Page 80 of Ember Meadow
“You are.”
“No, I’m not. I’m not a ‘fall in love’ type of gal, Hazel.” My hands start to sweat on the steering wheel. Is Hazel right? Am I in love with Miles? There’s no way.
“Seems like you are, for the right person,” she sing-songs, turning back to face forwards.
My hands start to shake as I think about this summer. The way my heart beats faster when I know he’s around. The fireworks in my stomach when he gets close, or winks at me from across the room. How dizzy I feel when his deep baritone laugh cuts through the air. When he touches me and it just feels unexplainablyright.
“Holy shit. I think I might be in love with him.” My jaw hangs open as the realization hits me like a truck.
“Hah! I knew it was about him,” Hazel shouts. She takes one of my hands from the white-knuckle grip I have on the steering wheel, sandwiching it between her own. “Hey, it’s okay. This is great. I’m so happy for you, Katie.”
“This is notgreat. This is terrible,” I yell. Hazel jumps a bit at my exasperation. “I can’t be in a relationship, I’m not equipped for that. Look at my parents. One or both of us will get hurt for sure. Miles has a perfect, loving family, I don’t fit in with that at all. He was married before, he definitely knows how to be in a long-term relationship. I’m just not that kind of person. Plus, we live in different places.” I take a deep breath, trying not to freak out, but I’m not doing a very good job at it.
“Oh Kate,” Hazel breathes. “I hate that you think of yourself like that. Of course you’re capable of being in a relationship.”
“How do you know? What if I’m not? Aunt Millie hasn’t been with someone since I’ve known her and she’s fine!”
Hazel sighs, and I can tell she’s thinking about what she’s going to tell me. Sometimes I wish I would slow down more often and think like she does instead of blurting things out as soon as they pop into my head.
“Of course you’d be fine on your own. You’ve always been independent, you can take care of yourself. But, you don’t have to be alone all of the time. Just because Millie is alone doesn’t mean you have to be. You can still be badass and be in a relationship. People do it all the time,” she says.
I blink away the tears welling up in my eyes. “But what if I’m not good at it, Hazel? What if I end up like my parents? What if I hurt someone, or get really hurt?”
“Then you deal with it as it comes. There’s probably going to be some hurt, even if it all works out in the end. You can handle it. I know you can.”
“I just don’t want to hurt him. He’s been through enough. I don’t know how to love him,” I whisper. The words fall out of my soul and I feel a weight being lifted off of me. Deep down I knew why I was scared, but saying it outloud is freeing.
“Babe, no one knows how. You just do. You both try your hardest to work at being together and being decent humans. You’ll both probably get hurt at some point, but that’s okay, you’ll get past it. Or you won’t. But you know what?” Hazel smiles.
I nod, encouraging her to continue. I’m not sure I can get a word out without sobbing right now.
“It’s all worth it in the end. My parents have gone through some rough patches over the years, but they bring each other so much joy it cancels out the pain. They created a beautiful life they love. They laugh with each other on the happy days, and cry together on the sad days. I want to have that. A best friend to go through life with, and a partner all in one. I want you to have it too. You deserve it, and you’re capable of it,” Hazel beams.
I pull into a parking spot at the small Jackson Hole Airport right as the tears start to flow from my eyes. Hazel reaches over from the passenger seat to pull me into a big hug I didn’t know I needed.
“It’s hard, Hazel,” I sob, not sure she can even understand me.
“I know,” she whispers.
Hazel stays with me until I finally dry my tears and manage a watery smile.
“Alright. Go,” she urges, waving her hands at me like she’s pushing me away.
I laugh, “Go where? I’m not the one with a flight to catch.”
“Go get Miles, dumbass,” she yells. “I didn’t go through that whole speech for you to just drive home anyway.”
My heart pounds so hard in my chest I’ll be surprised if she can’t hear it. “Right now?”
“Yes, right now, when else?”
“Well, I was thinking I’d head home and think about it for a few days.”
Hazel laughs, gathering her purse and phone. “So you can talk yourself out of it? I don’t think so. You’re going to start this car once I’m out and head straight back to that ranch. I want a full report after. I’m holding you to this,” she says.
My stomach tumbles over itself. She’s probably right, if I don’t go talk to him now while I’ve got the courage, I might not ever go back. Especially if enough time passes. By the time I get the guts up to do this again he could have moved on.
Wow. I don’t like that thought.
