Page 50 of The Shape of Your Heart
The honest truth is that things between Liam and me were far from perfect. But no relationships are perfect; nor is it realistic to expect them to be. I loved Liam the only way I knew – unconditionally.
Suddenly I realise how much stronger I’ve become, because if it happened again, I’d postpone the wedding until we were sure. And if we weren’t, I would believe there would be something, someone better for me. The girl I am now wouldn’t want to be with anyone who had doubts.
Maybe it explains why my grief has been so intense. Having come close to losing Liam a week before the wedding, my emotions were already on a knife-edge. On our wedding day, when I found out he wasn’t at the church, I genuinely believed he’d changed his mind. I’d been beside myself. Then after I found out he was dead, I fell apart.
But as I gaze up at the night sky, I realise it isn’t wrong to want to live, to love, to be happy again; it isn’t wrong to start again, with something sweet and new. Fighting the urge to call Nathan, I want to tell him I do like him, that I don’t mean to be confusing. That yes, right now, I am scared, but it won’t always be that way.
* * *
The following morning, I feel lighter as I get up early and set off for Nathan’s house. When I get there, to my surprise, he’s up and about earlier than usual, sitting on his terrace drinking coffee. Getting out of my car, I wave to him.
‘Hi!’ I call out.
‘Morning! Tea?’
‘Please.’ As he disappears inside, I finish getting my things out of my car before going to join him. As I reach the terrace, he comes back outside.
He passes me a mug. ‘Thanks for last night.’
‘You’re welcome. It was nice.’ I pause. ‘You’re up early.’
‘I’ve been up since five. I’ve been sketching what we talked about. Can I show you?’
He goes back inside and returns carrying a massive sketch pad. Sitting down and opening it, he looks slightly anxiously at me. ‘What do you think?’
He’s drawn everything that we talked about, with the addition of a large outside kitchen in the camping part of the site, and solar panels, too. As I study it, I’m blown away. ‘This is awesome,’ I say quietly, as our eyes meet, lingering for a moment before he glances away.
‘Thank you. I hoped you’d like it. I’m going over to see my friend tonight – the one who’s an architect.’ He gets up. ‘Meanwhile, I’m going to finish putting costs together. If he’s happy with it, I’m pretty close to applying for planning.’
I open my mouth and close it again. ‘Wow. You get things done, don’t you?’
He looks surprised. ‘Best way.’
‘I can give you some links to websites about plants, if you like? It would help you cost that side of things, too.’
‘That would be great.’ He glances around, before picking up a notebook. ‘I’ll add that to my list.’ He pauses. ‘You mentioned weddings… Do you know of any outdoor venues around here?’
I shake my head. ‘Not really – it’s why I think it would work. The only downside would be the increase in traffic, but you could keep the weddings small - or lay on a bus and get around that.’ I look at him. ‘You’re going for the giant tepee?’
He nods. ‘I think I’d be mad not to. It will make the site so much more versatile.’
I feel a flicker of excitement. ‘I don’t think you’ll regret it.’ Suddenly I remember. ‘I’m going to see my parents later. I’ll talk to Dad about his friend at the council.’
‘That would be great.’ He glances at his watch. ‘I should get on. I have a phone meeting about to start. Catch you later?’
‘Sure. Thanks for the tea.’ I watch him go inside, slightly disappointed.
I finish pruning a lilac tree, oblivious to the clouds gathering overhead, my mind wandering back again to the week before my wedding; how Liam’s last-minute nerves had left me walking on eggshells; the way my smile had been brighter, so that no one would know how on edge I was. But I’d tried to understand before forgiving him, because I knew in my heart I loved him.
* * *
Three hours pass before the rain starts. Gathering up my things, I head towards the house to tell Nathan I’m leaving, but when I see him through the window talking on his phone, I wave at him before hurrying to my car.
As I drive home, the cloud gradually lowers, the rain coming in sheets as the weather sets in. Not sure I want to spend the rest of the day alone, when I get home, I text Tanith.
You free tonight? x
When she doesn’t reply, after changing into some clean clothes, I drive over to see my parents. Pottering in his workshop, my father looks much more like his old self.
