Page 40 of From the Ashes
“Would you like to watch a movie with me…? We won't have the time to watch it all, but maybe we can start one and finish it next time?”Next time. I don’t want him to leave. I want us to keep on talking or just share silence together. I want him to stay here, next to me, like a sort of talisman, making my heart fuller and my mind calmer.
“Yeah, I’d like that,” he says, stroking my arm as he slowly steps back, looking at me with a surprising warmth I hadn’t seen coming.
I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself after flying too close to heaven, then circle around him toward the sofa. He follows me with our mugs in both hands. He seems so, so…normal here. My heart quickens at the sight, as if I’d just remembered that a predator was roaming through my home, when he was never meant to leave the wild. Carter isn’t the average guy. He is a member of an MC club. A gang. An organized crime ring. There’s no point denying it.
I should be terrified.
I really should.
Even knowing about his past, about his true nature, I know I should be scared. That's the logical path to take, but it just doesn’t work for me. I’ve been through the worst from the bestman I thought I knew. And now the most unhinged, dark, and twisted man is my only oblivion, but I know in my bones he would never hurt me. I have more certainty about this than about the Earth being round. Ben always had this sneaky feel about him. Carter’s different, direct, unapologetically strange, and still, I only want him. If only he had hurt a woman or a child, then I would have stopped this right away. But his world is his own, with different rules than the ones I was accustomed to. I’d trust him with my life and my son’s. So fear isn’t it.
The only thing terrifying me is that even knowing it all, my heart is beating for him. I’m finally trusting someone, learning to open up again. Perhaps I need to accept that light can bloom from the darkest place. And maybe, Carter is the darkness that’s necessary for me to find my way back to myself.
I’m falling for him. I just know it. Like you know when you're about to be sick after walking without a coat on. You just know, even if it’s early. Even if no words had been said out loud. Carter is holding my heart in his hands, and I have the feeling that I’m holding his as well. We’re two people doomed by life, forced to rise from the ashes and still, no amount of trauma, past, and baggage can tame the light we’re creating. I sit on the sofa, my legs snug under me, and pat my side because Carter is still standing next to it after putting the mugs down on the table.
“I never watch movies with people,” he says abruptly.
“Why?”
He winces. “I never thought about sharing that with anyone.” He sits next to me, his thigh brushing mine. He doesn't grab my leg or kiss me passionately; he doesn't even try to flirt or push me for more. As if he knew the step we had taken was already monumental. Earth-shattering. A no way back kind of moment. Perhaps he’s processing it as well as me.
“Well, I'm glad we both like movies then.” I smile, my hand hesitantly playing with his fingers, testing the waters. He inhalesdeeply and sits back on the sofa slowly, his fingers lacing with mine until he takes control of it and lets his thumbs stroke the back of my hand. “I was thinking about this one,” I tell him, pointing at the screen where a man and a woman are walking in New-York City. A 2000s classic I enjoy watching once a year.
“What’s it about?”
“She’s a journalist writing an article on this guy who’s like a love doctor, a coach helping men land dates with women way out of their league. It’s really funny.”
“Sounds great, yeah.”
“Great,” I echo, pressing play and settling back on the sofa. As I do, I discreetly grab my phone and reply to Ben’s text.
Lana
I'm not home. Don't show up.
A little lie. I don’t have it in me to call him and confront his stubbornness to come back here again. But I don’t want him here. Especially now. I’ve never stood up to him, so even a lie feels like a small step in the right direction, one that edges him further out of my life. Maybe one day I’ll find the courage to get the closure I need. But for now, a lie is all I have the mental strength to offer.
“You okay?”
“Yes, I just remembered I forgot to take care of something.”
“If there's anything I can help with, just tell me and I'll do it.”
“Thank you,” I tell him, blushing at the sight of this kind man looking at me like I'm holding the moon in my hands. I had no certitude that I'd ever fully move on from my past, but this, us, in my living room with coffee and a movie, feels like a step. One little step I have finally taken from the dark path I was on. The mud and the blood will still cover my body, but it will dry, andeventually, one day, the crumbs of it will fall, and I'll get to my final destination.
Maybe one day.
It’s all up to me. I know I have all the cards in hand to move on, but life isn’t a rom-com with a certified happy ending, and I’m not a perfect character made out of a screenplay. I have triggers, wounds, and memories haunting me at night. It’s all still in there.
After an hour of watching the movie like he’s always belonged here, the soft chime of my alarm reminds me it’s time to pick up Noah. Carter rises, a spark in his eyes I haven’t seen before as he scans me. He grabs his cut, digging into the inner pocket, while I stand there fidgeting like a fourteen-year-old, wondering if he’ll kiss me again before he leaves.
“Here, for your son,” he says as he gives me a bag of Skittles. My lips part in response. He thought about Noah.
“Thank you, you didn’t have to. It's really nice, he loves Skittles even if he’s only allowed a handful.”
“Good,” he nods, “I took some for a friend too.”
“A friend?”
