Page 89 of The Shape of Your Heart
Not wanting to be charged excessive roaming charges, I switch off my phone. As we head out into the English Channel, the rocking motion of the ferry amplifies. Picking up my bag, I head for my cabin.
I imagined a relaxing afternoon and evening lying on my bunk reading or listening to music, but in reality, it doesn’t quite work out that way. Two hours on, the ferry is pitching and rolling as it rumbles towards the Bay of Biscay, as I think about the warnings I didn’t heed. Telling myself that even an Atlantic storm can’t go on like this, I take some seasickness pills. But it’s too little too late, and staggering to the bathroom I’m violently sick.
Huddled on my bunk, I give myself a pep talk, about letting my fears get the better of me. But, if only just, this is still preferable to flying.
A particularly large swell makes the ferry judder. Suddenly I’m terrified. I know ferries do this journey every day of the year, but even those the size of this one must have their limits. Closing my eyes, I try to think about something else, before another wave of nausea has me staggering to the bathroom again.
And so it goes on, through a long, interminable night, until a couple of hours before reaching Santander, the pitching lessens. Relief fills me, followed by a feeling that’s almost euphoric. Managing at last to connect to Wi-Fi, I text Sasha.
I have just survived what was quite probably the most horrendous storm in the history of ferry crossings… but I’m nearly there! xxxxx
I make it up on deck as Santander comes into view. It’s a pretty town, flanked by green hills, the sea blissfully flat as I stand there taking it in. For so long this has only been a dream; the reality is breath-taking.
While we chug into the port, I make a quick call to my mother. ‘Mum? Just letting you know I’m here.’
‘I can’t believe you’ve gone alone.’ She sounds anxious.
‘I was always going alone – until Sasha said she wanted to join me,’ I remind her.
‘It’s just that it is a long time to be away on your own. You will be careful, won’t you?’ she says.
‘Mum, I’ve been planning this for ages. It’s the right time. I need this. Don’t worry about me. I’m going to be fine.’
I hear another voice in the background, then Sasha comes on the phone.
‘I can’t believe you’re there,’ she says wistfully. ‘I was really hoping you’d wait until I could come with you.’
I feel terrible for her. ‘I’m sorry, Sash. But it’s going to be months before you’re going to be up for this. We can do something else? When your ankle’s healed?’ I pause. ‘By the way, you were right about the ferry crossing. You were better off in England. It was horrendous.’
* * *
I step off the ferry on to Spanish soil, and feeling a thrill of excitement as I make my way towards the station. Technically speaking, the route I’m walking starts across the border in south-west France. But Sasha and I had decided to start a little further along in San Sebastián in northern Spain.
It’s dark by the time my train finally arrives there. A little later, I find the hostel that Sasha and I booked for the first night. I’m not expecting much – we planned this trip on a budget, but up a narrow street, it’s quiet and surprisingly comfortable.
Sitting on the bed, without Sasha here, I could let uneasiness take me over. I’ve never considered myself particularly adventurous. And after Liam died, for a whole year I barely went anywhere. But there’s something about the fact that I’m doing this alone that I’m kind of proud of.
After a shower, I go back out, wandering the streets as the nightlife gets going, stopping at a nearby bar to order tapas and a beer, texting Tanith while I wait.
I’m here!! Just ordered tapas. Ferry journey worst thing ever. Is everything OK at the cottage? xxx
It feels an age since she drove me to the station, but as I contemplate the walk ahead of me, my whole life feels a world away – more so when Tanith replies.
Shit day here, endless rain. Nathan came over to see you. How didn’t I know you’d gone on your own???
I picture the view across the Cornish landscape, shrouded in rain, smiling to myself.
Because I didn’t want anyone talking me out of going!!
I pause before adding.
Why did Nathan come over?
While I wait for her reply, my tapas arrive, garlicky prawns in a rich tomato sauce and a bowl of croquetas.
He’d found out Sasha wasn’t going. He’s been over twice, actually. He’s really nice Callie. If I were you… Pointless saying it again, you already know what I think. Gotta go and feed the boys. Catch you later xxx
I frown at my phone for a moment. How did Nathan find out? Unless he’s spoken to my mother… And how come he’s been to see Tanith twice? As I think of them together, a seed of suspicion forms, before I tell myself I’m being ridiculous. There’s no way Tanith would do that to me.
