Page 68 of The Shape of Your Heart
‘Nice to meet you,’ one of them says – I’m not sure which is which. Her worry shows clearly in her eyes.
* * *
I can’t stop thinking about Callie as I walk away. I remember how I felt when my father was ill; my mother passed almost exactly a year after he’d died. When we’d always been close, their deaths left me rootless, bereft, as for the first time I’d realised how much family meant, that, apart from Robin, I was alone in the world.
I know Callie will be going through shades of the same, especially now, when she’s only starting to get over losing her fiancé. My heart twists in anguish for her. But when one of your parents is seriously ill, as I remember well, it takes over absolutely everything.
* * *
The meeting with the builder leaves me uneasy. He’s too cocky, too sure of his ground, already mentioning shortcuts, when what I want to build are genuine eco-houses.
‘There are much cheaper alternatives, mate.’ He grins at me. ‘Apart from you and me, no one will know.’
‘That’s not the point.’ I try to keep him on track.
‘Yeah, but think about the money, mate. If you can save a bit here and there, you can’t argue with that. There are plenty of potential buyers out there, wanting fancy holiday homes. So what if this or that isn’t quite right? They’re hardly going to notice.’
Not liking the direction this is taking, in the end, I draw the meeting to a close. ‘Let me think about this,’ I say firmly.
On my way back to my car, on impulse I stop to buy a card for Callie. But as I drive home, my mind is all over the place. I despise working with people like this builder. I have a feeling the planning application would be dodgy, too – a backhander to the right person in order to get what he wants. Right now, it feels unjustifiable.
* * *
When I get home, I take out the card I bought, thinking for a moment before starting to write.
Dear Callie,
I just wanted to say again how sorry I am to hear your dad is ill. I hope he’s better soon – and I’ll be thinking of you. I’m always here if you want someone to talk to.
Take care of yourself.
Nathan
I add a PS.
I’ve planted the primroses.
Sealing the envelope, I put it to one side. I’m guessing Callie will be spending most of her time with her family, but at some point I’ll drive it over to her cottage.
Getting up, I go over to my desk and switch on my laptop. The building project is playing on my mind. It isn’t too late to pull the plug on it – we haven’t gone past the discussion stage and I’m a long way from being ready to sign anything.
There’s one thing the guy said that has stuck, however. But I need to do some research and check it out.
* * *
In the afternoon, I drive over to Callie’s house. As expected, when I arrive, there’s no sign of her car. Getting out, I stand there for a moment. It’s a quiet January day, a chill to the air as I notice a few wild primroses growing in the hedgerow, reminding me of the ones she gave me.
After posting the card through her door, I drive home, deep in thought. When I was ill, it struck me how weird it is, that when death is one of life’s certainties, most people are reluctant to talk about it. When I thought I was running out of time, I wanted to talk to Robin about it. But she was evasive.I don’t want to think about you not being here.
I tried to impress on her that, in the position I was in, it would help me just to talk. In the end, one of the nurses sat with me and listened, her voice reassuring as she made it clear that if it came to that, I wouldn’t be alone.
Our avoidance of talking about death is cultural, I suppose, driven by fear of the unknown, leaving people walking on eggshells around it. My own close shave was a stark reminder of that – though actually it was more a much-needed wake-up call: not to let time go by, to fully live this life while I still can.
I sigh. I know it’s part of the reason it isn’t working out with this builder. Living life fully means believing in what I’m doing, being true to the person I want to be. And whatever else is uncertain, if there’s one thing I am sure of, being a liar or a cheat isn’t part of it.
25
CALLIE
