Page 51 of The Perfect Son
“So why don’t you?” I force myself to ask. My voice is shaky. I push the locket back to Shelley. I can’t look anymore.
“Maybe one day,” Shelley says. “That’s what I keep telling myself. I’m still young enough.”
A silence falls between us and I try to find the words to fill it but I can’t.
“I’m sorry,” Shelley says then. “I’m being insensitive. With everything you’re going through, I shouldn’t be talking about my marriage and wanting a child.” The locket clicks shut in her hands and she fastens it at the back of her neck.
“It’s OK,” I say, although I’m not sure it is. Dylan’s face floats in my thoughts. “I’m glad we have each other to talk to.”
“What about you?” Shelley asks. “You didn’t fancy more kids?”
The pain is instant and cuts deep into my chest, and suddenly Dylan is forgotten. “I did. We both did. I was so desperate for Jamie to have a little brother or sister, but it just never happened. It’s one of those stupid things. I fell pregnant with Jamie instantly, but then when we actually tried, it never happened. I took it hard and blamed myself. We’d just decided to try IVF when Mark’s mum died and we decided to move first. I was going to mention it again on my birthday...” My voice trails off.
Shelley lifts the tray of melting ice cream away and slides it to the other side of the sofa, budging closer to me until our shoulders are touching and I can feel the warmth of her body against my own. We watch the rest of the film in companionable silence.
—
“It’s really coming down out there,” Shelley says, stretching her arms up and arching her back as her words trail into a long yawn.
I blink and realize the end credits are rolling up the screen. I have the strange sensation of waking up from a doze, except I wasn’t asleep. I glance at the window and watch raindrops trickling down the black glass in long snail lines. Every few moments a gust of wind rattles the glass inside the rotting window frame, blasting a spattering spray of raindrops against the pane and making me wish I hadn’t been quite so hasty in ripping down the moldy curtains on moving day.
“I’d better go,” Shelley says. “Tim will be starting to worry.” She reaches for her phone and scrolls down the screen. “Or not,” she mutters. “He’s just texted me to say he’s had a few too many drinks and isstaying at the hotel by the golf club.” There’s a bitterness to Shelley’s voice that I’ve never heard before.
I’m about to ask Shelley if she’s all right but she gets there first. “Do you mind if I make us hot chocolates before I go? I could do with the sugar before driving in the dark.” Shelley stifles another yawn as she stands and rubs her hands over her arms with a shiver. “I didn’t realize how cold I was getting.”
Shelley’s yawn is catching. It sweeps over me and I feel the weight of exhaustion pulling me down. I’m desperate to crawl upstairs and drop into bed while I still have enough energy to move, but after all Shelley has done for us I can’t say no.
“Sounds good,” I say. “But let me do it.”
“No, I’ll go. You sit for a minute. You look beat.”
I am beat,I think, slumping my head against the sofa.
Do you think I’ll ever laugh properly again, Mark?
Of course you will, Tessie. You love to laugh.
I loved how you made me laugh. Nothing made me laugh like you did. And now you’re gone. The film was funny, proper laugh-out-loud funny, but I barely mustered a smile. Right now, I can’t imagine ever laughing again.
You will. Just give it time.
Shelley returns with two steaming mugs. She’s fetched her bag from the kitchen and drops it down beside her feet as she slides onto the sofa and hands me the lion mug you bought me from the zoo that time.“It reminds me of you,”you laughed, nodding at my curls. I can hear your laughter in my head. I miss your laugh. I hug the mug of hot chocolate closer to my body, feeling cold to my core. I wonder what animal you’d choose if you could see me now.
“Tess, can I ask a favor?” Shelley says, blowing on her mug.
“Of course.”
“Would you mind if I stayed on your sofa again? I wouldn’t normally ask but I’m shattered and don’t fancy driving back to Ipswich in that.” Shelley nods to the window and the spatter of rain filling the silence.
“Oh... of course. I didn’t realize how late it was getting. I shouldn’t have kept you. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. It was my idea to watch the film. I think I needed a girly evening more than you did.” She looks at me and I feel a pinprick of warmth inside me. I’ve missed having someone to spend my evenings with. Even if it is just one. “Tim and I haven’t been getting on too well lately, which I guess is why he’s staying at the golf club tonight. Every time we see each other we seem to argue. I don’t fancy going home to an empty house. But if it’s a problem—”
“No, of course it’s not,” I say. “I can unearth the spare bed from the boxes in one of the upstairs rooms.”
“Oh, no, don’t do that. Your sofa is perfectly fine; better than fine, in fact. Staying will save me part of my journey to the pool in the morning too. Thank you.”
“Anytime. It’s the least I can do,” I say, glad Shelley is happy on the sofa. The thought of clearing space in one of the bedrooms makes my muscles ache, but I will do it soon. Maybe tomorrow, just not now, not tonight when I feel so tired. “I’ll get some pillows and a blanket.”
