Page 9 of The Shape of Your Heart
‘You lot are never short of anything to say.’ I’m starting to feel anxious. ‘What’s the matter with you?’
Alice steps on to the lawn. ‘It’s a work of art, Callie. A little paradise… Everything about it – the colours, the textures, the scent…’
They’re starting to weird me out. ‘OK,’ I say cautiously. ‘But you’ve seen it all before, and this is what I do – or have been doing. Liam and I started it together. I just kept going.’
‘Everywhere you look, it’s a scene of its own. Like that bit.’ Rita points to a section where driftwood and slate set off the muted blue of sea holly and clumps of grasses.
She’s right. The driftwood is from the beach where Liam and I met, the sea holly a reminder of the first bouquet of flowers he bought me. The grasses because we both loved the sound of the wind rustling through them, the slate picked up from the beaches together, while each pebble marks a day in the life that for a while belonged to both of us.
‘Your wedding is here.’ Alice says softly. ‘So is our childhood home, the beach, the woods, even…’
‘It has your memories in it.’ Sasha says quietly. ‘Of you and Liam.’
I shrug. ‘Aren’t all gardens a bit like that?’
‘Not like this.’ She’s silent for a moment.
‘Your rose could go there.’ Rita points to the only empty space.
‘That’s Santiago de Compostela.’ I stare at the bare soil that Liam and I had planned to plant after the honeymoon we were going to spend walking the northern Spanish coast, except that now it’s come to represent the aching void in my life. I change the subject. ‘Would you like tea?’
‘There should be some gorgeous rosé in the shopping that was delivered,’ Alice takes over. ‘There’s some Pinot Gris, too.’
‘All chilling in the fridge,’ I say before she asks.
* * *
That night, Sasha cooks pasta and a rich tomato sauce, insisting I sit on the sofa, where, sandwiched between Alice and Rita, I watch her cook.
When she’s finished, we eat outside in the dwindling daylight. As it fades to darkness and myriad stars come into view, the small flowers of night-scented stock unfurl, releasing their fragrance. Breathing it in, the familiar ache in my heart is back. Feeling a single tear snake its way down my cheek, I wipe it away.
‘You OK?’ As Sasha speaks, all my sisters turn to me.
‘I’m fine.’ My voice wavers. ‘It just goes like this sometimes.’ In the silence that falls, I guess what’s coming.
‘I wish you’d move in with me,’ Sasha says quietly. ‘It would do you good to have a change of scenery – and company. You’d get another job easily enough – and there’s loads going on in Bristol. I know you’d love it there.’
Her spare room is lovely – airy and light, with a view across a park. ‘I can’t.’ I shake my head, looking around at the garden that’s helped me survive the last year. ‘Without this, I wouldn’t know who I am.’
‘Wouldn’t it do you good to get out of the house?’ Alice says gently.
‘I go to the beach – and one or two other places.’ I shrug. ‘It’s enough.’
‘Are you OK for money?’ Rita says. ‘I – we were talking about it on the way here. We can all afford to help.’
‘You’re all so kind…’ I look at their faces. ‘But I don’t need money. Liam had life insurance. What I need…’ My voice breaks. ‘Is to start to feel better.But I feel so stuck.’
‘It takes time,’ Alice says.
‘Yes – but it’s been a year. How much more time?’ There’s desperation in my voice.
‘It takes as long as it takes.’ Reaching across the table, Alice holds my hand. ‘It’s different for everybody.’ She pauses. ‘It will get better, Cal – maybe not yet, but one day.’
A sob sticks in my throat, because there’s something I can’t get my head around – because part of me can’t, doesn’t want to, feel better. Shaking my head, I stare at the table. ‘When Liam’s dead, it doesn’t feel right that I should be happy again.’
‘Oh, Callie…’ Beside me, Rita puts her arm around me.
‘I get it,’ Sasha says softly. ‘And it’s never going to be the same. It never can be. And I understand how, right now, the idea of feeling good again racks you with guilt. But there are a hundred paths to happiness, Cal. At the moment, there’s a roadblock in front of you, and you feel stuck where you are. Maybe, for now, you even need that roadblock. But once you’ve found your way around it or even over the top, life will start to open up again.’ She pauses. ‘But that will only happen when the time is right.’ She pats my hand. ‘This is still the shit bit. And it must feel like the most horrible dilemma to want a future that won’t have Liam in it… But whatever happens going forwards, whoever you meet, nothing’s going to take anything away from the fact that you loved him.’
