Page 106 of That Fake Feeling
Sure, it might have always looked likeIwas a success because the company has done so well.ButI’venever felt like a success on the inside.Tome,I’vealways been a drifter.Schoolwork came easily, soIdrifted through that.Igot into a good college on a scholarship without much effort and drifted through that.LockingLetterstook off by accident, then atMax’spushing,Iformed the business around it, and that took off by accident too.
NowIhave this lifeIdrifted into.OnewhereIrun a billion-dollar company and have restored three real estate wrecks—two for myself, one for my parents—into multi-million-dollar homes.
Butmaterial things mean nothing.Theynever have.Ihave no idea what to spend all this cash on.Ileave it to the money managers, and it sits in investments, compounding into a bigger pile of cashIstill don’t know what to do with.
AndIdon’t care.
Roseis right.AlthoughIcouldn’t see it until she pointed it out, it’s obvious now that’s whyIwas always at the bar, always at clubs, always in fleeting relationships, and always looking for meaning at the bottom of a bottle of bourbon.
Iwas never going to find it there.Iwas looking in the wrong place.
ButI’vefound it now.AndI’mlooking right at it.
Sittingjust feet away is the personIaccidentally knocked into a tomato patch and who’s now accidentally in my life—andsheis my meaning.
And, oh, the joy she’s brought me withTheLearningVillageand how she’s inspired me to start drawing again.She’schanged me.ButifIcan’t have her, the leastIcan do is carry those things with me into a better future.
Istumbled into her, just likeIstumbled into everything else.
AndIdon’t deserve her, just likeIdon’t deserve any of the other stuff.
But, holy fuck,Iwant to become the man who deserves her.Andthere’s a chanceIcan.Rose’sdedication to her mission to change people’s lives is the best exampleIcould ever wish to follow.Forthe first time in my life,Ican make an intentional change and be successful at it.
Myheart beats a rapid tempo asImove closer, take one of her hands, and pull it into my lap.
Sheplaces her other hand on top, sandwiching mine between hers.It’sa small, but intimate, gesture that warms my insides and lifts my hopes.
“WhatIwant to do”—she pauses, swallows—“depends on what you want to do.”
There’sa hint of desperation in her eyes, like she wants to run far away.Andrunning would be completely understandable.
She’sbeen so clear that she can’t have a man in her life while she completes her education.Couldnot have been clearer.AndIcan’t be the selfish bastard who risks jeopardizing the career she’s had her heart set on for years.
Thewhole point is that she’s shown me how to not be that selfish bastard any more.
Shegives my hand a little squeeze. “So, you go first.”
Mystomach feels like it’s filling with concrete, the rapidly setting kind.Now’sthe time for me to step up, for me to be the bigger person for once in my fucking life.Todo the right thing for someone other than myself.
“Ihave a meeting with the board tomorrow.They’regoing to vote to keep me.”
Shedigs her teeth into her top lip and casts her eyes down at our fingers that are now twined together, like we’re both clinging to the final moments.
“So, you want to do whatMaxsaid?”Shefurrows her brow like she’s in pain. “Youwant to throw yourself into the business?Thebusiness you hate?”
Fuck, no.Ofcourse,Idon’t want to do that.Iwant to wake up next to her every morning and eat dinner with her every evening.Iwant us to stroll aroundRiversideParkand around new countries as we explore the world together.Iwant to be the person she turns to when she needs to talk things through when she has a problem.AndIwant to be her biggest cheerleader for all the successes that lie in her future.
Butnone of the thingsIwant fit with her plan.AndI’dnever forgive myself if she didn’t achieve all the things she wants to achieve because of me.
SoIhave no choice.
IfIcan’t haveRose, the leastIcan do is embrace the lessons she’s taught me.
There’snothing to do but pull up my big boy pants and start being someone my family can be proud of.Someonewho not only has a wildly successful business, but who runs it professionally.Someonewho doesn’t piss his life away because he didn’t get what he wanted.
Rosecloses her eyes and braces herself like she’s terrified of heights and sitting at the highest point of a roller coaster. “Andyou’re going to do it because you think it’s the only thing that makes your parents proud?Andbecause ofMax’spact?”
Sheshakes her head, her expression changing from frustration to sadness. “Yourwhole life has been about trying to please your family.Whendo you get to pleaseyou?”
