Page 76 of The Shape of Your Heart
I was aware of Alice leaving my room as Sasha’s arm around me tightened. I closed my eyes, trying to shut out the hideousness of it all.
I have only the vaguest memory of the support group getting in touch, even less of what was said. In my grief, I’d been all over the place, struggling to cope with each day, let alone with envisaging the future. And even if I had, I never could have imagined anything like this.
28
NATHAN
Sitting at my laptop, I’m distracted when I hear a car come up the drive, the sound of gravel spraying out as the brakes are slammed on hard. Hearing footsteps come running up the steps, I get to my feet and hurry to the door, opening it to find Callie standing there.
She’s distraught, her eyes fill with tears as she waves two pieces of paper at me. ‘All this time, Nathan… I can’t believe you didn’t you tell me.Why?’
Seeing the card I sent her, I’m confused. ‘I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about.’ Then I notice the letter in her other hand. It looks remarkably like the one I wrote some weeks back. Shock washes over me. But before I can say anything, Callie goes on.
‘I must have known,’ she cries. ‘Somehow, deep inside me. It’s why it never felt right between us. And now…’ She stops to wipe her face. ‘I don’t know what to think, Nathan. I don’t know what to feel.’ A tormented look crosses her face.
Seeing her in such distress, I feel my heart twist. ‘Please come in,’ I say as gently as I can. ‘I really think we should talk about this.’
She looks poised, as if ready to take flight, and I half-expect her to turn around and run away. But after hesitating, she comes inside.
I close the door behind her. ‘Come and sit down.’ I lead the way over to the sofa.
‘What are the chances?’ There’s anguish in her voice, but having got it out of her system, Callie seems slightly calmer. ‘When I read the letter, I didn’t think it could have been from you,’ she says tearfully. ‘But then I saw your signature… I had this really strange feeling, like I knew it was you. So I compared it to the signature on the card you sent me.’
‘Of course they’re the same. I’m so sorry—’ I start to say, but she interrupts.
‘Why didn’t you tell me you’d had a heart transplant?’
Under her scrutiny, I feel uncomfortable. ‘It isn’t something I tend to talk about. I was ill for a long time. This last year, it’s felt like I’ve been given a second chance.’ But as I take in that it’s Liam’s heart that’s saved my life, shock washes over me.
‘Because Liam’s heart is keeping you alive.’ As she gazes at my chest, a look I can’t read flickers across her face, before tears fill her eyes again, spilling over. ‘I don’t know what to do with this,’ she whispered. ‘It’s too much.’
It’s too much for me, too. But it doesn’t stop me wanting to put my arms around her, to hold her close, to comfort her, though I know, right now, it isn’t what she wants from me.
A look of incredulity crosses her face. ‘It’s why you made the sea pictures, isn’t it? And why you’re suddenly interested in gardening? And in me…’ As she stands up, realisation dawns in her eyes. ‘This is too weird,’ she stares at me. ‘You’ve changed the way you live, haven’t you? Since you had a heart transplant? Your choices…’ Her voice wavers. ‘They’re the same choices Liam made…’
‘I don’t know,’ I say desperately. ‘You could equally say having major surgery would make anyone want to find a better way to live.’ I want her to understand how I feel about her, too. But something tells me it isn’t the time.
She shakes her head. ‘It isn’t that.’ Her jaw is set. ‘I know it isn’t.You have Liam’s memories,’ she whispers, a look of pain in her eyes.
‘Look, I know how upsetting this is, but this is me, Callie. I think you know how I feel about you – and I think you have feelings for me, too. I’ve been holding off saying anything, because I know how guilty you feel. But…’ I’m lost for words.
Realisation dawns in her eyes, only to be replaced by a haunted look. ‘I’m sorry. I can’t stay here.’
As she turns and walks towards the door, I hear another car outside. ‘Wait,’ I call after her. ‘Please, Callie. You can’t leave like this.’
Turning briefly, she looks distraught again. ‘I have to.’
A knock on the door distracts me. When I open it, Robin is standing there.
‘Hey, little brother.’ She freezes as her eyes settle on Callie. ‘Hi.’ She looks at me questioningly.
‘This is Callie. Callie, this is Robin, my sister.’ I don’t want her thinking this is a repeat of the Emily debacle. Behind her, I hear footsteps before Max walks in.
As he puts his arm around Robin, a gasp comes from Callie. ‘Max? What are you doing here?’
‘Callie?’ He looks stumped.
Max and Callie know each other? I stare at them both. This is getting stranger by the minute.
