Page 107 of That Fake Feeling
Ifmy only intention was to please myself,I’dscoop her into my arms and lock my lips with hers like my life depended on it.
Butas much as my heart feels like it’s being repeatedly squished by a steamroller,Ihave to remember that her future is more important than mine.Shehas a vocation she needs to build into a career.
Itake a deep breath.
“It’sonly because of you thatIstill have a place in my own business, that the board isn’t going to kick me off.Youdid that.Youdedicated yourself to the most ridiculous summer job you’re ever likely to have, and you succeeded.Justlike you work hard and succeed at everything you do.”Istroke my fingers across the back of her soft, smooth hand. “I’velearned a lot from you.”
“Yeah, sure.”Shepulls away, her hand slipping from between mine, and stands up.
It’sallIcan do not to fling myself at her and grab it back.
“Sure, you can learn from the homeless, broke student because you’re such a failure.”Herfull eyes look around the room. “Nothingsays failure more than a house like this.Andthe beach house we left this morning.Andthe top-of-the-line electric car we drove in.”
Sheplants her hands on her hips and looks at me, hovering in the wasteland between being furious and upset.
“Yup.”Shesucks her lips in, then unfurls them. “Youare quite the disappointment,Connor.”
Myheart breaks to hear the frustration in her voice.Thisis exactly whyIneed to step away beforeIhurt her even more.Beingloyal to the family means working better and harder thanIever have, and, anyway, she doesn’t want anyone distracting her from becoming the best professor she can be.So, while my heart says this is all wrong, my brain rationalizes it as the best thing for both of us.
Sheturns her back and moves to the windows overlooking the yard.Hershoulders thatIkissed and licked and teased with my tongue just this morning rise and fall with deep breaths.
“Idon’t get it.”Hervoice is softer now. “Idon’t get how, on one hand, you worry about letting down your brothers and cousins, and, on the other hand, you believe you let them down all the time anyway.”
Sheturns to face me and leans back against the windowsill, the evening sunlight forming a warm aura around her. “Whenwe spoke to your parents at the house yesterday, they looked really proud of you.”
It’simpossible to explain how you can be successful but still feel like a loser.
“Theywere probably more relieved than proud,”Itell her. “Relieved, and no doubt shocked, thatImight end up with someone as amazing and smart as you.And, just like them,Ishould have known better than to think it could be true.”
Sheraises her hand toward her eyes, but she’s silhouetted against the sun, soIcan’t see her face.
“Itbreaks my heart that you find it so hard to believe in yourself,” she says, almost to herself.
Aninvisible giant hand grips my throat and squeezes.Ifshe cares about me enough to say that,Iam the luckiest man alive.Allthe more reason to make sureIdon’t ruin her future.
“Ibelieve inyou, though,”Itell her. “Ibelieve you’re going to be the best and most inspiring professor any student could be lucky enough to have.Andyou’re going to educate an army of special ed teachers who’ll give people life-changing skills.You’lldo your mom proud.”
Shesniffs and pushes herself off the sill.
“Weboth knew this would never have worked anyway, right?” she says, straightening her back. “We’reso different.Ourlives are so different.Andthe way we live them is so different.”
It’shard to tell if she’s trying to convince me or herself.
“Maybe,”Isay.Butfuck me if that isn’t one of the exciting parts of being with her. “Well, apart from the cinnamon and peanut butter thing.”
Shelets out a little laugh.
Asshe moves away from the window, her beautiful face comes back into view.Shenods, her eyes glistening, her face flushed.
Istand up to meet her and take both her hands in mine, holding them down by our sides.
“Thankyou for doing such an amazing job.Andfor turning things around for me.”Iswallow past the hand around my throat. “I’llgetSterlingto put out a statement saying the photo was a misunderstanding.AndI’llsort out the check for your full payment.”
Shelooks up at me and pauses.There’swhat might be deep sadness behind her eyes.
MaybeI’mwrong.Maybeshe doesn’t want it to be over.Maybeshe could continue her degree and do all the things she wants to do and be with me.Shelooks down, and just as my mouth opens to let out a jumble of words about how ending this would be the most terrible mistake, she looks back up at me, her expression switched to one of let’s-get-on-with-it.
“Yeah.Itwas the weirdest summer job ever.”Shereleases my hands. “ButI’mgladIdid okay and it worked out the way you wanted.”
