Page 69 of Burdens
“And somehow you couldn’t say goodbye or give me the decency of an explanation.”
I took a deep breath, ignoring the ache in my chest. “When my mother died, I was lost and I just…”
“You just what? You could sleep with me, make me fall in love with you, but you couldn’t tell me you lost the most important person in your life and needed some time to process.”
“I didn’t know how,” I said truthfully. “I loved you. I still?—”
She cut me off, her eyes blazing. “Don’t you dare say you love me. When you love someone, you stay. Youtalk. You don’t just vanish into thin air and break them, leaving them to pick up the pieces of a messyouleft behind. You know what, I’d thought so long about what I would say to you if I ever saw you again, and now I realize I don’t want to talk.”
“Amalia, please,” I said, pleading. My fingers reached to grasp her wrist again.
“Just let me go, Noah,” she said in a near whisper, her voice trembling with emotion she was trying to conceal as she pulled her hand away. She shook her head, her features morphing into anguish as if the more I spoke, the more hurt I was causing her. “We’re over. We’ve been over for the last ten years.”
Her words lit a fire inside me, making it burn even brighter in my resolve. “I fucked up, but we are not over. We wereneverover. How could I ever get over you?”
She opened her mouth, but I held up a hand, silently asking her to let me finish.
“I never thought I was worthy of love.” My words were barely audible as if they’d been dragged from my throat, but I pushed against the ache in my chest and continued.
“My mom always tried her best to show me that she loved me, but deep inside, there was this voice, this nagging feeling that she only did it because she was trying to undo everything my father did to me, to erase in her own way how he made me feel and the stain he left on my heart.”
I paused for a moment, my heart thundering as I realized how close we were now standing. Her back was now to the wall, her eyes flickering between mine, a conflicting ocean of emotions swarming in hers.
But she didn’t move, which meant there was a chance she’d let me back in. If she was over me, if she truly believed we were over, she wouldn’t let me stop her from leaving.
I leaned my head down, slowly enough so as to not startle her, and pressed my forehead against hers. Her breath hitched as I stared into her eyes, noting that buried deep under her hard exterior, what I’d done weighed on her.
“You breathed life back into me, Amalia.Youshowed me that I don’t have to be or do anything to be loved. That I can just exist and be loved. That’s what you did for me, what you’ve shown me, what you’vealwaysshown me. I was just too fucking stupid, too hurt to see it before, so I ran away.
“I ran because that’s all I knew how to do, but I don’t want to run anymore. I want to stay and love you.” My fingertips grazed her wrist. “I made mistakes and I regret hurting you, but I would go through it all again if it means me ending up here telling you that I love you.”
“Noah,” she whispered, her eyes drifting closed.
The air between us grew heavy, time passing at a snail’s speed as I waited.
Fuck waiting.
I hovered my lips a mere inch away from her mouth. “I love you, Amalia,” I murmured before dropping my lips in a whispered kiss over her jaw. Her throat bobbed down with a swallow, but she kept her eyes closed.
I moved down to her neck. “Baby, I always have,” I mumbled against the skin right below her ear before pressing my lips there too.
Her arm rose to settle on my stomach and I held my breath, afraid she’d push me away. But she merely just left it there as if to brace herself.
“And always will.” My mouth hovered down to her collarbone. “Come back to me,” I muttered against her now blazing skin before dropping another featherlight kiss there.
Her breath quickened when I bent my legs and pressed another one at the top of her breasts. Then I placed my mouth on the skin between her breasts. I kept my eyes on her to study her reactions as my fingers lightly touched her on her waist to steady myself as I kept making my way down.
I dragged my lips down the front of her top until I reached the hem of her shirt that had slightly ridden up. I held her hips more firmly this time and her hand dropped to my shoulder.
I looked up at her just as her eyes fluttered open to find me on my knees. My breath fanned across the skin right below her navel.
“Forgive me,” I said against her skin before moving slightly down and hovering over her front.
“Amalia,” I whispered against the fabric of her pants. “Please let me earn your forgiveness.”
Every part of me screamed to move, to grab her and kiss her and remind her of who we were together. But this was her call and I’d take her however she wanted. I just needed her to say yes, to let me absolve myself from the hurt I’d caused her.
Please,I said over and over again in my head, hoping the message was being conveyed in the way I looked at her.
