Page 107 of The Shape of Your Heart
‘When I’ve just put my heart on the line, you’re really scaring me,’ I try to joke.
Holding my hand, he looks at me intently. ‘I’ve thought a lot while you’ve been away. Up until last night, I was hoping you’d come back and want us to be together. But last night I couldn’t sleep.’ He hesitates. ‘I know I’m well at the moment, but it hasn’t been without its glitches. I had a funny spell a little while back. I spent the night in hospital. But next time, it might not be so simple.’
‘So next time, we deal with it together,’ I say gently. ‘I’m not going to run out on you because you’re ill.’
‘It isn’t that.’ There’s pain in his eyes. ‘Like I told you before, I may have twenty, thirty years ahead of me. But also, I may have far less.’
‘I know. But that’s how life goes, isn’t it?’ Gazing into his eyes, I’ve thought about it, too. ‘I know we all think the future is almost unlimited, but it isn’t, for any of us. Look at Liam.’
‘That’s exactly it.’ He swallows. ‘You’ve been through so much. I’ve watched what it’s done to you. I can’t be that person who does it to you again.’
My heart starts to race. ‘Isn’t it possible, too, that it might never happen?’ I say quickly. ‘You can’t live the rest of your life as though it’s going to end tomorrow.’ I pause. ‘You know the way I’ve always noticed small things, like tiny shells and shards of sea glass? I learned while I was walking, that it’s the same with love.’ Taking his hands in mine, I try to explain. ‘It’s about treasuring those sweetest, precious moments, however short they are, however few of them. You know there will be sadness too,’ I say gently, ‘but that’s OK, because it means you loved.’
When Nathan’s silent, I go on. ‘If you had one day left, or one week, or a year, it would make no difference. I’d still want to spend every moment with you.’
When he looks at me, his eyes are filled with tears.
‘Say something,’ I whisper, my eyes searching his. ‘Anything.’
He says it quietly, stroking my still-damp hair off my face, as at last my heart calms.
‘I love you, too, Callie.’ He hesitates. ‘By the way, there’s something else I wanted to mention.’
I feel myself tense. ‘Yes?’
He shrugs. ‘Just a thought, but if you’re looking for somewhere to plant Santiago de Compostela, I have an empty flower bed or two…’
A smile spreads across my face as my arms go around him. It’s the perfect conclusion. It strikes me that walking to Santiago de Compostela turned out not to be the end of a chapter. It was a beginning.
40
NATHAN
Outside, I show her the flower bed where she can plant her memory of Santiago de Compostela, watching as she arranges the pebbles she’s collected, setting the piece of driftwood before scattering seeds.
‘Don’t tell, will you? You’re not really supposed to bring seeds back.’ She looks at me slightly anxiously.
‘Your secret’s safe with me.’ I frown at the flower bed. ‘Is that it?’
‘Haven’t you learned about patience yet?’ She wags a finger at me. ‘The seeds will grow if we give them time – and they’ll do their own thing. They’ll be a little bit of Spanish wildness…’ A wistful look crossed her face. ‘I saw a lot of wildness on that walk.’
* * *
When we go back inside, Callie’s quiet. Pulling off her boots, she comes over to me, her eyes not leaving mine. ‘I want you to know I meant what I said earlier. I want to be here for you, Nathan.’ She carefully slides up my T-shirt. As she exposes the scar on my chest, I’ve never felt more naked. Very gently, she traces it with one of her fingers, before laying her hand over my heart. When she turned to me, tears glisten in her eyes. ‘I can only imagine what you’ve been through,’ she whispers to me. ‘I want to be here for you, no matter what lies ahead. Always.’
While she’s speaking, I feel something click into place and it becomes crystal clear to me. Life is short; this rare kind of love so precious. If you’re one of those who find it, you’re lucky. Slowly, I put my arms around her. ‘I want you to be here,’ I whisper into her hair. There’s a momentary hesitation as her whole body seems to sigh, before her arms go around me. I feel a weight lift, leaving in its place a sense of quiet peace I’ve never felt before.
Just like that, the next chapter of my life finds me. Actually, it’s a chapter that tentatively started the day I made my first sea picture. It just needed time.
41
CALLIE
Since Liam died, I’ve plunged the depths of human existence; learned how it feels to almost give up. Yet at the point I came close, a tiny ember deep inside me fought to stay alight. It’s felt like a battle – with the past, with guilt, and not least with myself. But the darkest times teach us something about ourselves. And as they pass, they illuminate the beauty of this world.
I’ll never know if Liam and I would have stood the course of time. But that isn’t the point. What happens, happens. There isn’t always a reason – and however hard it is, sometimes all we can do is to go with it. For a long time, I didn’t. I fought, clung to grief, to the past, to my dreams, when what I should have done was let them go.
That’s another thing I’ve learned. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. It means holding on to those tiny precious moments somewhere deep inside your heart, knowing whatever happens, they will never be lost; that they will always be there; that life is about collecting more of them.
