Page 59 of The Shape of Your Heart
‘My dad is back in hospital.’ I say through my tears. ‘He was taken in yesterday, by ambulance.’
Nathan looks startled. ‘I thought he was doing well.’
‘He was.’ Wiping my face again, I gaze at him. ‘We all thought so. It’s why this is so frightening.’
He’s silent for a moment. ‘Do you think it feels worse because of losing your fiancé?’
My emotions get the better of me as I whisper. ‘I think so.’
After he makes us a cup of tea, we talk more, about life and how you think you have for ever, when as we both know for reasons of our own, there’s no way of knowing what the future holds.
When I get up to leave, he hesitates at the door.
‘I know how tough this must be for you. But I’m always here, you know – if you need someone to talk to.’
Reaching up, I kiss his cheek. ‘Thank you.’
* * *
The last of the leaves fall as autumn rolls into winter and my father comes home. When his weekly check-ups confirm he’s doing OK, only then do my fears slowly start to dissipate. Meanwhile, as my mother starts planning Christmas, I think back to last year. Other than going through the motions and leaving early, I remember little of it. But this year… With all my sisters coming, with Dad’s health not so good, I know we have to make this a special one.
This year it’s me who helps my mother decorate the house. My father is under strict instructions to take it easy. Lugging in a huge tree between us, we set it up and decorate it. As we hang the familiar baubles, my mother hands one to me.
‘I remember the day you chose this. You were about five – and you loved anything and everything with glitter on it.’
It’s rare for my mother to be sentimental. I take it from her. It’s a Barbie pink unicorn from which most of the glitter has worn away.
‘You should keep it.’ She carries on decorating the tree. ‘Goodness knows, we have enough of the things.’ She sounds more like her old self.
Going over, I hug her. ‘Thank you.’ I feel emotional all of a sudden.
‘It’s only a bauble,’ she says briskly.
‘Not just for that.’ I hold her hands for a moment, grateful for everything she’s done for us over the years. ‘For all the Christmases. For the wedding that never happened. For everything.’
‘Oh, Callie…’ Her eyes are misty as she looks at me. ‘You girls have been the greatest joy in my life.’ She pauses. ‘All I really want is for you to be happy again.’
‘I’m starting to believe I will be.’ I swallow, because it isn’t easy to say. ‘It’s just that when you lose someone, it makes everything so complicated.’
‘Of course it does. It turns your life upside down.’ She smiles wistfully. ‘I’m proud of you, you know, for how you’re dealing with this.’
Tears fill my eyes. ‘Thanks Mum. I’m not sure I did, to start with. But I think I am now.’ I hesitate. ‘Are you OK? What with Dad and everything?’
‘I won’t say it hasn’t been a shock.’ She’s silent for a moment. ‘I suppose these things make you think about what’s really important in life.’
* * *
The week before Christmas, I call round to see Nathan with the gift I’ve chosen for him. When he opens the door, he looks tired.
‘Callie. I wasn’t expecting you.’
I smile. ‘It’s OK. I won’t stay.’
‘No, come in. Please.’ Standing back, he opens the door more widely, closing it behind me.
‘OK. I can’t stay long, though. I came to give you this.’ I pass him the tray of primrose plants I’m holding. ‘You can have them in your house over Christmas. Then after, you can plant them outside.’
Peeling off the paper, he looks pleased. ‘Thank you. I hope you’re going to tell me where I should plant them?’
