Page 28 of The Shape of Your Heart
‘I don’t know,’ he says simply. ‘Maybe there have been signs you’ve missed. I wouldn’t give up just yet.’
When he reaches across the table and takes one of my hands, instead of pulling away, I let him. And it’s nice, feeling the warmth of another human being, even if he does have some questionable principles. It’s further proof that something’s changed, because it doesn’t feel wrong. But when I don’t trust the feeling to last; it seems like the perfect time to end the evening.
‘I’ve had a really lovely time tonight,’ I say. ‘But if it’s all the same to you, could you take me home?’
12
NATHAN
As we walk back to the car, now and then our arms brush against each other while I fight the urge to take her hand again. I know how suddenly her grief can erupt, and she’s told me how easily she slips into berating herself.
We don’t say much as we walk. I guess already we’ve done more talking than Callie’s become used to. When I arrived to pick her up, I fully expected her to back out at the last minute, most likely out of misplaced guilt. But by agreeing to come out, she seems to have surprised herself.
One thing’s for sure. She isn’t shy of voicing her opinions. I don’t know her well enough yet to judge whether she’s a speak-first, think-later kind of person, but I kind of suspect she isn’t, that it’s more a case of her wearing her heart on her sleeve.
‘Look.’ Beside me, she points towards an owl that’s taken flight, its pale shape standing out against the rapidly darkening sky.
Hearing the wind pick up around us, I feel the first drops of rain start to fall, and it seems the most natural thing in the world to take her hand. ‘We need to hurry!’
As we reach the car, the heavens open. Unlocking it, I climb in. But seconds later, Callie’s still outside. I wind down the window to see her face upturned towards the sky, her arms outstretched, as if she’s celebrating the rain.
‘Callie! You’re getting soaked!’
For a moment, it’s as if she hasn’t heard me. But then she looks at me. ‘I know… But you really should know how wonderful this feels!’
As she gets into the car, I worry her emotions will catch her out. But her eyes are luminous, and she smells of the rain, the sea, of the essence of what life is. Unable to stop myself, I do the only thing I can. I kiss her.
Almost immediately, I regret it, imagining it to be too much for her; too soon. As our lips touch, I feel her startle, but to my amazement, leaning towards me, she kisses me back.
I pull away gently. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.’
‘Sorry because you wish you hadn’t?’ Her voice is quiet.
‘I don’t wish I hadn’t. I’m thinking that maybe it’s too much – too soon.’
‘Ah.’ She’s silent for a moment. ‘I can understand why you’ve said that, to be honest. But just so you know, I’m not thinking that at all.’
Watching her sit there quietly, I’m starting to get worried. ‘So what is it?’
Her eyes are troubled. ‘I’m waiting for the backlash that always comes when I start to feel good about something. Tonight, this is literally the first time it hasn’t happened.’
‘Is that a good thing?’ I ask cautiously.
‘Maybe.’ She shrugs. ‘I think it’s too soon to tell. Normally a part of my mind punishes me with guilt. My fiancé is dead and I’ve just kissed another man…’
‘Come on.’ Fearing the worst of her emotions is coming, I switch the engine on. ‘Let’s get you home.’
* * *
By the time we’re back at Callie’s, the rain is coming in sheets. As I get out of the car, the first rumble of thunder reaches my ears.
I wait with her on the doorstep as she finds her key and opens the door. Going inside, she turns to me for a moment.
‘Thank you.’ Her eyes are bright with gratitude. ‘I had such a nice time.’
‘Me too,’ I say quietly. ‘Go and put some warm clothes on. I’ll see you soon.’
She nods briefly. ‘Night,’ she whispers.
