Page 84 of The Wolf and the Wildflower
“I miss you, Father,” James said gruffly. “I am damn sorry you died without seeing me again. I am sorry I will never be able to share any more of my thoughts with you. I feel like a damn fool talking to you when I know you are gone, but somehow it is you who I want to speak with, Father.”
A clap of thunder sounded through the thick forestry, and he whimsically thought perhaps his father could hear him from an afterlife.
“You’ve taught me much about honor and duty,” James continued, hearing his heartbeat in his ears. “Even lost in the icy mountains, I never forgot your lessons or love. I know I should put the family’s needs before mine. Make an offer for a lady the family approves of and have an heir, securing the future of the dukedom. Yet I cannot. Fear and loneliness once held control over me, owned my thoughts, pricked at me day and night for months…years, reminding me that I have no power of my own, that I cannot control life or death or fate, yet somehow I conquered it. I returned home, and the only thing that mattered was living in the present, fulfilling a duty, and remaining sane in the emptiness. Yet I have felt hope again…this damnable fucking hope and dream for a life that should not belong to me. I want it…I wanther. Her name is Jules Southby…and I love her. This…creature…a chameleon, a trickster…a sweet, genuine, kind, passionate enigma that has somehow taken a part of me, against my will, Father, and made it hers. I love Jules Southby…and I will not let her go even if it means relinquishing my duty, walking away from the dukedom and living with scrutiny and speculation for the rest of my days. Father…wherever you are, I hope you would understand that I do not wish to live without my Wildflower, and Imust…by God, I must make it work at all cost.”
James rose, tipped his face to the sleeting rain, and took a deep breath.You damn well own me, Wildflower. Somehow in my eyes, there is only you and I don’t want to forget anything about you…ever.
…
A couple of days had passed since Jules returned to her parents’ home from the duke’s estate, pretending as if her world had not been indelibly altered. Each day she read the paper, devouring each mention of him, bracing for the day it would be announced he had chosen his duchess. Thehaut tonalso waited with bated breath, each newssheet mention growing more outrageous by the day with their wild speculations.
Seated on the armchair near the windows, Jules curled her legs tighter and crossed her arms, hugging herself.I want to be with you James…but it is impossible.Jules closed her eyes, leaning back with her hands over her face, surrendering to the tears burning behind her lids. She was hopelessly in love with the Duke of Wulverton, and the joy she’d found being with him, Jules had never experienced the like of it and sensed she would never again.
How do I be with you James, and not lose everything?
“Yet when I think about never seeing you again, that is far more painful to contemplate than never working as a mind doctor, or donning trousers to drink a pint in a tavern,” she whispered, leaning her forehead against the cool window pane. “In your arms James, I found…”
I was free.Oh, I selfishly want it all.
Perhaps shecouldbe his duchess, and also moonlight as Jules Southby. Live a double life as his wife…and as a gentleman. Was that possible? She gave a faint, shaky laugh that turned into a harsh sob.
She’d known from the very start how foolish it had been to allow him close…to allow his kisses and his warmth to invade every inch of her body and chain her soul to his. She had known it…she had leaped…and now that she had fallen, Jules could not wrench herself from the depths of love that she had traversed.
Since their parting she had hoarded every precious memory, whispering his name in the dark night as she wept. For Jules knew that even as she craved him, he would be cutting her from his heart and memory. The duke would not allow her memory to live with him, for it had the power to hurt him. She would be a wretch to hope he would not be able to dig her free, but the selfish heart of her prayed he would never be able to forget her, for she would never be able to pry him from her thoughts or dreams. She tried to imagine a life without James in it, and it was simply impossible to envision it for a moment.
“He is a duke,” she murmured in the silence of the room. “He said he is powerful enough to make anything possible…to makeuspossible.” Jules bit into her lower lip until the flesh ached. She wanted to believe that promise with all her heart.
The door opened and she hurriedly swiped away the evidence of her torment. “Papa, I thought you had meetings for this afternoon.”
He waved a letter in her direction as he ventured farther into the small parlor. “The duchess sent word that the queen was very impressed with His Grace when he visited her at Court yesterday. England is celebrating his return and she expects an announcement soon that he will marry Lady Emelia,” her father said with a smile, folding the letter. “The duchess’s ball is next week, and she is hoping it will cement his return in full and an announcement will be made of an alliance.”
Jules parted her lips as she forced herself to breathe, forced herself to get control of the pain beating down on her.
“Jules,” her father said, impatience ringing in his voice. “Did you hear my words?”
She sighed, gathering he had been speaking to her and she had been lost to her emotions. Jules raked her fingers through her hair. “Father, I—”
“You have been out of sorts since you returned from Longbourn Park,” he said stiffly, a dark suspicion in his eyes. “This…longing you seem to have is unseemly.”
Jules stiffened, staring at him in shock. “Longing?”Is my hunger so evident for all to see and speculate?
“Do you think I would not have noticed it? Even your mother is worried and tosses in her sleep at night.” A frown pleated his brows, and he twitched in clear discomfort. “Are the feelings you own for the duke the reason you know that you have no wish to marry?”
A startled laugh jerked from her. “Father…”
Suddenly Jules could not bear to utter another falsehood. She looked away from him, toward her mother in the distance who directed a servant to set a table and chairs just so out in the gardens. A couple of guests would arrive soon, and they were meant to take a small repast outside while they conversed. As if she sensed her child’s stare, her mother glanced in their direction and gaily waved.
Jules slammed her eyes closed, blew out a sharp breath, and whirled away from her father and his words that she should return. She hurried from the parlor and walked down the hallway, pausing when a maid hastened forward, holding out an envelope.
“Mr. Southby, sir, a letter arrived for you.”
She took the letter, peering at the seal. “Thank you, Mary.”
Jules went into the small parlor and pried open the wax sealing the letter with impatient fingers. She gasped, tightening her fingers on the paper until it crinkled. It was from the duke…no…James. Jules felt as if a boulder had been lodged against her chest. She closed her eyes briefly, only feeling dull despair. Almost afraid, she read his words.
Dear Wildflower,
Exiling you from my heart is an impossible hope. More so because I do not want to. You once told me love bewitched, it healed, it was passionate, and it was what our souls longed for. At the time I thought you a fanciful fool, but I now know the truth of those words because this is the love I feel for you.
