Page 43 of The Shape of Your Heart
‘Yes, but…’ Freya looks uncertain.
‘No one needs a man who lets them down,’ Tanith says quietly, but firmly.
An hour or so later, Joey and Freya make their excuses, leaving me and Tanith alone.
‘What did you think?’ she asks.
I finish the last of my wine. ‘That you are an awesome if slightly random bereavement counsellor – and that everyone really does have a different story.’
‘Ha! You could say. I was a bit worried that Freya would bring us down. But she was OK. Hearing Joey’s story might even have done her good.’
I shake my head. ‘The trouble with Freya is she’s a widow rather than a woman – at least, that’s how she seems to see herself.’
‘Very astute.’ Tanith drains her glass. ‘She truly is a woman defined by her past.’
‘I’ve been one of those for over a year,’ I tell her soberly.
Tanith looks sympathetic. ‘It’s hardly surprising. It’s massive, isn’t it? Losing someone you love? All that time passes when you can’t think about anything else.’
‘Until somehow you stop feeling guilty about wanting to be happy again.’
‘But you’re not stuck, are you?’ Tanith asks. ‘Not like Freya is?’
‘No.’ Shaking my head, it’s a revelation to realise I’m not.
‘Listen to us.’ Tanith rolls her eyes. ‘Fancy another one?’
Over another glass of wine, I have a question for Tanith. ‘So, since he died… has there been anyone else?’
She shakes her head. ‘Other than a quick shag with an ex, no one. You?’
I decide to tell her about Nathan. ‘I have kind of met someone – just recently. But it’s too soon. I got scared off. I thought I saw him with someone else – who turned out to be his sister, but it brought back that horrible feeling of not knowing where I stood. All I knew was I couldn’t go through losing anyone again.’ I hesitate. ‘We’re friends, though.’
‘Friends is good.’ Tanith looks confused. ‘Maybe it is too soon. But if you like him… maybe you need to get braver.’
‘Braver?’ I shrug, thinking of what Nathan said:you are brave, you know; mentally, I add it to my grief vocabulary. ‘I’ll figure it out. Eventually.’
‘A word of advice. Whether it’s too soon or not, everyone’s going to have an opinion on the next person you meet – not that it’s any of their business.’ Tanith becomes more serious. ‘You and I, we have a lot of life left – hopefully. We both know how nice it is when you think you’ve found the right man to share it with – even if mine did turn out to be an utter scumbag.’ She rolls her eyes. ‘I have terrible judgement. But if you really do like this guy, I wouldn’t leave it too long.’
* * *
Her words stay with me as I drive home that night. I might be stronger, but mostly, I don’t feel brave. And while I know I’ve confused Nathan. I’ve confused myself. But when so much is about timing, friends is fine. For now, it doesn’t feel right being more than that.
The next morning Sasha comes over. ‘Rita’s taken Mum to the hospital.’
‘That’s nice of her. Dad’s doing really well, isn’t he?’
‘Thank goodness.’ Relief washes over her face. ‘I’ve been so worried about him.’
‘I think we all have.’
We take our cups of coffee into the garden.
‘We’re lucky aren’t we – Alice being a cardiologist. She’s so good at explaining everything.’ I frown. ‘But when it comes to hearts…’ Sitting down, I try to explain about Nathan. ‘It isn’t about him. He’s a really nice guy, Sash. When I met him, I felt like I was being disloyal to Liam. But when I saw him again, we just got along so easily.’
‘This is the gardening guy?’ Sasha sits opposite me. ‘So what’s the problem?’
I hesitate. ‘Everything was fine until I thought I’d seen him with someone else – who, as it turned out, happened to be his sister. But it was like something closed up inside me. I think the memory of how I felt when I lost Liam came back. I don’t ever want to feel that kind of pain again.’
