Page 72 of Rebound
She laughs and sits down beside me, her knees pulled to her chest. Our shoulders brush as I set the muffin-filled napkin on my lap and break one in half. She takes it without hesitation and we eat our treat in silence. Maybe this is why our relationship works—we know each other well, we don’t force our way into each other’s lives and the silence is always comfortable. We’ve grown up a lot since the first time we met at camp and I know, without a doubt, that I’m completely in love with her. I wonder if she knows that.
“Is there something on my face or am I distracting you from being alone?” she asks, eyes fixed ahead of her.
“I love you,” I say softly and her attention snaps to me so fast I’m sure there’s a crick in her neck.
“What?”
A blush coats my cheek as I wipe crumbs off the sides of her mouth. “I love you. Or at least that’s what I think this feeling is.”
She looks so confused as she asks, “What is the feeling?”
“I always want to smile around you. My heart does this funny thing where it sometimes stops and starts again. I miss you when you’re not around. I think about you when we’re apart. I dream about you all the time.”
“That’s how I feel too,” she admits, her eyes wide as we stare at each other.
I don’t really know what love is, but I’ve heard my parents say it often. Amma says it to me and it feels like soda fizzing in my chest. Whatever the feeling is, I have it when I’m around Tamara too.
“Then you love me.”
She giggles and I add the sound to my list of things I love about her.
“I guess I do.”
My responding smile hurts my cheeks, but it feels good. We lean in, meeting halfway as our lips touch. We’re still learning the logistics of kissing, but somehow this is good enough.
Now
The past few days have been quite emotional, but in a good way. Knowing Tamara doesn’t hate me or isn’t plotting my murder makes a huge difference. I can’t believe we spent twenty-something years not knowing about the mess we’d made. While a lot of it is on me for not getting in touch with Tamara—even if at the time I couldn’t comprehend how—we now know we’re both at fault for the animosity the last few months.
I’ve also been thinking about our camp days a lot more of late. The sneaking around before one of the counsellors found out about our relationship, the kissing behind the shed, the day we first admitted our feelings—the memories are perfectly preserved in my mind. We’re going to make new ones, but I could never forget those. Despite all of the shit that came after, those few years together were some of our best and holding onto them is important.
This week, I’ve been at Sunrise Niketan while the contractor goes over the sports ground and draws up plans. Ganesh and Kaveri have been there every step of the way, asking questions and answering the ones I have. Nihal and I want to get this one up and running before the end of the year, especially with the LHT tournament starting at the end of December. While he can be here to oversee the work, I want to have my hand in the pie as much as possible.
It’s been exhausting, though. My mornings are at the school and my evenings are dedicated to training. The team is getting their shit together, especially after our big conversation recently. My mood’s improved, which helps them and they’re not playing like amateurs, which makes my job easier. I question if we can do this while watching game tape from the other teams. Getting a bunch of guys to play like a team in two months is not easy and there’s only so much pushing you can do before one of them snaps. So finding the balance has been a bit of a challenge, but I’m not a quitter and neither are they.
After another gruelling training session, I get home to an empty flat. I thought Tamara was staying at work late to avoid me, but it’s become pretty clear she’s got too much work on her plate. Or she’s working herself to the bone. It worries me that she’s pushing herself too hard. We haven’t talked about the nursery or her maternity leave since we’ve been locking horns on everything else, but that ends today. We need to figure out what the next few weeks are going to be like so we have some kind of a plan in place.
How late are you going to be?
Lotus
I dunno. Why?
It’s 8pm, Lo. Have you eaten dinner?
Lotus
Ugh, I lost track of time.
I can hear you grinding your teeth from all the way over here, so relax. I’m leaving in the next 20 minutes.
I flex my jaw. Of course I was grinding and gritting my teeth. Blowing out a slow breath so I don’t freak out, I take my time typing out my reply.
We really need to talk about your working hours.
Lotus
We really don’t.
