Page 85 of The Wolf and the Wildflower
It was indeed wretched of me to ask you to give up a passion and dream that your eyes sparkle with when you speak about it. I tell myself I can live without you because I love you enough to hope only a happy, fulfilled life for you.
I deluded myself. It has only been a couple of days, but I know you will haunt me forever. You are like a thief in the night, entering my dreams and stealing my peace. I have seen the unsounded depths in your soul, and I hope you have seen mine. It is only you I love, and I am willing to live with you always in your disguise.
Her surprise was so great the letter fluttered from her hand. James was willing to live with her as a gentleman? Jules dropped to her knees and scrabbled for the letter. She hurriedly devoured the words, her heart rattling inside her body with a bewildering mix of pain, relief, and surreal joy.
Do not protest or deny my decision. It is mine and will remain unchanging. I’ve long surrendered to these emotions I own in my heart for you, and they will never be locked away again. Not by me, or you, our fears, or by society’s censure. Some might wonder that we are lovers and frown on the closeness of two gentlemen, but it will be our lives and business. We will travel together, love and live and laugh. You can be my permanent guest at my home, and in the evenings we will sleep in each other’s arms and love passionately. I do not fear society’s speculation, nor do I fear never having children of my own. My cousin will remain my heir. I do not long for a duchess and children, Wildflower. What I long for is you in my arms and by my side in this world.
Yours,
Wolfe.
P.S. I will give you three days to read this letter, cry your denial and rage and laugh, then I am coming for you.
Jules lowered the letter, a laughing sob tearing from her. Oh, James, what are you thinking?She read his letter again, her gaze lingering on“I have seen the unsounded depths in your soul, and I hope you have seen mine. It is only you I love, and I am willing to live with you always in your disguise.”
Something inside her was breaking apart, shattering, and that very something also felt as if it was being reforged. “Live with me always in disguise. Oh, James.” Jules put her hand over her mouth. She felt, absurdly, like laughing. She could feel herself shaking. Her duke was willing to endure scandal and lurid speculation for her. Society would indeed condemn him as addlepated and eccentric to live and travel with a gentleman friend always by his side while never marrying. Though James once told her he dreamed of children, legacies of his own to carry on his powerful family tradition he would eschew it all for her. Jules laughed and sobbed. She went to the windows, tugged aside the curtain, and peered at her father walking across their lawn with Matthew Crawford, another doctor he was hoping would join their team.
Jules pictured giving up this life, studying and working with her father to live with James and it felt…remarkably easy. Her breath hitched and she rested her head against the cool pane. While she could walk away from being a gentleman, striding toward a life where she live as a lady…a duchess was almost impossible to envision. The idea of being restrained petrified Jules, of allowing herself to be caged into the ideals and expectations that governed women of society. What was most painful, however, was the idea of existing in a world without James.
It is impossible.It couldn’t happen. It wouldn’t happen for she loved him.
The door opened and footsteps whispered over the parquet floor.
“My dear, your father and I are planning a small party to welcome—” Her mother jerked into stillness, her eyes widening. She closed the door and hurried over. “Jules, darling, whatever is the matter? You are crying!”
She peered at her mother through a curtain of tears.
“Please, what is it? Tell me!”
It seemed she had no choice but to provide an answer. “Jules Southby can no longer exist, Mama.”
Her mother flinched, her face paling. She sat down heavily on the sofa, her slim shoulders shaking. “You are working beside your father, Jules,” she said softly. “This is what you want, I can tell. Why are you saying this?”
She leaned over and kissed her mother’s cheek. “I am leaving it up to you how and when you tell him, but when I leave in a couple of days, Jules Southby will no longer exist.”
Her mother surged to her feet, her eyes flashing her denial. “How can you say this so casually? Have you thought of the scandal and the consequences? Have you thought of what this revelation will do to our family and…”
Her voice broke and she pressed a hand over her mouth, turning away from her daughter.
Jules stood, folding James’s letter, and tenderly tucking it away in her pocket. “There is someone who loves me beyond scandal or consequences. Someone willing to sacrifice so much to call me his own.”
Her mother spun to her. “What?”
“I have been home now for a few days, and every night I lie awake in deep despair because I know the first time I experienced true joy was when I was with him. Love bewitches, and it heals, and it is passionate, but it also so much more. Love never falters or gives up, and love sacrifices for true happiness. I cannot remain as Jules Southby, Mama, because I want to walk beside someone as their friend and lover. Even as I say this I am filled with fear because it will be immeasurably difficult, but I do not shy from the challenge, nor will I regret my choice.”
Her mother’s face crumpled. “I forbid you from doing this!”
“You would wish for me to deny my happiness to protect your heart from pain and censure?”
“You were only with the duke for a few weeks!” her mother snapped. “There is nothing you could have formed with him that is more valuable than this family.”
Jules was not angry, seeing through her mother’s anger to her fear. “So you do know it is the duke I speak about.”
“Surely you know your father would have mentioned this aberrant connection between you both,” her mother said, slashing her hand through the air.
“It is not aberrant,” she said quietly.
“I cannot be selfish, I know this, Jules, but I need more time. Perhaps a few more months.”
