Page 24 of The Shape of Your Heart
When she sees the old cartwheel, she loves it. ‘We could lean it against your house and plant tiny flowers around it – like violets and daisies. As for the statue… We could put it amongst the shrubs – or near the honeysuckle. If we buried the base, we could probably make it upright enough.’ Stepping forward, she picks up a length of rusty metal. ‘I think this is an old candlestick. You’ll probably think I’m mad, but I love it.’
It isn’t for me to question the eye of an artist. And I like the idea of incorporating some of the house’s history. ‘Whatever you say. I totally trust your judgement.’
‘Good.’ She looks pleased. ‘There are other bits – but we can come back to them later. Now, there’s this bit of garden I’ve been thinking about…’
Leading me around to the front of the house, she shows me a corner of lawn under the shade of a birch tree.
‘There’s brick under here.’ Pulling up some of the grass, she exposes the worn terracotta underneath. ‘If we dug up the grass, you could have a little table and some chairs here. You’d have a natural umbrella of shade from the branches – and different views…’ She glances towards the house. ‘And in between the bricks of whatever’s under there, there are things we can plant from seed, like night scented stock. It isn’t much to look at during the day, but at night the scent is intoxicating.’ She turns towards the house again. ‘Now… Your terrace.’
‘What about it?’ As far as I’m concerned, the terrace is perfect exactly as it is.
She glances sideways at me. ‘You could always grow something up the front of it – climbing roses, clematis or something. It would soften it – and it would look really pretty when you’re sitting outside.’
Lacking her imagination, I’m struggling to imagine how it would work. ‘I can’t picture it.’
A smile plays on her lips. ‘I’ll try to find an image of what I mean.’
Frowning, I look at her. ‘Callie? If you don’t mind me asking, why are you doing this?’
For a moment, her eyes hold mine, then she seems to crumble. ‘I’m trying to move forward.’ Her voice wobbles slightly, before she seems to take a hold of herself. ‘It may sound mad, but coming here is a really big deal for me. You see… when I think of Liam, I feel this terrible pain.’ She takes a deep breath. ‘Sasha – one of my sisters – says we all go through life trying to avoid pain. And she’s probably right – she’s a therapist. But the problem is… unless you confront it, all you do is bury it. It means it hasn’t gone away. It’s still there.’
I frown. ‘So what does Sasha suggest you do?’
Callie shrugs. ‘Feel the pain. Realise I can survive it.’ She shakes her head. ‘Yesterday, when I left here, I felt terrible. I’d spent an entire morning doing something I enjoyed. I’m not supposed to do that.’
‘Why not?’ I say gently. ‘The way I see it, life’s a gift. Aren’t we supposed to make the most of it?’ Seeing a tear roll down her cheek, I fish in my pocket for a tissue, passing it to her. ‘Is that why you’re here? You’re hiding from it?’
‘I don’t know.’ She blows her nose loudly. ‘But I don’t think so. I’m getting better at sitting with the pain. At some point, I have to imagine moving forward. But at the moment, I can only see as far as the end of each day.’
I know better than anyone how it feels when just as it seems you have your life in hand, the universe throws you a curveball. ‘But that’s OK,’ I tell her quietly. ‘We should probably all live much more in the moment. Beyond today, nothing’s certain, is it?’
11
CALLIE
As always, it comes down to the simplest things. Someone’s kindness and understanding; a tasty salmon sandwich eaten somewhere peaceful in easy company. But the trouble is it makes everything a hundred times worse.
Once I’m home my guilt comes flooding back. But as I sit in my garden, I don’t fight it. Instead, I tell myself it’s OK to feel like this as I try to breathe through the torrent of emotions I’m feeling, until very slowly they start to subside.
It’s still painful. I’m aware, also, that it’s different, though. But after a year of living such a stripped-back life, with even the smallest shift in my horizons I can feel something changing in me.
Thinking of my parents, I have a sudden desire to see them and later that afternoon, I drive over to their place. Parking in front of the house, I sit there for a moment. Even now, coming here reminds me of the day I was meant to marry Liam; of the happiness that was decimated by heartbreak.
But there are other memories, I tell myself fiercely as I go inside. Finding the house empty, I head outside again to where I know my father will be, pottering in his shed.
‘Ah, Callie. I didn’t know you were coming.’ He envelops me in a hug. ‘Your mother’s out, you know. Something to do with the Neighbourhood Watch scheme she’s got involved in.’
I’m guessing he means in the nearest village, as my parents don’t really have any direct neighbours. But my mother’s never happier than when she has a project in hand and this sounds right up her alley. ‘That’s OK. I just felt like coming over.’
My dad studies me for a moment. ‘How are you doing?’
‘I’m OK.’ I nod. ‘I mean, everything’s raw still, but it’s odd. I’m starting to feel as though something’s changing.’
‘That’s a good thing,’ he says gently.
‘Is it?’ As all my misgivings surface, I blurt it out. ‘I can’t work it out. It just feels wrong to start living again when Liam…’ Hearing my voice waver, I break off.
‘Liam wouldn’t want you to be unhappy,’ Dad says quietly. ‘He’d want you to have a wonderful life. He’d want you to be happy, too. If I popped off tomorrow, your mother would have no qualms about getting on with her life – and I’d want her to. Life is a gift – one you can turn into something amazing, or alternatively waste. And before you say anything, I’m not suggesting you’re wasting yours. You’re going through a necessary process of adjustment, that’s all.’
