Page 53 of The Perfect Son
She signs off with a kiss and an emoji of a grinning face with laughter tears sprouting from its eyes.
So it was a dream,I realize with a sigh of relief. I sleepwalked and dreamed the whole thing. I haven’t done that since I was a child and my mum would tell me in the morning how she’d found me in the kitchen in my nightie. I wonder if it’s the grief dredging up the old habit, or a side effect of the antidepressants.
—
The dopiness lingers all day, but at least the medication seems to be kicking in. Despite the strange headiness, I feel OK. I’ll take feeling dizzy over the deep pit of despair I was living in yesterday. The pit isn’t gone. It is still there, lingering on the outskirts of my thoughts as if I might lose my balance at any moment and fall back into the darkness, but right now I’m in the light.
Jamie is so quiet after school today, and more and more I wonder what he’s thinking. I ask, of course, in every way I can think of. “How was your day? Are you OK? Is anything bothering you? What are you thinking about? Are you missing Daddy a lot?”
The answer is the same each time—a moping shrug accompanied with a sad sort of smile and a glance over his shoulder as if he can’t wait to be somewhere else, anywhere else but with me.
He shut himself away in his room the minute we were home from school, and I find myself making excuses to go upstairs and walk past his closed door again and again. I guess I’m listening for crying, but it’s not tears I hear coming from behind the closed door now, it’s humming. A soft little tune that makes my feet stop dead and my mouth run dry. I hold my breath listening to the tune, willing myself to be wrong. Shivers travel in waves over my body. I’m not wrong.
I know that tune.
I remember the words too. I heard them last night.“Your mumma loves you, oh yes I do.”
How does Jamie know the tune if it was just a dream?
I think of the hot chocolate Shelley gave me, the one she insisted on making. Did she slip something into it? A sleeping pill to knock me out? I try to remember if it tasted any different, but I can’t. My memory of yesterday is patchy. Why did Shelley come over? Did I invite her? A scream swirls in my throat. I don’t remember. I don’t remember Jamie sitting with us. I don’t remember putting him to bed. The only image in my mind is Shelley and the cold hateful eyes that turned on me.
That night I stare at the pages of my notebook, searching for the answer that I can feel is there. What am I not seeing?
I add several lines:Jamie is more quiet than usual.
Found Shelley in Jamie’s room in the middle of the night. She was singing to Jamie. Why?
Guilt pricks my insides rereading my own words. After everything Shelley has done for me I shouldn’t be questioningwhyShelley was in Jamie’s room. I should be askingifshe was in Jamie’s room. Right now I trust Shelley more than my own memories.
I see the photo of Dylan in my mind and try to imagine the helplessness she must have felt watching him lose his fight with cancer. My throat aches thinking of her loss. Four years on and she seems so strong. Will I feel that strong in four years’ time? Will I have found a way to cope without you, Mark?
Of course you will, Tessie baby.
I can’t see how.
I stare at the final lines on the page before crossing them out, running the pen back and forth until the ink is shiny and the paper worn.
CHAPTER 31
IAN
The whole thing was weird. This woman appearing out of nowhere and inserting herself into Tess’s life. You really have to ask yourself why someone would do that.
SHELLEY
It was about a week later when I ended up staying the night again. There was a horrible storm. It hadn’t stopped raining all evening. I knew the lanes out of the village would be flooded and I didn’t want to drive home, so I stayed. Tess was fine with it and she’d been really down that day too. I thought it would help to have someone else there. I woke in the middle of the night feeling a bit spooked by the old house, so yes, I went upstairs to check that everything was all right. I don’t know why, but I went into Jamie’s room and sat on his bed for a while. It was amistake, but that photo—the fridge magnet—Jamie looked so much like Dylan in that photo. I felt connected to him. I heard Tess on the landing. She was sleepwalking, so I put her back to bed.
CHAPTER 32
Transcript BETWEEN ELLIOT SADLER (ES) AND TERESA CLARKE (TC) (INPATIENT AT OAKLANDS HOSPITAL, HARTFIELD WARD), WEDNESDAY, APRIL 11. SESSION 2 (Cont.)
ES: Are you happy to continue now, Tess?
TC: Of course. It wasn’t me who wanted a break in the first place. Is there any news? Have you found Jamie? What has Shelley said? Did she tell you she had a child who died? A little boy. He’d have been Jamie’s age now.
ES: Someone will be bringing in your notebook shortly. Why don’t we start now with Mark’s plane crash. Can you tell me why he was going to Frankfurt?
TC: Why does that matter? You’re here to find Jamie. The plane crash has nothing to do with it.
