Page 101 of Burdens
So instead, I’d put off clearing and selling this place for so long because it had always felt like the last remaining tether to my mother.
But I’d realized over the last three weeks that my mother would always be wherever I was.
Grief would always be my silent companion, a constant reminder of my mother’s loss, but despite the process not being linear, my father’s death had snuffed so many of my inner demons that it felt easier to take this task on.
And I had Amalia with me.
I’d realized that needing someone by your side didn’t equate to weakness like my father had reminded me of so many times. It just meant that you didn’t have to face life’s hardships alone when the person you loved wanted to do it with you, to support you through every step.
Amalia had made so many things more bearable, no matter how hard they’d come to be.
She was my solace, my peace.
After leaving theriad, I’d decided to drive all night back to my apartment in Bemes because I hadn’t wanted to spend another second in the town where so many of my painful memories coated the air.
I’d known there were many things I’d need to unpack in therapy, but I’d spent the entire drive coming to terms that my father was dead, that I’d ended his life.
But I also realized that breathing had become easier, my thoughts were now freer, and that I didn’t have to lie anymore.
We’d gotten there early the next morning and after a much-needed long shower, both Amalia and I had immediately collapsed into bed from the exhaustion.
We’d spent the rest of that week sleeping, eating, being with each other, and getting our story straight for the Bureau since we’d had a meeting with the Director the following Monday.
Amalia and I had decided to keep the details vague and only tell Director Williams what he’d need to know.
We’d informed him that Barrera had been terminated by a rival and assured him that the newRai’swouldn’t be an issue, omitting any of our personal ties to Nassim and Barrera from the report.
Although Williams had asked us for more information, we’d told him that we’d both suffered enough and didn’t want to relive the details again. Fortunately for us, both of our track records were impeccable so he hadn’t pressed further.
Following our post-operation review, we’d been granted the few weeks of leave we’d each requested. We both loved our jobs, but after everything that had happened, our desire for a future at the Bureau wasn’t as evident as it used to be.
I’d spent so much of my life working that I hadn’t actually lived. And I was tired of doing that. I didn’t really know who I was aside from being Agent Brown or Uncle Noah, but I wanted to give myself a chance.
No matter how fucking old I was now.
Amalia was grappling with a similar dilemma and although she hadn’t decided yet what her decision would be, I’d support whatever she’d end up choosing.
Instead, she’d been focused on mending the bridge in her relationship with her siblings. Prior to coming to the small town where my mother had lived, we’d driven to Sibaya, where I’d dropped her off at her older sister Antonia’s house.
I’d offered to go in with her, but she’d asked if I could wait for her in the car.
Amalia’s sister had initially slammed the door in her face when she’d figured out who had been at her doorstep. However, after a few more tries, Antonia had relented and let Amalia in.
Nearly an hour later, another car had pulled up into Antonia’s driveaway. A man around Jamal’s age who lookedlike a carbon copy of Amalia, whom I’d assumed was her little brother Ángel, walked out and headed inside the house.
I’d anxiously waited for what felt like hours, praying to whoever was out there that she’d come out with anything other than the scared look she’d gone in with.
And she had. She hadn’t necessarily had a smile on her face, but when she’d approached where I’d been parked on the other side of the street, I’d sensed that the weight she’d carried going in had been lifted off her shoulders.
Once she’d settled into her seat, she’d begun recounting everything that had transpired while I’d started our drive here.
Her siblings were still furious with her, but they’d been willing to hear her out and to give her a chance because I’d learned through all of this that that’s what a real family was about.
I might not have grown with much of one, but I’d found one along the way within Jamal and Amalia.
I looked over at Amalia who was standing next to me, finding her quietly watching over me. She gave me a small encouraging smile and laced her fingers with mine.
“You ready to do this?” she asked, giving my hand a small squeeze of support.
