Page 84 of The Shape of Your Heart
‘I’m glad I’ve caught you.’ He reaches into one of his pockets and takes out a small box. ‘I want you to have this. It used to belong to my father. I thought it might be useful.’
Inside the box, I find the compass that was given to him when he was just a teenager. As a child, I remember being fascinated by it. Hugging him, I swallow the lump in my throat. ‘Thanks, Dad. I shall really treasure this.’
* * *
With everything else in order, my thoughts turn to Nathan. It doesn’t feel right to leave without seeing him. I think about the times he alluded to being ill – including the latest when he said that’s why Emily dumped him. He must have been seriously ill if he needed a heart transplant – and she walked out on him.
A terrible realisation comes to me as suddenly my mind is racing. I’ve been so preoccupied with myself, I haven’t properly considered what Nathan’s been through – most likely is still going through. Pulling on my jacket, I grab my car keys.
* * *
‘I’m so sorry.’ Standing on Nathan’s doorstep again, my eyes fix on his as I pull my jacket around me against the wind. ‘But I really wanted to see you before I leave. Is there any chance I could come in?’
He stands back, and as I go inside, I notice how pale he looks.
Closing the door, for a moment, he doesn’t speak.
‘Can I make you a cup of tea?’
I breathe an inward sigh of relief. ‘I’d really like that.’
After he makes the tea, he brings the mugs over to the sofa and passes me one.
‘Thanks.’ Sipping my tea, I pause, studying him. ‘Are you OK?’
He nods. ‘I am now. But I had a bit of a scare a few days ago.’
A feeling of foreboding comes over me. ‘What happened?’
‘I was working and suddenly my vision blurred. I felt really strange. Robin drove me to the hospital and I had some tests – it turned out to be high blood pressure. So as long as I take my pills, I should be fine.’
Relief fills me. ‘Thank goodness.’ I pause. ‘I wish I’d known.’
‘I thought about calling you.’
‘I wish you had.’ It strikes me that if I’d known, there’s no question I’d have wanted to be there. ‘Do you mind if I ask you about your illness?’
‘I don’t. But it’s a bit of a long story.’ He sighs. ‘I was born with a condition called inherited cardiomyopathy. For the first eighteen years of my life, I didn’t know anything was wrong. I was a regular guy who used to run and surf and play football. Then one day, at home, I passed out. When I came round, my parents had called an ambulance. They took me into hospital. I was completely convinced I was fine – that I’d just fainted because of low blood sugar or something – and it wasn’t that big a deal. I’d been training hard – I thought I’d worn myself out. They did some tests.’ A look of bewilderment flickers across his face. ‘Lying in that hospital bed, I didn’t feel at all bad. But that was when they diagnosed me. Basically, my heart was incapable of pumping my blood around my body. My life changed from that moment. I had to cut out sport altogether.’
‘That’s why you haven’t surfed in a while,’ I say quietly.
‘Yeah. I lived a much slower life and for a while, it worked. But about six years later, it all got much worse. At one point they installed a defibrillator. I started to feel better. I suppose I went a bit mad – partying and all the rest of it. It was like I was making up for lost time. For about three years, life felt fantastic, but it wasn’t long before everything was taking so much effort again. That was when they told me that basically my heart was failing.’
In other words, he’d been dying. A cold feeling comes over me as I try to imagine how that must have felt. ‘It must have been so frightening.’
He nods. ‘It was terrifying. For a while, life was really tough. I didn’t know if I was going to survive or not. They had me on a list for a transplant. Meanwhile, my condition was getting worse. I was giving up hope. I honestly thought I was going to die. But then they found a heart and I had surgery. I spent a while in hospital, but when I came out…’ He breaks off, remembering. ‘Once I’d recovered, it was incredible, as though I’d been given a new lease of life. I felt completely well – and I could do all these things I hadn’t done for years.’
I’m silent, taking it in, as he goes on. ‘As far as my heart goes, I could be fine for the next ten, twenty years. The current record is thirty-three years, which would take me into my sixties. But also, it could be much less than that. They might well give me another transplant in the future, if I need one – and if a heart is available.’ He looks at me. ‘There are no guarantees.’
But as I know, there are no guarantees for any of us. ‘Is that part of the reason you moved here?’
‘Yes.’ He pauses. ‘Having come so close to dying, I feel like I’ve been given a second chance. It’s why it’s been so important to make meaningful changes in my life. As I got better, I found myself craving peace and space. And in a way, I wanted to challenge myself.’
I’m quiet for a moment, trying to imagine how he feels. ‘That makes sense.’
He’s silent again. ‘I don’t know if you’ve read about it, but there’s a thing called cellular memory. The premise is that feelings and personality traits aren’t just in the mind – they can be stored in major organs.’ Pausing, he looks at me. ‘Such as the heart.’
But it fits with what I was thinking last time I came here. ‘There are things about you that remind me of Liam.’ I hesitate. ‘But there’s a lot about you that’s very different, too.’
