Page 15 of The Shape of Your Heart
‘Not really.’ I try to force a smile. ‘Shall we take these outside?’
The garden table is lit by the outside light and as we sit down, I’m reminded of the many evenings we spent here, the three of us; how there should have been many more. But as I know too well, thinking like this isn’t going to change anything.
‘So, where’ve you been, stranger?’
‘Well…’ He hesitates. ‘A lot’s been happening, actually. I’ve met this girl.’
‘Wow.’ I stare at him. ‘Who is she? How?’
‘I met her at a party a couple of months ago. She’s very cool – and she’s feisty. She has a great laugh – she’s also gorgeous…’
I’m incredulous as I listen to him. ‘So how don’t I know?’
He sighs. ‘To be truthful?’
‘Generally the best way.’ Leaning my elbows on the table, I rest my chin in my hands.
‘I feel bad.’ He shrugs. ‘That I survived the crash and Liam didn’t. And I feel guilty that I’ve found someone I’m happy with, when you…’ He sounds choked.
It’s almost exactly what Alice said.
‘When I’ve lost him?’ I swallow the lump in my throat.
He nods, his eyes bright with tears. ‘I think about him every day, Cal.’
As well as the sense of loss we share, Max wears the visible scars from the accident. Reaching across the table, I take his hand. ‘I know. I do, too. But we both know the accident wasn’t your fault, Max. It’s one of those shitty things that there will never be any explanation for.’ It’s one of the things I battle with, the pointlessness of it. My voice trembles. ‘I’m really glad you’ve met someone. What’s her name?’
His face brightens. ‘She’s called Robin. I think you’ll really like her. You should come over to dinner with us.’
‘You’re living together?’ For the second time, my mouth falls open.
‘I just moved in with her.’ His cheeks flush slightly pink.
‘It’s serious.’ I’m dumbfounded. ‘It isn’t too quick, is it?’
He shakes his head. ‘That’s the strangest thing. It doesn’t feel as if it is.’
I try to sound enthusiastic. Max has been through so much. He deserves to be happy. ‘This is wonderful, Max. After everything that’s happened… I’m really happy for you.’
‘You’re sure? I keep thinking how insensitive it seems to feel so happy…’ His voice drops.
It’s only as Max voices my own thought, I realise it isn’t right. ‘I know exactly what you mean. I’ve been feeling the same. But hearing you say it… it really isn’t insensitive. Life goes on – and Liam wouldn’t want us to be unhappy.’ And I mean it. But despite my words, I’m just not there yet.
A look of gratitude fleetingly crosses his face. ‘I know. But thanks for saying it, Cal.’
‘Not easy, is it?’ I say gently. ‘Finding your way when you’ve lost someone?’
‘Changes everything, doesn’t it?’
Both of us are silent for a moment before he changes the subject. ‘Why don’t I speak to Robin and fix a date?’ He looks at me hopefully.
I hesitate. ‘At some point. But right now, I’m still taking baby steps, Max. Meeting new people still feels too big.’ I shrug. ‘Maybe in a month or two.’
‘I understand.’ He pauses. ‘Are you OK, though?’
‘OK enough.’ I meet his eyes, knowing it’s true. ‘Liam would be so happy for you.’
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