Page 48 of Cross Check My Heart
“We don’t have to—”
“I want to.” I interrupt her by placing a kiss on her temple and squeezing her. Lilly leans back, placing a kiss on my cheek before settling back in my arms. Once she’s settled, I take a deep breath to brace myself.
“Sarah was my number one supporter. Her and Garrett used to bicker all the time about who was a bigger fan and would talk about my games and stats like it was a competition on who knew more.” I smirk at the thought of them going back and forth, rehashing my plays. “Sarah always won. When Garrett moved, I thought she was going to burst because she was able to rub it in his face that she was there and not him.”
Lilly lets out a quiet laugh.
“It never bugged me that she was around all the time, I was so used to her being involved in every part of my life that it seemed almost natural for her to fit right in with my team. Anyway, one of the biggest struggles the Cougars have as a team, is that the majority of them don’t get along with each other off the ice. Any time a new player joined the team, they were typically left to fend for themselves. A few of us got along and called ourselves friends, but that’s putting it too nicely. We really just hung out after a good game for a drink and picking up chicks.”
“Anyway, when we did go out together, Sarah would tag along. So, it didn’t surprise me when she told me she was going on a date with Josh, my team captain.” I bury my head back into her neck for a moment before continuing.
“Okay, that’s a lie. It did surprise me a bit. Mostly because Josh is a complete asshole and the definition of a party boy. Sarah let me say my piece and give my “big brother warnings” but then pointed out that she was a grown woman who would make her own choices. It was easier to be there for her, to tag along if I could and make sure they had a sober driver and that neither of them were around drugs.”
My eyes close, and I know that if I stop now, Lilly wouldn’t push me to keep talking.
“There was one night, after a shitty game, that Josh wanted to go out. I was tired and pissed at myself for how I played and wanted to just go home. They went without me. I told her to call me if either of them got too drunk.”
I pause, peering down at her as she rests her head back on my shoulder, watching me closely. She knows where this story is going but while there’s tears lining her eyes, there’s no pity. That’s one of the things that killed me the most during her funeral, all the pity from everyone offering their condolences. They all stared at me as if I was one breath away from losing my shit completely.
Lilly looks at me as if she sees all these broken jagged pieces and knows it doesn’t change who I am.
“I had texted her before I went to bed to see if they were okay or if they needed me to come drive them home. She said they were fine because Josh wasn’t drinking. I should have known to question that. Before they started seeing each other, whenever Josh said he wasn’t drinking, he most likely was finding other party favors.”
Closing my eyes, I clear my throat and force myself to go on.
“On the drive home, Josh didn’t even notice that the light was red. The other vehicle hit the passenger side head on and Sarah didn’t even make it to the hospital.”
Lilly turns in my lap, placing her legs on each side of my hips and wrapping herself around me. She nuzzles her face into my neck, holding me for a moment. She doesn’t apologize or ask any questions, just holds me. She’s the first one to break the silence though.
“That’s why you switched teams.” Not a question. I nod my head once.
“I tried going back to the Cougars. I took time off, but when I got to practice and saw him out on the ice, I lost it. How is it fair that the accident that killed my sister had only kept him off the ice for two weeks.” I sigh.
“It had killed me to see him healthy and alive on the ice. He tried saying something to me, which of course I didn’t want to hear, so I punched him. Then I turned around and walked right up to Coach’s office and told him I quit.”
Lilly pulls back, her eyebrows scrunched together as she asks,
“You quit?”
“Kinda. At that moment I couldn’t picture playing anymore. I told him to either transfer me or I quit. Coach Owen didn’t tell me no, instead he nodded his head, pulled my contract out and set to work helping me get out of there.”
“Have you thought about quitting since you got here?”
“No. This team is exactly what I needed. The guys genuinely care about each other. On and off the ice. They push me to be a better player and person. It’s actually helping me remember why I fell in love with the sport to begin with.”
“How long have you been playing?”
“For as long as I can remember. My dad used to take Garrett, Sarah and I to the local ice rink to let us skate and that’s when I started playing. Which came in handy when I tried out for my school teams. I ended up getting a scholarship at the University of Denver. Now, I’ve been at the pro level for three years.”
“Did Garrett or your sister ever play?” A laugh slips out before I can stop it.
“Hell no. Sarah tried a couple times back in High School, but she had absolutely no coordination on the ice. Garrett can at least hold himself up, but usually when we went to the rink, he and Sarah were better at yelling from the sidelines. We eventually had her confident enough to do laps around the rinkwithout needing to hold anyone’s hand. But her favorite thing to do was sit back and yell for me to do better.”
She smiles and it eases some of the ache in my chest. The fact that she can smile like this, after everything she has been through and is currently dealing with, makes me realize how lucky I am. Lilly is a reminder that just because I’ve been hurt, it doesn’t mean I won’t be happy again.
“You’re making it easy to remember the good memories. Talking about them isn’t what I thought it would be like. If you had asked me ten months ago to talk about Sarah, I would have stormed off. I was convinced that talking about them would hurt too much and that it wasn’t worth the hurt that followed the memories.” I reach up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.
“The pain from losing them hasn’t gone away, I don’t think that it ever will. But it’s nice to remember the good times I had with them. But most days, it’s hard to fully accept that my life is moving on, to recognize that I’m not who I used to be.”
