours with the caps before handing one over to Spook. Luthor stayed on his feet, while Spook hunkered down on the floor. It felt safer.
“It’s not your fault, you know.”
He did not know. Quite the contrary, “I don’t know how you can say that.”
“Because it’s the truth.” Luthor took a long swallow, then set his bottle down and began picking at the label. He caught Spook’s gaze after he’d torn off a strip. “I’m not saying you didn’t play a part, but it’s arrogant to suppose you were the cause. Do you really think our relationship was so fragile that you and Xane hooking up for one night could unravel it?”
