Page 83 of Runes To Rain
I went to check on her and make sure she was alright. I was trying to get my equilibrium back. All those reasons I can’t have her were buried so deep at that moment. I tried to find them and talk some sense into myself, but then she looked at me again, and everything else just faded out. I still wanted to keep her away from me, but gods, I couldn’t stop staring at her. Couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss.
I realized belatedly that she was asking me about the other guys, and I don’t even remember what I said.Then she said we needed to talk, but she couldn’t bring me back to where she’s staying. I guess I get that. I’m sure I wouldn't be welcome in the demon stronghold. I offered that she could come back to the mansion with me, and I really thought she might decline, but she agreed.
That walk felt like it took a fucking year. My thoughts were spiraling so badly. I can’t even tell you how I got us back to the mansion on foot. Luck probably.
When we got there, I took her to my room. I kissed her again before I could stop myself. After the kiss, I realized she’d never been in this room as she walked around looking at my things. It was more of a mess than I would have liked. I’ve been distracted lately, well, with her, and not keeping up on cleaning.
I just stood there staring at her as I tried to talk some sense into myself. I finally managed to regain enough internal strength to decide to apologize to her, but to tell her the kiss was a mistake. To tell her that we couldn’t be together. I just couldn’t actually say the words. She just stood there watching me, and I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. I wouldn’t have been surprised if she told me I could go fuck myself.
I was beginning to spiral badly. Then she looked me dead in the eye and said she was sorry she’d been rude, sorry she’d made it personal. I don’t know what my face looked like. I was so surprised by her apology. I had never expected it. Sure, what she’d said had hurt, butshe wasn’t wrong, and I know I pushed her to that point. I didn’t deserve an apology.
She’s far too good for me.
That decided me, and I was just beginning to open my mouth to apologize, but also to tell her I couldn’t have her. Words I knew were going to hurt both of us. Then I don’t know what happened, or why, but suddenly she was in my arms, her legs wrapped around my waist, kissing me, and I was fucking kissing her back. I couldn’t help myself.
Thank goodness my instincts were more capable than my thoughts at that point because I caught her. I’ve never felt anything better than having her in my arms like that. Then she was biting my neck, and licking the edge of my jaw, and fuck, I was hard.
I wanted some space so I could think. I went to set her down so my damn cock didn’t make things awkward. She ended up standing on my bed. She was taller than me there, and she was looking down at me, her hand on my jaw, just staring at me.
She stood there for a moment looking like a fucking godsdamned siren. I was wavering, wondering if it would be so bad to let myself love this girl, and then she started to remove her clothing.
Fuck. I can’t do this right now.
DIO’S JOURNAL - ENTRY 17
Annum:5615
Entry 17 - quis tibi hoc fecit
I needed some time before I could write this. That day when Chaosta was in my room, she began to slowly strip out of her hood and then some other layer of clothing. She was standing there on my bed in just a thin shirt. It was stretched over her body. It showed everything, I could see the peaks of her nipples through the fabric. I was completely frozen.
I’m such a bastard, I knew I needed to tell her to stop, to leave, to find someone else, but I couldn’t. I was far too weak to do that with her standing there so close.
I never wanted to take advantage of her, I just couldn’t figure out my shit. I had just started to reach out to her to stop her, get her to sitdown on the bed, and talk before she did something she would regret. Then she pulled her shirt off, and I saw them.
Fuck I want to tear this page into tiny pieces. As though that will help.
Be. Factual. Dio. Come on.
Chaosta is covered in scars. They’re all about the same size, same length, same angle. Other than one, larger, puckered scar on her abdomen, just below her ribs, that looks like an old stab wound. I can’t emphasize enough how many of them there are. The scars cover every inch of her torso and her upper arms down to nearly her elbows. Based on what I could see, it looks like there may be more that were covered by her skirt.
I have no doubt they’re from torture. I may not have Fem’s experience with healing, but I haven’t had an easy life despite my parents’ early attempts to coddle me, and, while I’ve never experienced torture, I’m certain those scars didn’t come from anything else.
I couldn’t stop staring. I didn’t know what to do. Rage like I’ve never felt before filled me. I don’t know when she was tortured, but I’m fairly certain it was while she was imprisoned. The timeline makes sense. My instincts were trying to tell me she was more hurt than she let on when she got back from the angel stronghold.
If I had acted quicker in getting Alexander involved, I likely could have saved her at least some pain, and the fact that I could have saved her any amountand didn’t. FUCK.
Then, after she did get out, I was too childish and just avoided her because I didn’t want her mad at me. I didn’t ask her if she was ok. I didn’t push for her to let Fem help her. Instead, I know now that she suffered in silence. Here I’ve been trying to keep her safe from me, and she ended up being hurt by my stubborn refusal to get closer to her. If I’d been closer, I wouldn’t have let anything stop me from getting her out of there. I’d have wiped out the whole fucking lot of them in the process. I’ll never forgive myself.
Worse, as I stood there staring at her, she eventually froze. Then she yelled at me. She was clearly angry, and I don’t blame her. She said something about me thinking she was ugly and then pulled her shirt on and left my room, slamming the door in her wake. When I came back to myself, I put my fist through the wall again. I should’ve gone after her, but by the time I came out of whatever state I was in, she was too long gone, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to find her.
Not like it’s ever a good idea to put one's hand through the wall. You’d have thought I’d have figured this out after the last time. Worse, it took a while for the others to get back to the mansion after the carnage of that concert, so I had to messily tend to it myself until Fem could look at it. I broke bones this time, but I think the pain was the only thing that helped me keep it together after.
PART VI
LOVE IS A PHOENIX
Iam moving through the sword fighting forms in Lily’s apartment, a week after I last saw Dio. I’m midway through the first set when I miss a step and my legs tangle. Thankfully, I catch myself before I can fall face-first on my sword. Limbs shaking, I push my sword to the side and then drop and lie on my back on the floor. Looking at the ceiling, I feel tears begin to trail down my temples.
