Page 14 of Behind the Painting
‘I’ll try. But I don’t think it will be any use.’
‘We should never have met,’ Mom Ratchawong Kirati said wistfully, more to herself than me. ‘Our beginning was sowonderful. But in the end, that beginning brought us to this torture.’
‘Is it torture for you, too?’
‘I’m tormented by my pity for you. I feel sorry because you’ve been too honest with me.’
‘I think honesty is an important part of true love,’ I said, a little defiantly.
Mom Ratchawong Kirati composed herself. ‘If I’d done something to displease you at the outset,’ she continued quite normally, ‘things wouldn’t be this way.’
‘But I’m perfectly happy with the way things are now. No matter how much pain love may cause us, it’s a wonderful blessing in life, as you yourself said. I’m not wrong, am I, in thinking that you love me the same way I love you, with all my heart and soul?’
‘Believe me, please, Nopporn, you must try to control your feelings.’
Ultimately, I received no clear answer from her lips while we were together at Atami.
We stayed at the Osaka Hotel for two days. Mom Ratchawong Kirati and I scarcely had a chance to make our farewells alone. Early the following morning, the day we were to travel to Kobe, Mom Ratchawong Kirati knocked on the door of my room. When I opened the door, she seemed surprised to see me already dressed, in a blue woollen suit with waistcoat and tie, rather than my night clothes.
‘I didn’t think you’d be up yet because we were late getting to bed last night. Why are you all dressed up and ready to go? We’re not leaving before nine o’clock.’
‘I know. But I couldn’t sleep, so I got up and got dressed. And in a minute, I think I’ll go downstairs, because I feel I need to get out.’
‘It’s cooler today than it was and there’s a thick fog. I hope you’re not going outside now.’
‘No, I’m not, now.’ I closed the door and went and sat down on the chair in front of the desk, which stood near the bed. Mom Ratchawong Kirati sat down on the edge of the bed. I was overjoyed to see her, even though I was a little puzzled as to why she wanted to see me at such an early hour.
Sitting facing Mom Ratchawong Kirati that morning, our last before we were to be parted, my heart pounded violently. I sat there feeling sad, trying to remain composed. Mom Ratchawong Kirati did not utter a word. Thirty seconds passed in silence. Finally, she spoke. ‘We’re leaving Osaka between half past nine and ten o’clock. We’ll have lunch at Kobe, at the invitation of a Thai friend there. The boat sails at two o’clock.’
At the last sentence, my heart missed a beat.
‘Once we get to Kobe, we’re sure to get completely caught up in saying goodbyes. We won’t get another chance to be alone,’ she added in the same measured tone. She paused for a moment. A lump rose in my throat. I avoided her eyes and blinked several times. ‘I thought you’d want at least ten minutes, for us to say our own personal farewells, so that’s why I came to see you so early.’ Her voice was composed, leaving me completely overwhelmed.
‘That’s what I wanted so much. I’m so grateful to you, for giving me this opportunity,’ I said, and then fell silent.
‘You must get down to your studies so that you can fulfil your ambitions. When I’m in Thailand I’ll pray for you.’
‘Please think of me all the time. Please understand me and the love I feel for you.’
‘I promise. Is there anything else, Nopporn?’
‘I have a million more words to say, but time is short. I’d like to choose just a hundred that would make you understand that full million, but I can’t find the right ones.’
‘Just say what you can. The rest I’ll read in your eyes.’
My eyes met hers, and I felt a growing sense of melancholy. ‘Go ahead and read, then. I still don’t know what to say.’
We gazed into each other’s eyes for a while. Finally, Mom Ratchawong Kirati got up and came and stood by my side. She placed her hand on my shoulder. ‘My dear, please, for the last time,’ she entreated me, ‘take my advice. You left your home and country and came to Japan to study, not to love me. Keep your goal clearly in mind and stick to it. Forget what has been between us over the last two months or so. Think of it as a dream.’
I took hold of her hand and stroked it gently. ‘This is real flesh and blood. This is really you. It’s certainly no image, nor shadow in a dream. How am I supposed to think of it as a dream? I love this flesh and blood so desperately.’
Slowly, Mom Ratchawong Kirati withdrew her hand and looked away. ‘Chao Khun may wake up soon. In a minute I must get back to my room. Our time is almost up, my dear.’
I stood up. ‘Do you love me?’ I asked, my voice scarcely more than a whisper.
‘I’m your dearest friend,’ Mom Ratchawong Kirati replied, as she took off her silk scarf and handed it to me. ‘Please take this to remind you of me.’ She held her hand out for me to touch. I could scarcely contain my sadness, and tears welled up in my eyes. I raised her hand and kissed it. She did not protest.
Mom Ratchawong Kirati lowered her head and was silent for a moment. ‘I must go back to my room,’ she said. ‘We’ll meet again in the dining room. Please keep your feelings under control.’ Then she looked me straight in the eye before turning and walking slowly towards the door.
