Page 42 of The Shape of Your Heart
Just as I’m about to leave, Sasha turns up. Noticing her eyes are troubled, I wonder if she’s worried about dad or if it’s the man in her life.
‘Hey!’ Coming in, she hugs me and Rita, then our parents. ‘How are you both?’
‘They’re fine,’ I tell her, nodding towards a bag of wool. ‘Mum’s taking orders from the nursing staff.’
‘Anyone would think there was something wrong with that,’ my mother says crisply.
‘There’s nothing wrong with it, Mum.’ Leaning down, Sasha kisses her on the cheek.
I glance at my watch. ‘I’m sorry to leave you all so soon, but I have to go.’
Sasha fixes her eyes on me. ‘So where are you off to?’
‘I’m meeting a friend,’ I say airily, taking in her look of surprise. ‘I am now a fully fledged member of the newly formed Graveyard Groupies. We’re meeting at Charlie’s Fish Shack.’
My mother looks at me as if I’m mad, while Rita splutters and Sasha looks approving. ‘Good for you. Are you around tomorrow?’
I nod. ‘Come over any time.’
* * *
Inside Charlie’s Fish Shack, Tanith is sitting alone at a corner table. In a black dress, her strawberry-blond hair cascading over one shoulder, she looks suitably bereaved – and stunning.
She’s pleased to see me. ‘Hi! Glad there’s going to be at least two of us. White wine? I have a bottle.’
‘Thanks.’ Sitting down, I watch as she reaches into the ice bucket and pours me a glass. ‘So how many other bereaved bitches have you roped in?’ I ask her.
‘Three. One probably won’t come. She’s still in the “all over the place” phase. Fluctuating emotions, tidal waves of survivor guilt… we both know how that goes. Here’s Freya.’ She looks up as another woman comes in. A little older than us, when she sees Tanith, she raises a hand in greeting. ‘Ten years on, still not over him. But you and I are not ever allowed to be like that, OK?’ Tanith mutters. ‘Hi, Freya! So pleased you could join us. This is Callie.’
‘Hi.’ I hold out my hand.
‘You’re so young.’ Freya looks sad. ‘Both of you. It’s so terrible.’
While I’d been guessing we’d share our experiences, the last thing I need is someone telling me how terrible it is. Glancing at Tanith, I wonder if this is going to work.
‘Have a glass of wine.’ Tanith pours her a glass. ‘Oh, good. Here’s Joey.’ As a thin woman in an orange dress comes over, Tanith introduces us all. ‘Now that everyone’s here, why don’t we tell each other a little about ourselves? I’ll go first.’ She gives them a potted version of what she’s already told me about her husband dying. ‘So there you are. I suppose realising I would have divorced him by now has been quite helpful overall. But the fact is I married the wrong man. Callie?’
I look from Freya to Joey. ‘I lost my fiancé just over a year ago. He was killed on the way to the church on our wedding day. It’s been the worst year of my entire life.’ I hesitate, before going on. ‘But now and then, I’m starting to believe I’ll be OK again.’
After Freya tells us about the husband she lost ten years ago, my heart goes out to her. To be so encumbered by grief so many years later is desperately sad, while Joey’s story is something else.
‘I found out after he died, he’d been living a double life. He had another wife, more kids…’
‘Fuck.’ Tanith looks horrified. ‘You had no idea?’
Joey shakes her head. ‘He was a pilot – I just thought he was away a lot. Of course, once I knew, I wanted to kill him…’
‘I’m not surprised.’ Tanith sounds shocked as she looks around at us all. ‘I suppose the point is, we’re all in the same boat – well, almost,’ she adds, glancing at Joey. ‘But apart from mourning what we’ve lost, I think we should celebrate – being alive; and being strong, vibrant women.’ She raises her glass. ‘To us.’
Freya holds her glass firmly on the table. ‘I’m not strong at all – that’s the point.’
‘You’ve made it through ten years,’ Tanith says kindly. ‘Don’t you think you should feel a little proud of yourself?’
In Freya, I can’t help but see something of myself. She’s reluctant to let go of the past, to accept that life could be worth living again. It isn’t a comfortable feeling. We both have a life to live, as I’m finding out. All of us do. Joey, however, has channelled her anger at her husband into strength.
‘When I found out he’d been leading a double life, I realised how little he must have thought of me. And our children.’ Her voice trembles. ‘So I told myself, I’m better than that. If he hadn’t died, he probably would have gone on deceiving me for years. How awful is that?’
‘You deserve so much better.’ Glancing at Freya, Tanith tries to draw her out. ‘Don’t you think?’
