Page 49 of The Shape of Your Heart
Callie looks shocked. ‘I can’t imagine how scary that must have been.’
‘It was.’ Our eyes meet. ‘I’m OK now, though I still have to go for check-ups.’
‘I’m really glad you’re OK.’ She reaches out to touch my arm. ‘So that’s the reason you’ve decided to change your life?’
‘Yes.’ It’s more than I’m comfortable saying to most people; I change the subject. ‘This food is great – exactly the kind of thing we could serve in the café.’
* * *
As I get in my car, I’m no less confused. There have been too many moments where our eyes meet, where we understand each other in a way that feels instinctive. Yet for some reason I’ve been holding back; I gave her the abridged version when she asked about my illness – probably because it brings back too many difficult memories. Then when I left, I kissed her on the cheek before walking outside; a kiss I’d wanted to be so much more.
Driving home, several times I think about turning around and going back. I want to tell her I won’t hurt her, that I’ve never felt this way about anyone else. I want to hold her in my arms, to gaze into her beautiful eyes, to kiss away her sadness; I want to remind her how magical life could be, how wonderful it could be to share it with someone.
But something tells me the time isn’t right. And I’m still coming to terms with the health scare I’ve had. Maybe after Callie has done this walk, after she’s planted the last empty corner of her garden, she’ll be ready to move on. But while she’s still working out whatever it is she’s working out, all I can do is give her however long it takes.
19
CALLIE
After Nathan leaves, I pull on a jumper, before pouring another glass of wine and taking it outside. After sunset, my garden becomes a magical place for night creatures, and I watch a moth, its delicate wings perfectly camouflaged as it comes to rest on a tree; little bats that flit about silently.
Sitting there, as I think back over the last year, I conjure a memory of the day I should have married Liam, as vividly as if it happened yesterday. Yet at the same time, it feels a long time ago.
I listen to the hoot of a distant owl as Tanith’s words come back to me:no one’s that perfect.As I said to her, I’m a bit of a rose-tinted-glasses person. But there’s something I’ve never told her or anyone else.
Under this night sky that’s brilliant with myriad dazzling stars, my mind wanders back to a week before the wedding. The minute Liam walked in, I knew something was very wrong. As he looked at me, I felt cold all of a sudden.
I don’t know if I can do this, Cal.
Do what?I remember the shockwave that hit me. Our wedding was just days away, everything booked and paid for by my parents. Unable to believe he was doing this, I asked him why.
It’s so final.He couldn’t meet my eyes.It’s a big step, marriage. And…When he hedged, I knew there was more he wasn’t saying.I know you want kids. And I’ve gone along with the idea – I didn’t want to upset you. But if I’m really honest, I’m not sure…
Shock after shock had kept coming at me. Whenever we’d talked about having a family, Liam seemed to love the idea. But clearly, he hadn’t been straight with me. This man I loved with all my heart, who I believed was my once-in-a-lifetime love, was threatening everything I held precious. I had to know.Why now?
If not now, it’ll be too late.He sighed.Untangling a marriage is so complicated.
I remember staring at him, feeling nauseous. We weren’t even married and he was talking about divorce. Panic-stricken, I asked him if he’d met someone else. His pause told me everything.
We talked, that’s all. Nothing happened, Callie. I swear I would never do that to you. But it got me thinking: what if we get married – if we’re not right for each other? If one of us meets someone else?
I told him that if we loved each other, we’d weather our storms, build a future together. But if he wasn’t sure how he felt… When he stood there in silence, I asked him to leave.
I never knew where he went that night. Rocked, I lay awake in bed gazing into the darkness, even after my tears stopped, unable to sleep. The following morning, I got up early, taking a cup of tea out into the garden. Looking around, I took in all the flowers and herbs I’d grown, timed perfectly to reach their peak for the wedding – except now, it didn’t look like there was going to be one.
Unable to face telling anyone, I sat there all morning, imagining dismantling our lives, splitting everything in this house; in the cold light of day wondering what the future held, until just after midday, I heard a car outside before the kitchen door was opened. When Liam came outside to find me, he looked terrible.
I’m so sorry, Callie. I honestly don’t know what happened to me.Crouching down, he took my hands in his.I think it was last-minute nerves. I was awake all last night. I couldn’t stop thinking how different my life would be without you. I want to marry you, more than anything in the world. I want to have children with you, too… If you can forgive me?
As I listened, tears filled my eyes, tears of relief. But underneath it, I was shaken. When I’d trusted him enough to marry him, he’d gone back on his word. There was fear, too. He might be over whatever was dogging him last night, but what if six weeks, six months, six years down the line, it happened again?
For the rest of that day, we talked, honestly, about our feelings, our desires for the future in a way we should have long before we’d decided to get married. But the truth was I’d been too naïve, too swept away by the romance of it all to think beyond that.
That evening, we went for a walk on the beach. There on the sand, for the second time, Liam had traced the letters in the sand before going down on one knee.
Please, Callie, marry me…
Knowing in my heart it was what I wanted, too, there was only one thing I could say. Over the next few days, I mentioned our blip to no one, telling myself that it was better we’d cleared the air, got things out in the open. Maybe we were even stronger for it. I asked nothing more about the woman he’d met, just threw myself whole-heartedly into the final days of planning before our wedding.
