Page 74 of Refrain
He didn’t want to leave the room.
He didn’teverwant to leave the room.
Maybe if he lay here, he’d eventually slip away into nothing.
When Xane cracked the door open, he closed his eyes and feigned invisibility. The second time he told him to piss off, and instantly regretted it. That’s why he was out of bed when the phone started ringing with the same incessant peal it’d done the day before.
Spook inched the door open a crack. Luthor and Xane were stood by the kitchen island. Luthor spreading marmalade on bread, while Xane sat on the countertop beside him picking at the hole in the thigh of his jeans.
Luthor waggled the butter knife at him. “Are you going to answer that, or are you just ignoring it in the hopes it’ll go away?”
Xane picked it up, but instead of answering, took off the case.
“Xane? Do not take the battery out.”
“It’ll stop the noise.”
“So will answering it. Just accept the call.”
He couldn’t see Xane’s face, but Spook could imagine the shape of his lips as he huffed in defeat. “But it’s Alle.”
“I know it’s Alle.”
“She’ll want to talk to Spook.”
“Well, obvs.”
“He just told me to fuck off, Luthor. I don’t think this is a good time to go waving his ex-girlfriend in front of him.”
“So, tell her that.”
Xane grouched some more, but as the phone continued to chirp, he gingerly put it to his ear. “Hi. Yeah. It isn’t a good time right now… No, it’s not that I don’t want to hand you over. Jesus! For fuck’s sake woman, I’m going to hang up and block you if you don’t stop fucking screaming at me. No, I’m not gate keeping. I’ve just told you, it’s not a good time. When? I don’t know. I’m not psychic.”
“Xane,” Luthor cautioned over his growing irritation.
“Oh, fucking piss off!”
For a second Spook thought that remark was directed at Luthor, but then Xane thrust the phone into his boyfriend’s hands, and it became apparent it was directed at the caller.
“I just can’t…I’m too strung out. It’s too much.” Xane’s dark hair lashed against his back as he levered himself off the worktop. “Here, you do it, if you think you can keep it together better than me.” He headed for the front door, stopping only long enough to take the car keys from Luthor’s coat pocket. Xane’s lover deserted his sandwich and crossed to the window. Spook couldn’t see out from where he was, but the bedroom window overlooked the same spot. Xane got behind the wheel, but instead of pulling off, he beat his head against the steering wheel.
Having already regretted his earlier sharpness, Spook contemplated climbing out the window and offering his most sincere apology, but the sound of Luthor’s voice drew him back to the conversation taking place in the lounge. Alle was yelling loud enough for him to hear it.
“Why won’t either of you let me speak to Spook?”
Why did it tear at his chest every time he heard her voice?
Luthor toyed with the crust of his sandwich, eventually pulling off a piece and chewing it.
“Because it’s genuinely not a good time. I’m not saying it to fob you off. Hard truth time, Alle. Spook’s not in a good place. He’s struggling. I’d say the same thing to anyone who called asking to speak to him. Not that anyone does.”
He didn’t want to speak to her, and it was probably wrong to listen in on what Luthor was telling her, but Spook couldn’t drag himself away.
“Tell me what you mean by struggling. I spoke to him yesterday. He seemed subdued but okay.”
Luthor scoffed. “Alle, he’s not okay. Really, listen to me. I mean it. He’s notoh-kay. Not even a little bit. He’s depressed, and probably has PTSD. Some days are better than others. Today is not a good day. And I’m really sorry that Xane’s being short tempered with you, but he’s finding this whole situation hard too, so I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t make things harder for him. Yes, I know it’s hard for you too, and I realise that we haven’t, any of us, been as supportive as we could have. I’m sorry about that. Truly, I am, and if Xane wasn’t so strung out right now, I’m sure he’d say the same. Seriously, we, all of us, want the same things, to see Spook back with the band, and back with you.”
“Do you?”
