Page 18 of Hush Money
I bring it with me wherever I go.
“Why?” she whispers. I smile as I shrug.
“Because it’s us.”
EVIE
“Ineed to finish a few things for work today,” my mom says as she walks past my bedroom, “so I will have to meet you there.”
I don’t say anything.
I just stare at myself in my mirror, my graduation cap on my head, the gown flowing down to my ankles. I have six different tassels for all of my honor societies and extracurriculars. My mom didn’t care much about them—she cared more about how much they cost.
When I woke up this morning, I had butterflies. I felt excited. I feltproud. I graduated with a perfect GPA. Highest in my class—and that’s without the tutors and donations that my classmates’ families contributed.
The success I’ve had was all my own.
I got a full scholarship to NYU.
They have a great social work program.
I amexcited.
Or at least I was until two minutes ago.
Now, I feel stupid for letting myself feel happy.
Because now, instead of showing up with a gloating family, cameras in hand, tears on cheeks, I’ll show up to my own highschool graduation alone in a cab. Nan is pretty much wheelchair bound now, and getting her out of her assisted living home is next to impossible. My brother couldn’t get off work, so he didn’t come into town. I won’t know where my family is in the crowd. We won’t make plans to go out afterward. My mom won’t ask for more pictures of me and my friends.
But I don’t cry.
I won’t cry.
My makeup is already done.
I’ve straightened my long locks to all get-out. And there would be no use in being sad. I wish I had a faraway college to look forward to, like my classmates do. They are getting away, gaining independence and new perspectives.
Keaton tried.
He wanted me to go with him to Stanford.
I let him convince me to at least apply. And to my own surprise, I got in. But those loans would have been killer. I would be paying back my education for the rest of my life.
So instead, I’ll stay in New York. I’ll stay with my mom. I’ll commute to my classes, and I’ll keep working at the diner.
I’ll be smart. I’ll be practical.
But sometimes, when I’m alone, I fantasize about going with him, about getting on his dad’s jet, flying out west and never looking back, about having my own adventures…and havinghim.
That’s what I’m the most scared of.
Keaton has become the most important person in my life over these last four years. And I am absolutely terrified to lose him.
I had my sexual awakening after I watched him run off the lacrosse field last spring. He tugged his helmet off over his head, shaking out his sweaty hair, and I realized then what I’d always been afraid of: I wanted my best friend.
But the problem? So does everybody else.
And the other problem? Everybody else has something else to offer: status, rich parents, a clear, significant place in the world.
